Social Skills
How To Turn Loathsome Small Talk Into Exciting Conversations
Ask questions.
I was at a gathering with people who I didn’t know. They were friends of a companion.
I dreaded it, thinking, “It’s going to probably be a bunch of platitudes being exchanged”.
Great.
Before I was flung into modern times, I, a medieval Scholastic, was living in the 15th century, and people I knew there didn’t do small talk.
They occupied themselves with fairly interesting ideas and spent a lot of time reading.
We had the patience to listen for a long time and then respond at length, and they would also wait until you’ve finished.
Back to the gathering.
Sure enough, one person asked me what I was doing. I mentioned the software job I’ve started and the dizzying array of new technologies I’ve been coming to grips with.
They didn’t know too much about it so I tried to make it interesting. But soon enough, no questions were forthcoming.
Then an idea dawned on me.
Ask Questions
Ask questions.
So I asked them what they did instead. They said:
“I’ve retired recently so I spend time hiking, swimming, meeting with friends’.”
They didn’t give me too much information.
They’re also at a different stage of life.
But I reckon I can still learn about his world.
“Where do you swim?”
“Do you join any events?”
Someone Joined the Group —I Kept Asking
By his time, someone joined the group.
They were long-standing friends with the person I was talking to.
This new person talked about a health crisis they’ve gone through recently.
It was a long story but it was mesmerising.
“What was the health check index called?”
“When did it happen?”
“How did you find out when it all went wrong?”
You know how sometimes you ask a question and then have to nod for 5 minutes?
It was a bit like that, but they were a good storyteller so I got a lot out of it.
Fight to Ask Meaningful Questions
Their friend kept asking questions that were more details than essence:
(Not really questions, actually.)
“Yeah, that thing you’ve just talked about, it’s very common. I have a friend…”
That sounded like a digression to me.
It wasn’t moving the conversation anywhere in our group of 6.
“So how do you cope with your crisis now?”
I tried to steer the conversation back to where we were.
“Yes, so I have to visit the hospital next week, and …”
Success.
Suddenly, someone summoned him away and the main storyteller left us.
Silence.
An awkward moment in the group.
“So what hiking trials would you recommend?”
I asked the first person I met again.
“Oh there are loads, let me tell you. There’s this you should look, …”
Ask questions.
I’ve learned over the years that to become a better conversationalist, simply:
Ask questions.
Why?
1. People are better at talking about themselves
We’re most familiar with our worlds. We have no trouble describing it.
I find that when people do ask me questions, it’s usually because what I say may have a bearing on their worlds.
Yet to move beyond where we are, we need to try to explore more than our worlds. This leads me to point 2.
2. Explore their world
That’s an idea I once heard described elegantly. Rather than thinking there’s a series of set questions you’ll have to go through at a party, why not treat the person in front as a person and understand the world that I could explore?
I cast my mind to a quote from Volodymyr Zelensky in his address to the UK Parliament near the start of the Russian invasion of Ukraine:
“In 13 days of the Russian invasion, 50 children were killed. 50 great martyrs. This is dreadful! This is emptiness. Instead of 50 universes that could live, they took them away.”
(Reference: Office of the President of Ukraine.)
50 children, 50 universes.
Elegant.
A life is a universe. Each human is endowed with the utmost dignity (see my thoughts here calling out Shakespeare on this).
3. Speak into their lives
Every once in a while, someone might be looking for a solution to a problem.
But if I don’t spend time getting to know them and listen to them, I don’t get a ‘speaking right’ in the same way.
Quoting St James:
“Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
You could speak into their situation or solve a problem they have. You may even be able to build a deeper connection. And so on.
You get the idea.
In the group conversation I was in, there was way too much distraction.
People kept going in and out. We were all seated awkwardly in a place, so it was impossible to ‘break off’ into smaller groups. We kept sidetracking.
So I decided to leave that conversation.
But I felt I knew the people better, and next time I meet them (which it turns out I will), I can ask them about these things.
Hark ye: I am the modern scholastic, and ended up in the modern world by fortuitous chance.
Thou canst read more about mine attempts heretofore to comprehend today’s world and how one advocateth learning: