HOW You Say Things Matters.

Too many people don’t want to take accountability for HOW they act and speak and the consequences.

Through various conflicts and uncomfortable situations, I’ve learned that how you say things is equally important as what you say.

For communication to be effective, we need to improve what we say and how we say it.

The reality is we often misunderstand others, and we are misunderstood because we don’t take the time nor make an effort to say what we think and feel with grace.

Nor do we take the time or try to hear what another person is trying to communicate.

I’m learning to communicate effectively. At the crux of it is asking more questions than talking.

To understand another person, we must show curiosity and ask various questions to understand what they mean, especially if discussing a difficult topic.

For a message to be received, we must approach the situation with how we feel.

Starting the conversation with “you did this” or “you are this” does not help. Why?

Because people jump to defend themselves when they feel accused or attacked.

I’ve learned in counseling that starting what you want to say with “I feel…” can help set up the dialogue because you’re not placing blame.

You’re expressing yourself, which the other person may be more open to hearing.

Another helpful habit is letting the other person finish talking before you respond.

Responding right away in a defensive manner indicates to the other person that you may not care at all what they have to say.

It could also signal to them that you don’t care for taking accountability even if you think you didn’t do anything wrong.

Something I’ve learned mature adults do is apologize for behavior or speech that was hurtful, even if they had no idea this could make another person upset.

It’s about perspective and having the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes.

If you keep disregarding people trying to tell you how your behavior or how you speak to them is hurtful, you will end up very much alone.

I’ve also learned the only way to make a relationship, any relationship, stronger is through repair, but not many people can do this because of their ego and pride.

Repair is what I described earlier — being able to apologize and ask for forgiveness even when you don’t think your behavior or speech was hurtful or you don’t understand how a person’s feelings got hurt.

Repair is about recognizing the hurt caused, apologizing because that was not the intention, and committing not to act or speak that way again.

Another aspect of speech that people don’t want to take accountability for is their tone when arguing or having a heated discussion.

I’ve been guilty of this. I’ve raised my voice, said cuss words when unnecessary, and made passive-aggressive comments that don’t help.

It’s funny how now I’m able to identify these things in others, and instead of choosing to dish out the same, I ask a person directly what it is they mean or if there’s something else they would like to say.

It’s funny how often people stop talking or change the subject when you directly address their passive aggressiveness.

I’ve learned it’s because people like this don’t know how to express themselves adequately. They feel frustrated or annoyed, but they cannot figure out why.

And instead of doing self-reflections to understand where their feelings come from, they take it out on the people closest to them.

I’ve had this happen with my landlord a few times — I honestly feel bad for her. She’s an older woman who lives alone, and I’m starting to understand why.

I digress.

Taking responsibility for HOW you speak can do you a lot of good.

When you take responsibility for how you say things, you’re also taking responsibility for your impact and what you contribute to the environment you’re in.

You can make difficult situations easier if you address them calmly and non-aggressively.

Now let’s not misunderstand. I’m not talking about being agreeable and not standing up for yourself.

I’m saying there’s a more graceful way to set clear boundaries without disrespecting the other person.

You’ll receive respect because you respected others in the process.

Ask yourself, do I raise my voice when discussing a difficult subject? Do I make passive-aggressive comments? Do I tell people that they should be able to accept what I’m saying no matter how I say it?

If you want to take this a step further, ask the people around you.

I hope these lessons I’ve learned help you too.