Sniff! Sniff!

I Am a Professional Vagina Sniffer

And I’m here to leave a pungent whiff in the vagina-sniffing world

If you were to hire a vagina sniffer (more on that later), wouldn’t you ask them to sign a non-disclosure?

I have worked with some of the biggest names but cannot tell you who because of the NDAs I signed. But I can tell you about the one BIG contract I missed in my career. It wasn’t anything dramatic, just bad luck.

You must have heard of Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s a movie star, and Coldplay’s lead singer was married to her for some time.

Did you know she’s selling a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina Candle?” (I’m not making this up, check the link if you don’t believe me.)

You can also get it as a roll-on if you want to “DAB A LITTLE BIT on your neck,” for example.

This kind of exclusive product isn’t created out of thin air. Someone has to go down there and do the sniffing job. That’s my job. That’s what I do.

But before you ask, no, I didn’t get to sniff G’s vagina.

It could have been a career accomplishment, forever remembered in the vagina-sniffing world, but it wasn’t meant to be. It hurts to write about it.

I try to look on the positive side of the vaginas and tell myself I would have lost all motivation if I had sniffed hers. Thanks to this missed opportunity, I remain committed to developing my craft and motivated to reach for higher achievements in the vagina-sniffing landscape.

If you must know — and I guess you do — I was scheduled for a pre-interview with one of Gwyneth’s representatives. But I missed it. My wife was away for business that day, and I had to bring all my children to school. My wife would have usually taken over, but her business trip had been scheduled weeks before, and my invitation was last minute. Anyway. I went to school with my kids, and everything went smoothly, but something happened on the way back home.

It could have happened any other day without consequences, but this time, nope.

On the way home, I stopped at the bakery for my usual cereal bun and chatted with the owner Paula.

She didn’t feel well that day.

“I’m sorry to ask you that, you must be busy, but could you sniff my vagina? Just a quick check. I’m sure it’s nothing serious, but I would feel so much better if I had your professional opinion.”

I don’t usually do that, but Paula is a friend, and I had to help her. I gave her a quickie (a quick sniff in vagina-sniffer slang) and assured her everything was all right.

But her husband arrived and misunderstood the situation.

He was in a bad mood, and he overreacted. He’s a tall, muscular guy, but he’s very kind and would never hit anyone. Instead, he smashed a cream pie on my face.

Some got in the nose, and my nose got irritated.

I’m — unfortunately — slightly allergic to the cream used for cream pie. I couldn’t attend my interview in this state, and they refused to reschedule as they quickly found somebody else.

That’s life.

But it hurt.

It happened a few years ago, and I only felt ready to move on last week.

Today, I feel confident enough to publish this article and share my mission statement.

I want to bring the art of vagina sniffing to the front of the artistic scene.

I want to start with a big whiff. In one month, I will attempt to crush the current online vagina-sniffing world record.

It was set during the pandemic at quite a high number of 420 vaginas sniffed concomitantly on a zoom call.

I’m sure I can do better.

If you want to participate in the zoom call as a vagina holder or a spectator, please sign up here.

If you want to support financially my efforts to raise awareness about vagina sniffing, please do so here.

Thank you for your attention. May your vaginas be sniffed!

More vaginas? Here you go: