Music Humor

I Am Your 2022 Spotify Wrapped, and I Can’t Do This Anymore

Enough about 2022, let’s talk about you

Welcome to your Wrapped.

This year you ventured into the genre-verse. You explored 94 different genres.

Look at you, you indiscriminate human. Your Top 5 Genres were:

1. Yacht Rock
2. Vegan Straight Edge
3. Horror Country
4. Italian Occult Psychedelia
5. Kids Party Music

From sunrise to sunset, you kept us guessing. Like, migraine-inducing guessing.

You started your morning with Unblack Metal, seized the day with Zen Tranquil Soothing, and then embraced the night with Japanoise. We had so many questions but were afraid to ask most of them. “What is wrong with you?”, “What was your relationship like with your mother?” and “Are you allergic to any medications?”

All that listening added up to 43,666 anxious, nail-biting minutes where we didn’t know what you’d ask for next. We were placed on antipsychotic medications and assigned an experiential therapist to combat the trauma of your musical eccentricity.

With one song, it was love at first listen. Your top song was Surfin’ Bird by The Trashmen. We’re almost certain you played it as a soundtrack to waterboarding yourself.

You played 2,374 songs but these ones played again. And again. And again.

1. Surfin’ Bird by The Trashmen
2. Let It Go by Idina Menzel from Frozen
3. Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
4. Peaches by The Presidents Of The United States Of America
5. Mine Heart Doth Beseech Thee (O Master) by Horde

Your wild mood swings from calm to mayhem were panic-inducing.

We hadn’t previously considered asking listeners to use turn signals before changing lanes, but here we are. How can you expect us to negotiate a path from Achy Breaky Heart to Gin and Juice to Master of Puppets?

You requested Gregory Alan Isakov right before Hoobastank. And who in their right mind would want to hear Slayer right after Merle Haggard’s If We Make It Through December? Our music servers overheated, shutting down the entire music service for an hour and really pissing off a few hundred million people.

Just to get a rise out of you, we played Don’t Stop Believing by Journey despite you hating the song. Then we played Call Me Maybe by Saint Pepsi. You must have been passed out in a gutter somewhere for that one because we know it sucks. You didn’t even flinch.

And how can you possibly create a station called Yacht Rock and keep skipping REO Speedwagon and Kenny Loggins? What kind of psychopath are you? You skipped This Is It by Kenny and let us play Domination by Pantera. Were you just fucking with us?

Obviously, your year can’t be contained in a playlist. But we tried anyway. We hope you don’t subject anyone else to your auditory fever dream. We’ve enclosed a number for crisis prevention just in case your playlist is ever made public.

You listened to 1325 artists this year, but one ruled your world.

Your top artist this year was Savage Garden. You spent 598 minutes together, which is exceptionally disturbing. This alone should have been enough for us to notify the authorities, but we must admit we wanted to see what would happen next.

You couldn’t stop listening to Truly, Madly, Deeply, which was enough to make us want to build a time machine, steal some plutonium from some Libyan terrorists, travel back to 1997, and kick you squarely in the pancreas. It didn’t change anything, but it made us feel better.

You liked these artists so much, we put them on the cover of a magazine. Sort of.

1. Butthole Surfers
2. Gregory Alan Isakov
3. Savage Garden
4. Kathleen Turner Overdrive
5. T-Pain

This year, you had layers like an onion. A rotting Mammoth Red onion.

Time to meet your listening personality.

Excrement Spectacle.

You’re a seeker of chaos. A walking, bulbous mound of madness. You venture out into the musical wilderness and forage for sustenance and poison alike. You come home with musical mushrooms that nourish your mind and body and also ones that will feed the evil growing inside you.

Thanks for spending 2022 with us. May God have mercy on your soul.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who got a “Wrapped” like this. Here’s looking at you, Kristen Stark.

Here‘s one by someone hilarious and new to me, Rosalie Berg:

And a brilliant writer I already know, Stephanie Wilson: