WE UNDID KRYSTAL’S DEADNESS — NOW FOR JERRY!

How to Undo a Cliff-hanger

And animate the whole bleedin’ world!

Recently, I wrote this

Because Kristen Stark wrote this

In a nutshell, I had to undo a story that had ended in Kristen killing Krystal by having a dude called Jerry break her neck.

I unbroke Krystal’s neck but reasoned by reasoning, using the power of my reasonable knowledge about cliff-hangers, that Jerry would simply keep knocking Krystal off unless I ended him with my nifty “weight-reducing” laser gun.

Now, I know some folks in readers’ land thought things were a bit complicated but those readers eventually worked out that Jerry was dead in the dirt and Krystal had changed her mind and wanted to date Jerry.

In other words, I blew it!

Other people, (two), thought my story of that real-life event was pure geniesarse and wanted a sequel.

Who am I to disappoint those two wonderful creatives?

Here’s what happened next —

I was down a cliff-writing rabbit hole and knew I was completely screwed. Somehow, I had to write Jerry out of deadness and bring Krystal and him together, happily ever after, no more writing new stuff to fix things!

Sitting at my kitchen table and gazing out into my garden, I prayed for a sudden moment of clarity — something I hadn’t experienced for decades!

That’s when the universe answered my calls for help — a 6.6 on the Richter Scale earthquake suddenly shook my house making an old book slide off my bookshelf to land right at my feet.

Bending down to retrieve the volume from amidst all the other shit that had also fallen; my chandelier from the two-dollar shop, my entire bookshelf, the complete contents of my kitchen cabinets, my wall art, and my entire wall.

Surveying the mess, I concluded it would have to wait until I had sorted out the Jerry/Krystal debacle. In short, I needed another intervention to clean up the mess caused by the first universal intervention.

Anyhoo, I was two chapters into my dog-eared copy of Frankenstein by Mary Shelley when I had a brainwave — I would animate Jerry with electricity. No problem!

And that’s when I got problems!

In retrospect, I think it must have been my concentration on reanimating Jerry that did it.

Glancing out my kitchen window to ruminate on my readings, I beheld a manifestation of unbelievableness.

There, taking form in my leafy backyard was a scene straight from Grimms’ Fairy Tales!

A shapely witch had metamorphosed, accompanied by a peculiar vision in lycra.

As quickly as my aged legs could scramble over the rubble that was now my kitchen, I staggered to the open doorway and shielded my eyes against the glare.

“Hi Raine,” called the witch, sickly sweet. “I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

What the … how did Dani Montage know where I live?

“Hi Raine,” called the other newcomer. “Dani said I could come, too.”

“Who the hell are you?” I enquired using my best social tone.

“It’s Susan Christiana,” interjected Dani.

“Can’t she speak for herself,” I grumbled.

“To be truthful, it is getting difficult,” murmured Susan, grabbing at her crotch, trying to stretch the lycra fabric away from her nether regions.

“My spandex is getting too tight! I can hardly bloody breathe! I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t volunteered for this!”

“I’m beginning to wish you hadn’t, too,” I replied, shuddering at her crotch-pulling antics. “You wrote in my response column, that you were up for a roasting, so here you are, written in, spandex and all. Suffer it out! But for Pete’s sake, leave your sweaty flippy bits alone!”

Susan switched her attention to her backside — pulling, grunting and hopping from one leg to another.

I glanced at Dani. She shrugged, completely dismissing Susan’s discomfort and my discomfort at Susan’s discomfort.

“I’ve come to help you, Raine, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” called the witch.

“It’s a bit early for Halloween — it’s only March,” replied I, knowing full well Dani thought Halloween should be every day of the bleedin’ year.

She shrugged again.

“You want to animate Jerry back to life. I’m here to tell you, I can do it with my super spell ability.”

“I’ve already figured it out. I don’t want your help. Jerry’s in my back shed, stinking up the joint. I’m electrifying the shed tonight. It works in every good horror story — it’ll work in mine!”

“It can’t help to add a bit of spell-binding stuff as well,” Dani argued. “In the meantime, I’m gonna animate your life by fixing up your house.” She muttered something I couldn’t hear.

“What was that?” I called.

“Everything looks better in Anime,” she called. “Even you!”

Without waiting for me to give my permission, Dani waved her magic stick and began to recite using a sing-songy voice.

“By the power vested in me today …”

“What the hell!” I screeched. “Who’s getting married? I hate weddings!”

“Quiet, Raine,” yelled Susan, letting lycra slap back into place around her arse. “Ouch, shit — it’s a spell. Let Dani finish!”

“Serves you right,” I sneered.

“Shut up!” bleated the intruders.

Dani began again.

“By the power vested in me today, I’m fixing Raine’s world with Anime!”

Poof! Everything poofed!

My whole backyard became a maelstrom of biblical proportions. Dust rose from the ground in multiple willy-willies making visibility impossible. The ground moaned. The air was rent with hideous creaks of timber and metal.

I froze in my cottage doorway, praying for everything to go away, including Dani and Susan.

The commotion continued for several minutes until, just as suddenly as it had begun, peace descended on my garden.

I turned to survey my cottage and was stunned! It had been remodeled to a glory not previously modeled. There was something vaguely reminiscent of Japanese culture but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I turned back to offer a weak smile of gratitude to Dani and her magic powers.

“You see,” she smiled triumphantly. “Everything is better in Anime! Even your header image, Raine. Check out how awesomely awesome it is now!”

I checked it out and had to admit, it did look better with lots of lightning bolts and me not looking like a stunned mullet.

I kept a deadpan expression. I don’t like people touching my work and making improvements, even if they are better than my original creation.

“You look much better in the new image,” offered Susan, still surreptitiously fiddling with her unmentionables.

“Your whole world looks better,” called Dani as she marched up my path, “and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Over bickies and tea, we sat cross-legged at my new kitchen table which was strangely close to the floor.

The business of the day was how to join forces to animate Jerry who was languishing in a moldy heap in my garden shed.

Dani insisted she could do it single-handedly with the power vested in her, and I insisted I wanted to electrify the crap out of the shed and its contents.

We decided to meet at midnight by the garden shed where I would apply every volt of power I could drain from the grid. Dani would add mystical power in the form of lightning bolts to enhance my amperage.

“What if we have to lift Jerry after he gets animated,” asked Susan, reaching under my tablecloth to ease some new area of discomfort. “Might we need some manpower or something?”

Not a bad idea, I thought.

“I have a couple of knights that could help us out. There’s Sir Patrick of the Moat and Sir Robert of the Guillotine! They’d be good for a shout-out.”

“No, no,” responded Dani, loudly. “They’re from a different art style. It just wouldn’t do! I object and there’s nothing you can do about it!

“There is. I can anime them myself!” I gloated, satisfied with my handiwork.

Just before midnight, I met Dani and Susan at my garden shed but not before I bullied Dani into magicking Susan into some new clothes. She looked somewhat frumpy in black hoodie and sweatpants and I suspected Dani had made a deliberate attempt to sabotage the competition just in case the knights turned up.

Or, maybe, she was so sure her spell was going to improve Jerry’s looks, Dani would want first dibs.

Not on my watch. The monster was all for Krystal!

Together we set to, running electric cables to the shed, in readiness for the grand animating.

Right on the dot of midnight, Dani began one of her mysterious incantations.

“By the power vested in me …”

“Oh, not that shit again!” I muttered.

“Shut up, Raine!”

“By the power vested in me, I call lightning-bolted energy Bring life to rotting Jeremy Make him sweet, make him kind Make him handsome, make him mine!”

I flicked the power switch just as a storm rolled in sending lightning licks into my back garden. Rain pelted down in large tropical blobs as the yard was made visible for miles around and the meaning of Dani’s words sank in.

I was right; she had foiled me with her magic and was going after Jerry for herself!

Furious, I waited, breath held as darkness reclaimed my garden.

Suddenly, the rain ceased and the metal door of the shed burst open, swinging back hard to hit on the shed wall.

Crash!

Seconds passed before big Jerry staggered through the opening. Rubbing his hand over his face in confusion; Jerry’s eyes darted around the garden and then rested on my face.

“Raine!” he muttered. “Thanks to your marvelous weight-reducing laser, I feel quite slim! Do you think Krystal will like me now?”

“Are you kidding? I muttered, “You are positively handsome. Looks like Dani’s spell worked!”

At the mention of the word handsome, both Dani and Susan advanced, it was time to claim their prize.

Without flinching, Jerry flung them aside saying he didn’t want sheilas that can light up a room.

“Where’s Krystal?” he begged, moving toward me threateningly.

“She’s roaming the back streets of Dismalville, looking for you, Jerry.”

Jerry clapped his hands in glee and shot off down my garden path, no doubt headed to Dismalville.

I had succeeded! And no amount of Dani magic could change Jerry’s mind about Krystal!

Later that night, I received a phone call from an excited Krystal.

I held my breath as she relayed her news.

“Raine, Jerry has turned up. I think he must’ve been at a health retreat or something because he looks real spiffy! We’re going on a date and then we’re gonna get married and I’m gonna make his life real miserable because someone told me they’d heard on the grapevine that Jerry once planned to snap my neck. Oh, I’m so happy!”

And then my twisted sister hung up on me!

And that is exactly what happened.

Krystal and Jerry spent the rest of their dismal lives making each other miserable which also made them happy because misery loves company.

I spent my days being happy because the writing rabbit hole was filled in — there were no more cliffhangers to write and/or rewrite.

But the thing that made me happiest of all was that I never heard from Dani or Susan again although I suspect I might after I hit publish on this rubbish!

Dani Montage celebrates her new book, the first in a series, Sydney & Sakura: Inferno Rift. I wish her all the magic in the world surrounding its release.

Krystal wrote a letter after Jerry killed her and before I unkilled her. As if! Right?

Susan Christiana does not like the outcome of thinking for herself:

Patrick Eades (Sir Patrick) gives us handy calming ideas. If you want to stay calm and float your boat on a moat, avoid looking at the scary gif.

Robert Gowty (Sir Robert) shows us how to hold a successful regatta and public execution day.