The Pro Files : Between Two Cacti : Richard Steeles the Show
I Am the A to Your Q, Ann James
My left ventricle beats for you
Welcome loyal subjects del hemisferio norte and those of Queen Raine Lore from the non-existent island of Australia.¹ Today I’m talking with Rick Steele of Squarefield, California —.
— Fairfield.
Fairfield? Tell us more about life in Flairpealed.
The city is a cultural backwater. The main economic engines of which are a USAF base, a Budweiser brewery, and Jelly Belly candies, so conservatives love it. Most voters are Democrats; the right-wing chucklefarts are loud and odious. It has some very good eateries and a Tomato Festival. No tomatoes were ever grown here. Like Earth, it’s mostly harmless. Boring as fuck, but mostly harmless.
But a major motion picture studio is nearby?
If one is, I sure don’t know about it.
From 2013 to 2016 I was a semiprofessional actor. My favorite role was a 4-in-1 role in Charles Morey’s take on “The Three Musketeers;” I played the author Alexandre Dumas fils, the Captain of the Musketeers Corps, a drunken jeweler, and The Stranger, who decapitates Milady de Winter. The last three were Dumas inserting himself into the story.
If you were a horse, what breed would you be?
I would be a Leopard Appaloosa: unique, strong, reliable, gentle unless provoked. My mother owned one from 1976 to 1981, a 17-hands-high mare named “Misty;” I, of course, took care of her.
How old were you when you first stole a girl’s (heart) (panties) (book)?
(Virginity)? I was a 16-year-old sophomore; she was an 18-year-old senior.
Did you ever stick pencils up your nostrils to make a girl lol?
No, I was far too proto-nerdy for girls to take any interest.
I have, however, made females laugh by appearing onstage in my underwear. And in drag.
Spill the coffee. Snort the beans. Make us laugh.
Sexy = llive, llove, llaugh, llama.
Spill the coffee, snort the beans, Few know what that really means; Turn down the walls, light up the tent, Bananas ’n’ beer require a vent For the aftermath.
A squid eating dough out of a polyethylene is fast and bulbous. Got me?
Woe is a me-bop. Vom drop-a-re-bop om. Everybody’s doing it. Please don’t let them ruin it. Vom drop-a-re-bop om.
Please tell us more about your band.
One of the most influential of all time. Helped along by Frank Zappa. Basically musical Dadaism. Beefheart (aka Don Van Vliet) and Zappa and The Tubes were major influences on the legendary garage band Blair’s Diving Mules, of which I was a member.
Who is your favorite comedian? Extra points if you pick a comedienne.
It’s a tie between Sarah Silverman and Esther Povitzky. And Desi Lydic.
Did you know that Desi asked MacKenzie Scott to marry her?
I did. You asked her, too.² Did you know she’s single again? Second time’s the charm, Queen Ann.
I was not aware — [checking time on fake Rolex] — this concludes our interview with Rick. [exit, stage right]
Weren’t you going to knight me?
This is the second in a series of Queen Ann (no ‘e’) interviews with her loyal subjects del hemisferio norte. Here is the first one: