How We Get Railroaded in Conversations.
Communication is paramount in our daily life. One of the things I’m passionate about is conscious communication. Because of this, I listen to Ted talks, read books, and articles on communication. I’ve worked on communication for 20 years. I’ve talked to hundreds of people. One issue I have with current trends around communication is the pop phrase “It isn’t about you, so listen”. Memes all over social media. Experts being quoted.
Of course, I have my own responses to this common system of thought. It has its truth, but like everything else, it also isn’t black and white. My perspective is we are leaving out important information.
It Is About You, If You Want a Reciprocal Conversation
It is about you if you do not want to listen. If you didn’t sign up to only listen and not share, or forgo having a reciprocating talk.
It is about you if the person just decided it was about them with no communication prior. They just start blurting out their story, their problems. The expectation is that you will just listen. The covert innuendo is I don’t want to hear your experience, this about me.
It is about you until you decide you wish to listen and be a part of this person’s one-sided storytelling. Nothing wrong with it being one-sided. It needs to be agreed upon.
If you decide to listen, then do it honestly. Do it actively and authentically.
I’ve been a part of many people’s idea that because they can sense that I’m a compassionate person with good listening skills it is automatic for them to share their story. It is also automatic that it is “about them” and I’m supposed to just listen. In my personal life, I sometimes do, but now I do it consciously. Only consciously, otherwise, I say something or move on.
I’ve learned that their assumption isn’t a silent contract for me to listen to their story without a reciprocal conversation. It isn’t about them just because they decided it is. Because they started first. This is being railroaded.
We are a “feeling heard” deprived society. There is a hierarchy that happens in human relations. Those that are used to people just listening to them (whether they really are is another article) are the ones that have the habit of just blurting out what they want to talk about and the people usually just endure it for the sake of avoiding conflict or avoiding speaking up and to “be kind”. Avoid being seen as rude.
Then those that tolerate the stronger personalities will find someone else to listen to them, because the person is more passive than they are, the cycle continues. Then you have those that just pretty much always endure and listen to everyone that wants to vent or share because they can’t speak up. That often builds up internal anger and resentment which seeps out covertly.
I have to rebut the common belief to “listen, it isn’t about you”. It’s not black or white. It’s avoiding the actual issue which is conscious communication.
Who Decides Who Gets The Limelight?
Who gets to decide when two people start talking — who’s story gets the limelight? If you pay attention, it’s usually the one with the strongest personality. The one that is used to having the front stage.
Is that really authentic? Think about how you just allow those to talk about themselves without really agreeing to it.
What would happen if you also start talking about yourself? Usually, it is seen as narcissistic, selfish. Is it really?
I say it isn’t. If someone wants to vent or otherwise share their story, it’s good to ask if someone has time to listen. Unless it is a specific event or group to which that is a given. I’m speaking of a casual setting.
For instance, I met up with a neighbor years ago to ask how the new baby was doing and to say I hope all was well with the childbirth and the baby is healthy. I really meant it. I didn’t plan on a long conversation. Before I knew it, the story came.
What happened next was a long story about the trauma involved in the birth. I listened intently and empathized. I said: “That’s very traumatic, I hope she is ok”. Then I shared that I could empathize because “I had a similar experience with my youngest”. “I almost died as well”. “I know how scary that must have been”.
Here is the issue, their reaction to my sharing I had a similar experience was concerning to me because I could tell by his facial expression it was not welcome. What was that about? I was very curious. Later on, I thought about it. I wanted to ponder how that was selfish. I was open to finding out.
Turns out in my speaking to many people on this topic, some people find it offensive and others find it endearing.
Working on my boundaries and not fawning over the past several years, I’ve realized that in society we assume the person who starts talking about themselves is the one that has the stage. They do until we speak up or walk off. That doesn’t mean it is selfish to share some about yourself and make for a reciprocal conversation. There are no rules that the strongest personality shares and the more shy one doesn’t because it isn’t socially unacceptable to share if someone shares first. Think about who actually assumed it was about them? See the projection?
I No Longer See Myself As Selfish When I Share a Similar Story
Railroading conversations is an addiction, a socially acceptable norm. It’s difficult to break this habit. I sometimes still allow it to happen. However, I’m much better at saying that I can’t listen right now, or that sounds like a long story to share. I need to go.
I no longer see myself as “selfish” because someone decided that they had the entitlement to make it about them and nothing about me.
I just don’t fall for the mentality that I need to listen to and not share anything about me or my experiences in a conversation. Because this is how I build connections.
It’s not a game to see who’s the first one to start sharing. To be the silent one and make it about the other person. If not, you’re selfish. That doesn’t mean we are rude, but we get to say what we use our time and energy for. We don’t have to just fawn and get railroaded in the name of not being seen as self-centered.
Society will have you hold that over your head and direct all your actions to avoid being labeled. Don’t buy into it. Just notice next time it happens and see if you can see the dynamics play out.
* Who took the lead?
* How did they respond if you shared an experience?
* What was the outcome of the interaction?
* Notice how you felt in your body when it was happening.
*Begin to speak up when you notice it happening.
Just because society deems something so — doesn’t make it so. Question it. Be open to see if you agree with it or are just following along with the norm. Some of us actually like hearing that someone understands because they have had a similar experience. Some of us feel connected with a shared experience.