Telling It Like It Is
How to Write a Novel RIGHT NOW!
If “they” can do it, so can you, dammit!
Let’s talk about “agency…”
Like many of you, I am struggling to write a novel. Being the enterprising human that I am, I seek out the wisdom of other humans to guide me so that I might avoid the common pitfalls that come with writing a novel. Or, my “great opus,” as I like to think of it.
On its face, Medium is a bustling compendium of guides and tips for the aspiring writer. Indeed, the query “how to write nove” — despite the adequate application of pressure to the ‘l’ key — didn’t materialize on the search bar, yet still returned a torrent of sage and timely advice.
The thing is, despite the promise of the titles (clickbait such as the modest “How to Write Your Novel in Three Months ”, to the more demanding “How to Write Your Novel in a Single Month”, to the hyperbolic “How to Write Your Novel in Three Weeks”*, to the coup de grâce of such slanderous filth as “How to write a novel in 7 days” (sic)…
to read one is to read them all. To be fair, the timetable significantly decreases, but you can be sure they all mention –
- Choose a Topic. (does this need to be explicitly mentioned?)
- Choose a Subject and Genre You’re Familiar With/Passionate About. And the answer to your question is yes, this is the same thing as bullet #1 (it’s OK to use the numeral if it’s preceded by #). Turds who write in this category are experts at rewording content to round out the filth they publish.
- Go to Your Favourite Writing Spot. This could be a café, a rocking chair on your front porch, behind a dumpster — your favourite dumpster, a shoeshine stand at an airport — your favourite airport, I think you get the idea — your favourite idea, etc.
- Choose a (Favourite) Time of Day. A day is 24 hours long, we distinguish those increments with numbers (for instance, “3” or “11”).
Those increments or “hours” as they’re called are further differentiated by a designation of ante meridiem (abbreviated “am”**) — “before midday”, or midnight (12 in the nighttime) to 11 in the morning, and post meridiem (abbreviated “pm”**) — “after midday” for the part of the day between noon (12 in the daytime) and 11 at night.
There’s also a 24-hour clock, but an explanation would be redundant.
The point is that these turds advise you to pick the best time. Invariably, they will list scenarios for each time of day. Something like,
“I like to write first thing in the morning, when the flaming ball in the sky is high enough to radiate the smog blanketing my city, but not so high that I’m reminded of the fiery hell that awaits us all when it explodes.”
Then, in a profound display of insight, the reader is reminded of his/her autonomy and free will with a trope like,
“But you might do your best writing in the early afternoon after your eighth mocha latte and third heart murmur.”
Every item on the list usually ends with something like,
“Do what works best for you”
*gag*.
- Make a Schedule. Didn’t we already cover this with Choose a Time? Silly reader, is the author to assume that you know that you should write at your best most favourite time without scheduling it? The important thing to remember is that,
“Everyone’s schedule will be different. You do what works best for you”
- Stick to the Schedule. *gag* Yes, reader. There are guides out there that have separate bullets and explanations for setting a time, making a schedule, and sticking to that schedule. But only do it the way that it works best for you.
Listen, I could continue in this manner for a while. Doing so would delay the bold proclamation, nay exclamation (“proxclamation”? …hmmm, catchy; but the distinction is too subtle. I’ll try it all the same).
The best way to write a novel, proxclaims, is to,
WRITE IT!
Stop reading this and start right now! Nothing worthwhile is easy. There is no magic bullet, only the grit of purposeful agency.
I have written on that very subject (grit) and encourage you to learn from my labours. Read AFTER you do some writing -
*These three stories were written by the same turd and published in the same publication within six months of each other; In the case of the first two, less than three weeks transpired between publication.
^ The author of this filth must be able to write novels so quickly thanks to his disregard for commonly recognized formatting conventions. Notably, capitalizing all words in a title and the convention of spelling out numbers lower than ten — i.e. “seven days”, rather than “7 days”.
