SATIRE
I Am the Queen of England: Watch Your Backs For I Am Watching You
A message from a platinum monarch, and an insight into the street decorations over here in Blighty
Whassup my favourite royal subjects!
Queenie here and I am on a royal roll! Literally.
This country’s going royally mad and, meanwhile, I am seriously OMNIPRESENT! Like in every window…nearly!
Check me out here…
I told you I was on a roll…weeeeeeee……
Oh sorry, I need to be more serious 😐 Is this better?
And here I am with little Fido…
This house has wrapped itself up like a gift in my honour.
And this shop window has a bangin’ display with me bang in the middle!
Wait, hang on…what have they done there? You can’t see my face!
Oh, here’s a much better angle. Phew!
You see, it’s not every day that a Queen celebrates her Platinum Jubilee.
Platinum.
Did you clock that? More valuable than silver, gold or diamonds.
P-L-A-T-I-N-U-M
Got it?
And that is why I am everywhere…and you’d better watch your backs! HAHAHAHA! Queenie’s watching….
What’s that, Bernard? Sorrryyyyy 😬
Bernard my Butler says I shouldn’t scare you all. So I apologise.
But a 96-year-old monarch has to have some fun, hey? It’s a serious enough job being Queen of this mad place, so give an old girl a break!
And yeah, back to this Jubilee — it’s platinum, don’t you know — everyone over here in Blighty is going party-mad and dressing the streets up for the occasion.
They’re planning all sorts of fun events around the country. Everyone is going to be having themselves some good old English afternoon teas, and cream teas are the best!
These teddies agree.
But will they put the cream on first or the jam? The squabbles between the people of Devon (cream first) and Cornwall (jam first) have dominated British politics for too long and now they are threatening my Jubilee celebrations!
You may think I’m joking but the people of Devon display this on their cars:
The struggle is real, guys!
Which way would I have mine, you ask?
Well, I ain’t got a clue, I’m German after all.
The real question is: can the British put all their differences aside, just for once, while the country celebrates and I go boogying down the river to Sir Elton John and his cronies.
No offence Sir Elton, but I didn’t realise I knighted you only for you to still be singing at my Platinum Jubilee celebrations.
Yes, I know I am old, but I am allowed to be. I am the old duck with the crown and the very good wave.
No less impressive than the wave this excellent writer wrote about earlier this week.
Anyway, back to the British people and their differences. First of all there’s Brexit.
Did you know there are some people still raving about how we now have our sovereignty back? I mean…chortle…I….chortle chortle…
Oh my! I just peed my pants laughing! BERNARD! Get us some fresh panties will you?
Come on, guys. Cut an old lady some slack. I am old…and that was funny!
Yeah…sovereignty…chortle…I am the Sovereign and I can measure how much rule I have over this country in a thimble…chortle…
OOOPS! Bernard!
As for BoJo, he hasn’t exactly nailed his control over this country’s future either, so perhaps we’ll leave that old sovereignty number alone, shall we?
Let’s just put our silly old differences aside, have ourselves a nice G&T (I’m currently on my 5th), or a pint of English Ale.
And stuff your faces with as many cream teas as you can manage. I am Queen and I give you permission.
Oh, and I don’t care whether you put the cream on first, the jam on first, or swirl them together to make a royal pink mess, a little like me after this next G&T.
Hahahahahahahaha…hic…
So guys, just chill. And let’s PARTEEEEE 🎉🥳🎊
Did I mention it’s my platinum jubilee?
Author’s note: yes, the UK has suddenly gone mad. Help! Get me out of here!
**Window displays care of the good people of Buckfastleigh, Devon. Thanks, guys, for giving me a good laugh!
