Find peace by tackling the unfinished business in your life
Leaving things unresolved can make it hard to find peace. Tie up those loose ends and get the calm you need to thrive.
by: E.B. Johnson
When we leave conflict or major tasks and to-dos unfinished, it can leave us feeling off kilter or struggling to cope and relax. True joy and happiness in this life is only achieved when we learn how to quiet our minds, and that takes laying to rest the things in our past which keep us up at night or make it hard to move forward.
If you want to resolve the unfinished business in your life, you have to start by getting real about what you want and why. When we avoid finding the resolutions we need, we avoid the personal growth and transformation that might otherwise empower us to create the life we’ve always dreamed. Tying up those loose ends means closing the door on the pain of our pasts and the things that no longer suits us. And that’s something that takes not only time but perseverance, and a healthy dose of understanding too.
Needing resolution.
Unfinished business can be a huge upset in our lives, and leave the door open for a number of other pain points and heartache that could otherwise be avoided. When things go wrong or we avoid the tough decisions, we deny ourselves the emotional and mental closure that we need to move on and see and pursue new opportunities. It’s a toxic way to live and one which leaves us chained to the past and things that no longer suit us. If we want to find true happiness, we have to learn how to close the door and tie up the loose ends of our past, present and future.
When we don’t address issues or conflict in our life, we allow it to fester like a sore. We need resolution and closure when things go wrong, and we need that primarily because we need to protect our peace of mind. Failing to put things behind you seriously corrodes your inner peace, and can make you hyper-focus on negative thought and behavior patterns that otherwise undermine your authentic joy in this life (think substance abuse, emotional abuse, toxic relationship choices and more). The pain in our lives is a revolving door, and it has to be dealt with lest it goes on to destroy everything we love.
Perhaps worst of all, leaving major conflict (be it material or emotional) unresolved can lead to an erosion of future generations. Our children pick up our torches, whether we mean for them to or not. For this reason, unfinished business — in whatever form it takes — can take a serious toll on the behavioral patterns and beliefs of future generations. In this space, our offspring learn addictive behaviors, abusive relationship patterns, how to maintain family secrets and worse. It’s a toxic and never-ending pattern that will repeat until it is confronted and laid to rest consciously.
How we get hung-up.
There are a number of different ways we get hung-up in this life, and there are a number of different types of unfinished business. We can get thrown off track by everything from failed to-do lists to relationships breakdowns without closure. Part of getting real about what you need to heal is getting honest about what it is that is causing you to get stuck in the first place.
To-do’s that get dumped
Not all unfinished business is about relationships-gone-wrong, or familial pain. Sometimes, it’s literally business — and this business can be a weight on our mind that is hard to bear. Failing to tackle important to-dos, or missing out on major achievements that would add or detract from your quality of life, can nag at our peace of mind and make it hard to focus. We have to literally tie up loose ends, and tackle the things that are important in order to feel calm, relaxed and in charge of our futures and our environments.
Unresolved emotions
Our emotions are important, and they play a critical role in determining who we are and how we react to stimuli in our environment. These emotions are powerful, and they can lead us to some strange places when they aren’t dealt with and addressed accordingly. Only be differentiating and resolving emotions like anger and sorrow can we truly unlock the power of our authentic desires. That takes some digging, however, and it takes going to some places that can be unsteady or uncomfortable.
Decisions left in the lurch
Adverse experiences make us react in a lot of strange ways, but the most common way they make us respond is by avoiding. Avoidance is a dangerous tactic, and one that can land us in some hot water when it compounds over time. When we avoid the hard stuff, we leave a lot of important decisions in the lurch and that (in itself) can lead to its own series of hang-ups or causing us to get “stuck in a rut”. The hard decisions don’t go away just because we avoid them. They become a festering sore in our lives. We have to address them and make a leap if we want to move on and find peace.
Relationships without closure
Perhaps one of the more common forms of unfinished business is relationships that end without closure. When our romantic — or even platonic — relationships fall apart, it can leave us feeling lost and looking for a reason why. We want to know why our partner dumped us. We want to know what it was about our personality that pushed them away. Understandably, we want answers. But those answers aren’t always there to give. Sometimes, things don’t work out and people walk away without telling us why. The real power (and the only way to find peace in a broken relationship) is in learning how to find closure on our own.
Apologies that never come
One of the biggest hangups that many of us face in this life is failing to receive apologies we believe we are owed. When someone hurts us, or makes us feel smaller than we are, we want justice — and that’s okay. Unfortunately, that justice doesn’t always come, and the guilty party doesn’t always hang or even have to make amends for what they did to you. True peace is in letting go of that desperate need for an apology and finding a way to thrive regardless of anyone or anything else.
How to find the resolution we need.
Struggling with unfinished business is no excuse to give up or give in on this life. We can find the resolutions and closure that we need when we get proactive and get focused on the techniques that can bring us closer to who we truly are. If you’re looking to shut the door on painful or otherwise uncomfortable situations, experiences or people you have to start by acknowledging that need and then getting active about solving it. You can do that by applying the following techniques each and every day.
1. Acknowledge the hang-ups
The first step in confronting any problem in our lives — be it big or small, internal or external — is acknowledging the problem and any part you might play within it. This requires accepting our personal power, and being brutally honest about what aspects of self or environment we truly control. Only then can you address any parties that might play a role in your conflict appropriately. And only by accepting the problem can you come up with a plan of resolution in the first place.
Sit down and get real about how you’re feeling, then be honest about why. Embrace the part you’ve played in your current circumstances, but be brutally honest about the part others have played as well. Get real about what’s wrong and what’s right in your life, and compare it against the future you want for yourself and your family. When you embrace what’s wrong, you can make it right. Not before.
Mindful journalling is a great way to start digging into the meat of what’s leaving you unsteady and what you need to settle. Make a list of the tasks you’ve left unfinished. Write down how accomplishing those tasks could bring you peace or still your mind. There too, make another list of the relationships or past experiences that are leaving you feeling stuck or scared. Use your words and don’t hold back. No one will ever see them but you, so be honest. There is nothing wrong with what you want or what you need. You’re as entitled to it as anyone or anything that ever caused pain and upset in your life.
2. Create space
Simply knowing there is a problem isn’t enough. Once you know there is an issue in your life, relationship or environment, you have to take a step back and create enough space for you to analyze the situation logically. As humans we are emotional creatures, but that emotion can get in the way of our rational judgement and make it hard to see the facts at play. By creating space, we allow both ourselves (and any other party involved) take some time to collect their emotions, analyze the part they played, and then analyze and measure the appropriate emotional and physical response to the situation.
Take some time away from the people, places and things that are causing you stress or working up your emotions. If you’ve got an issue with a specific person, let that person know that you need some time and create enough space between you and their conflict to clear your head and analyze things honestly.
Space is an important part of remembering and maintaining who we are, and it’s an important part of the self-care we should all be administering regularly. Embrace the power of “me time” and take it regularly. In this space, you’ll be able to create a game plan and truly realize whether the peace you seek can be resolved through others or on your own. Use this room as a barrier to write a plan of action that aligns with who you are at your authentic core. Revel in it, and take it regularly — not just when you’re feeling pressed against the wall. There’s nothing wrong with going it alone, and it’s important that we use this time to clear our heads.
3. Determine your intentions
Intentions are important, and they can be a powerful tool in determining what we really need in order to feel at peace. Our intentions and our emotions are closely intertwined, and it’s our job (as growing, evolving adults) to untangle the two in order to make better decisions for ourselves. By determining what we really want and why, we can work on our conflict from the appropriate angle and come out with healthier resolutions that benefit all involved.
Focus on one issue at a time and deep dive into how it makes you feel. Analyze your feelings about it now, and compare them to how you felt in the moment or how you might feel 5 or 10 years from now. Ask yourself probing questions. Are you looking for an apology so people will know you’ve “won”? Or are you looking for an apology so that your inner child will finally know they’re safe? Those are two very different resolutions with two very potentially different outcomes (externally and internally).
The only resolutions worth working for are those that add to our lives, our sense of security or our sense of self. If we’re looking for some sort of glorification, or if we’re looking for some sort of revenge — we have to keep looking. In those ways lies pain. True peace comes when you approach things with the right intentions. Determine your intentions honestly. Though there is no right or wrong reason for wanting what you want, there are right and wrong ways and reasons to involve others. Focus on your journey, and pursue the things that make you better…not worse.
4. Look for guidance
Guidance can be a powerful tool, and one that empowers us to resolve our own issues in more efficient and successful waays. Sadly, nothing on this Earth is original. Everything we experience, every emotion we have has been dealt with and experienced by someone else on this planet. Though we might be special, we aren’t original. That’s why it’s important that we seek guidance when we’re feeling lost or as though we need some closure in our lives.
Reach out to your support network and lean into friends or family who might have experience dealing with similar situations or circumstances. If you’re struggling to make a decision, or looking to come to terms with a relationship that didn’t pan out, look to them for guidance and ask them how they overcame their hardships or created their own sense of peace.
There’s no shame in finding help in others. There’s no shame in looking for answers in places where they already exist. Our trusted friend and family are important sounding boards by which we can confirm or shift our perspectives in transformative ways. Looking for guidance is yet another tool in our coping tool box, and it’s not just limited to people that we know. Mental health professionals too can help us resolve the pain of our pasts, and make it easier to survive when we’re looking to come to terms with unfinished business.
5. Reach for honest expression
Honesty is one of the most important skills we can learn in this life, yet it seems to be one abandoned more and more in the modern world. We project ourselves across social media as the “perfect human” specimens. We share our joy, our successes, but we rarely are honest about how we’re really feeling or what we really want. Finding honest expression is critical in finding peace, but it’s a process that takes a lot of time and a lot of understanding to master.
Honesty means radical acceptance, and it means facing up to things that might make us hurt of feel uncomfortable. You have to start being brutally honest with both yourself and others if you’re looking to put things to an end, and you have to be honest if closure is both what you want and what you need.
Reach for honest expression when all else fails and be earnest about your thoughts and the emotions that are weighing you down or causing you to feel stuck. If you’re not in a place where you can speak your truth out loud, record your thoughts in a journal. Likewise, personal audio and video recording on your mobile device can be a great way to get insight and get real. Honesty is the key by which we unlock the door to all acceptance and peace, but it’s a high hill to climb and an even bigger portal to open. Part of embracing truth is embracing the journey to get there.
6. Always return respect
Whatever happens, whatever outcome you find yourself in the midst of it — it’s important to retain respect, both for yourself and anyone else that might be involved. Respect allows us to connect on meaningful levels, and it allows us to keep a level head when emotions are running. If we always adhere to being respectful, we never have to worry about stepping out of line; and we never have to worry about regretting our actions, because we’ll always give as good or better than we get.
Make respect a tenant of your life and incorporate it into everything you do. If your mental and emotional health needs closure, actively pursue that closure as a mark of respect to yourself and your rightful needs. There’s nothing wrong with getting answers to our unfinished business. There’s nothing wrong with needing things to be at an end. Always approach with the knowledge that we’re all just doing the best that we can.
Focusing on respect makes it easier for us to move forward confidently when our intentions seem skewed. It’s the roadmap by which we can direct ourselves back to that authentic self and authentic joy, but it’s one that has to be kept at hand consciously. Modern living is hard, it’s fast-paced and it pulls us under when we don’t keep working to stay on top. Use respect in everything you do, and remember to always respect yourself as well as those around you; including your emotions, your desires and the things you need to thrive.
7. Get prepared for back and forth
When it comes to relationships, the fact of the matter is that conflict operates a little like a tennis match. Once you’ve opened up to the other party and made your intentions clear, you have to leave space for them to do the same, and you have to go back and forth until you reach a point in which it feels as though you’re both more relaxed, understood and optimistic.
In other words, if you’re looking to resolve unfinished business with someone important to you — you have to learn how to maintain the back and forth tennis game that that resolution requires. And you have to learn how to love finding answers as much as you love sharing your point of view.
Create space for sharing your experience, but leave enough space for them to share their own as well. Part of getting closure is absorbing the knowledge that will allow you to better analyze that closure and experience at a later date. Share your feelings; share your needs. Allow the other person to share theirs too, though, and allow them the absolute right of their own perspective.
8. Leave it and let it go
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, resolution just isn’t possible. People die, move on or just plain refuse to give us what we need. There aren’t always answers, and there aren’t always apologies. Often, things just happen and we have to learn how to deal and exist in the wake of their upset. If you’ve come to the end of the road and don’t get answers, you have to leave it and let it go.
Dig into the meat of your emotions, and start to release all the bad that’s lingering at the hands of someone or something else. There is little in this world that we have true control over. Life is chaos and it is change…always. Embrace that chaos, and know that sometimes there just isn’t a reason and there just isn’t answer. We have to walk away sometimes, and we have to do it without the words or the actions that we wanat.
Detach yourself from the emotions or the experience, and know that we are not defined by what happened to us or what someone else makes of us. The only people we can control in this world is ourselves. The only behaviors, emotions and reactions we can dictate are our own. If you’re not getting what you want from a person or a situation — let it go. And have enough respect for yourself to walk away when things aren’t bringing you peace.
9. Back it up and get motivated
The hard part about moving on and finding peace is that — at some point — you just have to make the decision to do it and commit (with or without the things you need). Peace happens when we make it happen. We relax when we proactively create a space in which we can relax. At some point, you have to decide when to end the struggle and move on. But you also have to mind the motivation to keep you moving forward.
Find yourself in spite of the hardship. Find yourself in spite of those who refuse to acknowledge how they did you wrong or turned you away. Embrace this life for what it is, and start pursuing your passions — whether that involves taking a pottery class or picking up and moving to another state.
Rather than focusing on all the things that have gone wrong, or all the people that have done you wrong, move on and chase the things that can make your heart sing or bring you joy again. Create the future you want and through that, manifest the people and experiences that will empower you to find meaning and zest again. When you find motivation, you will be able to move confidently toward the future, but that only happens when you make the conscious decision to do so and then apply action to that decision. We manifest our destinies through a little action, each and every day,
Putting it all together…
If we want to find true and lasting joy in this life, we have to learn how to close the door on the things that no longer suit who we are. Conflict in our life, no matter how it arises, deserves resolution; more than that we ourselves deserve the respect of having our pain laid to rest. Sometimes, however, this comes down to our own personal willpower and taking responsibility for our happiness in this life. Not all answers are easy, and not all apologies are forthcoming. If we truly want to resolve our unfinished business, we have to get up and shut the door ourselves — proactively.
The first step in resolving any hang-ups or unresolved issues in your life is acknowledging those shadows in the first place. Embrace how you’re feeling, and be honest about the why. Once you know what’s wrong, you can make a plan to address — but you must first create the space you need to address and analyze things from a rational perspective. Focus on your intentions, and reach our for help and guidance if you need it. Nothing that we go through is orignal. Find someone who has resolved pain similar to yours and compare you game plans. Reach for honest expression, and don’t shy away from the harder parts of finding your peace. Be respectful, and leave room for any other parties to express their own how and why. Not all conflict in our life can be resolved. Sometimes, we have to be okay moving on without an apology and without an acknowledgement of our pain. When it no longer suits, leave it and let it go. Find new motivation to create the future you want. After all, you’re the only one who is holding you back from finding happiness.
