Dropping Knowledge

Come for the Play Date

Stay for the sex education

About a year ago, my two boys and I were visiting a good friend who has three girls. Her older girls were the same ages as my boys, five and seven.

The kids were playing upstairs and we were doing the mom thing downstairs, when all of a sudden the noise level plummeted, which as a boy mom is almost always cause for panic.

My friend and I casually strolled into the room where they were playing and saw them all reading a book. “Aw, how cute,” I cooed. My friend looked at me. “Do you see the book they’re reading?”

Squinted my eyes… “It’s Not the Stork,” I read. “Oh! Okay! So it’s like a sex book?” I asked trying to sound totally prepared for this moment. My friend laughed and put her hand on my shoulder and explained that yes, it is a sex book geared towards young kids and has very simple, cute little animated pictures and is very age appropriate.

“Cool, cool. Yeah, no that’s great!” She and I both laughed. My seven year old was holding it up, mouth agape, as if it were a Penthouse. My five year old just pointed and giggled. Her girls, on the other hand, were not really phased as they had read the book and were there to participate in the playdate that got slightly sidetracked by the discovery of ‘the book.’

“You guys want to borrow it?” my friend offered. “Yes please!!” belted my seven year old. So we left, book in hand.

The 30-minute ride home felt a tad longer as they peppered me with no less than 600 questions about penises, vaginas, eggs, sperm, did it hurt when we came out of your vagina? Did you feed us with your nipples? Did dad put his penis inside your vagina? On and on and on.

Well, there goes that Band-Aid I thought, feeling semi-relieved. I ordered our very own copy of the book which made them very happy. I was now fully prepared. We could read it together and I could continue to answer all of their questions. Sex education complete! And it wasn’t that awful, to be honest. I’d rather them hear the real facts from me and an age-appropriate resource versus strange murmurings on the playground.

What I was not at all prepared for, however, was the showcasing of the book like a coveted trophy, to all of their friends who came for playdates. Hey kids, come on in. Knock yourself out with the Nintendo Switch, Legos galore and a crash course in all things sex. Doh.

I would stand at the bottom of the stairs listening to my boys explain the ‘ins and outs’ of sexual intercourse. I didn’t know what to do. On occasion, I would stop it and say “okay guys, this is a book they may want to read with their parents.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

My kids would proceed to pitch hissy fits when I told them it was time to put the book away. “Mom you told us there was nothing wrong with the book or with sex!” Oh geeeeezussssss. My very words coming back to bite me.

“Yes, that is true, and there isn’t… but parents usually like to have these important conversations with their own kids.”

“Why?”

And around and around we’d go. Until I gave up. Not in the moment — but generally speaking. When their friends come around now, and they whip out their treasured book, I ignore it. I go about my day. I’ll hear their giggles and the other kids’ astonishment at some of their new-found knowledge and I ignore it all.

This may make me a deplorable parent, and it certainly may prevent you from ever sending your kids to my house. That is all fair. “You learned about what at the Berg’s?!? Oh heaven’s me! You will never ever go back there again!” Okay!

I also hate being the helicopter parent, hovering about listening for the “naughty” things my kids may say. Nothing in that book is at all “naughty.” It’s as innocent as a sex book can get, in my opinion. You won’t hear genitalia referred to as “wee wees and muffies” in my house.

We’re all vulva, all the time. I think I just named my future band.

If you come to the Berg’s, my kids may drop some serious knowledge on your angels, ready or not. At least it’s all scientifically accurate knowledge, and I may have just saved you from having the conversation you were most dreading.

You are very welcome. Come back anytime. There’s a sequel to ‘the book’ that we’ll have in time for the next play date: ‘It’s Not the Stork Dummy, It’s Daddy’s Schlong!’