How to cope when we need to let go
Sometimes, we have to let go of the ones we love. That can take time, though, and it can take a lot of radical acceptance.
by: E.B. Johnson
While they say that time heals all wounds, that doesn’t feel like the case when you’re recovering from a particularly nasty breakup. No matter how hard we try to piece ourselves back together, there are some hurts that never seem to go away and there some lovers we can never seem to forget. Learning how to live again in the wake of a break down in a relationship is hard, but it’s made even harder when the other person is permanently stuck on your mind.
It takes a lot of hard work to get over the big loves of our past, but it can be done. All it takes is a little understanding and a lot of perseverance. Remember: It took a while to get them into your heart. It’s going to take a little while to get them out.
The truth about why it’s so hard for us to let go.
No matter how many times you experience it, breakups are a jarring affair. While it might seem like it’s an over-and-done-with sort of a thing, breakups are long, drawn out affairs that can tax us emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Even when you think you’ve made it through the worst of the grief following a breakdown in your relationship, you often find only more strife and heartache on the other side. Why? Why is letting go such a difficult thing to do? The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of different reasons.
You only see what you want to see.
Holding onto things that are no more most often occurs because we insist on seeing those things as we wish them to be, rather than as they were or are.
For instance, you might miss your ex because you think of all the times they brought you flowers or told you that they loved you; but you’re overlooking all the times they belittled you or made you feel worthless and alone.
When you see only what you want to see, it tinges your memories with rose-colored glasses and makes you fill with regrets that are both bogus and self-defeating. If you’re having a hard time getting over someone, stop and take a moment to reflect over your thoughts. Are you only longing for the good things? Or are you longing for the reality of what you lost?
You’re catastrophizing.
Catastrophizing occurs when we frame a painful situation as a worst-case scenario or disaster, despite the evidence that proves otherwise. As a result, you actually exacerbate your pain and compound your heartache in a way that cultivates helplessness, pessimism and even chronic physical pain.
Exaggeration becomes easy when you’re in a heartbreak spiral, but learning how to break that pattern is key to getting back in touch with your happiness and authentic self.
You’re refusing to accept things (or yourself).
If you want to move on, you have to embrace a radical acceptance that includes not only your new relationship status but your internal self as well. According to relationship advisor and author Kevin Darné, you can only start to heal once you want to let go.
“We’ve been programmed by romance novels and Hollywood movies to view breakups as stepping stones toward happily ever after,” Darné said. “Just about everyone loves a story where a couple, in the end, gets back together after having gone through some painful emotional turmoil.”
As long as you refuse to accept that things are over, you will continue to torture yourself and close off opportunities that could offer you real happiness. Acceptance is hard, but delusion is harder. Make sure you know which one you’re choosing.
You’re ruminating too much.
Almost all of us spend more time in our heads than we should, ruminating over things that have both happened and not happened. Ruminating is dangerous, though, and unless you’re intimately aware of those dangers you can find yourself falling into some pretty nasty traps.
If you’re someone who thinks a lot, it can become far too easy to get caught up in self-blaming thoughts after the breakdown of a relationship. You play back every thing you ever did or said and scour your memories for every chip of blame you can lay at your own feet.
The problem with this, however, is that there isn’t always a reason for a breakup. Sometimes, people just don’t work and there’s no one to blame. The key to minimizing this comes down to accepting that what happened, happened. Unless you have a time machine, there’s no way to change it. You might as well focus on what you can change going forward, instead.
How to deal when you just can’t let go.
Once you have an understanding of why you can’t let go, it makes finding a path to healing easier. Life does go on and it does get easier after a breakup. It takes time, though, and it takes work. Get in touch with that strong, powerful internal self again and let go of the shackles that are keeping you chained to the past and your regrets with these powerful techniques.
1. Get into some self-care.
In the first days and weeks following a breakup, self-care is important. While it can be tempting to give into the rom-com stereotypes of post-breakup life, those behaviors are usually self-defeating and toxic. You might think that binge eating and binge drinking are going to make you feel better, but they won’t. Practicing a little self-care and compassion, though? That will.
Relationship breakdowns actually cause a lot of measurable stress in our lives. Within days of a breakup, our bodies receive an influx of the hormone cortisol, which can cause us to gain weight, sleep poorly and even have digestive issues.
In order to combat these negative effects (and make it easier for you to stop thinking about the person who broke your heart) you can practice a little self-care by getting plenty of sleep, eat clean, healthy foods or starting a mindful journaling practice. It’s also helpful to get outside and move or exercise to get more feel-good endorphins going in your body again.
2. Cut out the social media.
While social media often feels like a place we can reach out and get support, it can also be an extremely toxic place when you’re struggling with unresolved emotions. Platforms like Facebook have been proven to dramatically decrease our wellbeing over time, especially when we’re feeling vulnerable or disconnected from the things that bring us joy and keep us grounded.
In order to lessen your pain and speed-up your healing, take a social media break that allows you to take a step back from the nastier triggers that send you spiraling.
Social comparison is a very real thing and social media only encourages it. Even if you log on with the best intentions, it’s only a matter of time until you start comparing your healing process to that of your ex’s or your friends. Avoid the whole thing altogether and skip out on feeling worse about yourself than you already do.
3. Stop rushing.
Getting hurt has a funny way of throwing us into an all-out sprint to “move on”. We rush into new friendships, new careers, new hair choices (hahaha) and worst of all — new relationships. We’re in such a rush to move past our bad feelings that we never really give ourselves time to feel them and deal with them.
It is disorienting to find yourself cast out of a relationship, especially if that relationship provided perceived stability or belonging. You have to take time, however, to let your feelings wash over you and even more time to figure out who you are outside of the coupledom you once defined yourself by.
4. Accept that they don’t need you anymore.
While it might be comforting to imagine your loved one coming back to you one day, you have to learn to look at your love from a different perspective. Just because we love someone does not mean that we need them, and it certainly doesn’t mean that they need us.
Change is an unavoidable part of life. Our jobs change. Our friends change. It’s only natural that our relationships should change too.
While your relationship might have started out in bliss accept that it was always bound to twist and turn and transform over time — leaving two people at the finish line that are very different from the two that started the race to begin with.
5. Start putting your needs first.
Sit back and ask yourself why you still feel compelled to bleed over someone that does not love you back. Is this a pattern you picked up in childhood, or is there an even deeper reason you’re clinging to your past?
When you consider your past relationship and the reality of your needs and emotions, you’ll often see that things were far from ideal all along. Stop using all your time and energy dwelling on someone who isn’t dwelling on you. Instead, start putting your own needs first for a change and find your way back to who you are by finding your passions again.
6. Choose to be the best version of yourself.
If you find yourself stumbling coal-blind into the staggeringly harsh light of day after a long-term relationship, you might find that you need to find yourself again in order to begin the healing process.
Kick this process off by choosing to become the best possible version of yourself again. Remember what it is that makes your heart sing and what it is that makes you unique. Explore those things and find new things that lift your spirits or help you connect to your authentic self in meaningful ways.
Engaging your mind with new hopes, goals and dreams will allow you to replace the old ones (and memories of your partner too) and the best part about it is that there’s no wrong way to go about it.
There’s a whole world of exciting and invigorating activities (and new friends) out there just waiting for you, but you have to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and get out there to find them. Opportunity is generous, but she also moves quick. Take hold of her by putting yourself out there while becoming the best version of yourself you can be.
7. Close the chapter.
It’s hard to stop wanting someone just because they’ don’t want you anymore. If you really want to heal — if you really want to move on — you have to close the chapter forever and allow yourself to accept that things have come to an end once and for all.
Stop the casual texts. Stop asking about them at holiday parties or family get togethers. Those things are just tricks your inner-saboteur plays to keep to hung up on a sense of false hope. Delete their phone number, block them on social media and let go of the dream that you two are going to grow old together. It’s over, whether you accept it or not. You might as well choose to find new happiness.
BONUS: The toxic behaviors you should NEVER engage in after a breakup.
Just because you have a greater understanding of your pain and how to overcome it doesn’t mean you’re magically healed. Heartbreak is a strange creature and it can cause us to relapse in some truly tragic ways. Avoid shooting yourself in the foot and hindering your breakup recovery by avoiding these 8 toxic behaviors altogether.
Over-the-top partying.
When we’re hurting we look for the quickest and easiest thing to alleviate our heartache. It can become tempting to drown your sorrows after a breakup, but that only buries the emotions you’re dealing with and makes it harder for you to let go. Going all in on a life of partying is a distraction, not a cure, and it does little to help us through our grieving process, though we might think otherwise.
Kissing and telling.
Bad-mouthing the person who broke your heart might feel good, but it doesn’t look good. Trash talk comes back to reflect more on you than the other person and can lead to further obsession over your relationship breakdown or the person that cut the ties. It’s not polite to talk about people who have done you wrong, and it’s not attractive and it’s not productive. You can vent to your closest friends and family, but when it comes to a public pronouncement — keep it zipped.
Seeking revenge.
If you were the one on the receiving end of “it’s over”, then chances are you’re going to want revenge at one point or another. It’s understandable. When we’re hurt, it can feel good or just to get revenge, but it never works out and always comes back to bite us. There are lines that just shouldn’t be crossed ever, and that includes starting rumors, hacking into social media accounts or talking trash to everyone you know. Even if it’s painful, take the high road. There are better people there and the air is cleaner too.
Harbor reminders.
Memories of happy times can be helpful, but they can also be harmful. Keeping around anything that causes you pain is a no-go when it comes to recovering, so stash away those old photos and put that teddy bear in a box until you’re feeling stronger and are ready to use your memories for inspiration, rather than rumination.
Social media stalk.
We’ve all been there, stalking through photos of our exes and their new friends or partners. This is one of the most toxic things you can do for yourself, however, and it serves no purpose save to cause you more pain. Cut out the social media stalking and distract yourself when the urge comes on. If the pull to see what you former flame is doing is too strong — cut the social media cord altogether or go on a temporary hiatus (at the very least).
Beg for another chance.
No matter how much you might miss your ex, begging for another chance is not the answer. Getting over a breakup means no groveling and pleading for another try at something that already didn’t work. Respect the feelings of your partner and respect yourself enough to accept your new reality, and face the next stage as bravely as you can.
Date or marry the next person you meet.
According to April Masini, a New York relationship and etiquette expert, it’s best to stay solo immediately following a relationship breakdown. “After a painful breakup, being single for a while is the best way to ensure that your next relationship is not impulsive, haphazard and doomed for a repeat breakup,” she claims. “Take some time to process what happened and where things didn’t go as you had hoped — and what you want to do differently next time.”
Beat yourself up.
Having our hearts shattered can make it easy to wallow in self-pity, but that’s completely counterintuitive to the healing you’re trying so desperately to find. Rather than beating yourself up, find at least two (and up to five) things that you can do every single day to help you feel great and reaffirm your self-worth. Keeping yourself busy is the best way to stop beating yourself up, but you have to take the initiative to get up and get out there.
Putting it all together…
Losing the person we planned on sharing forever with is an almost impossible cross to bear, but bear it we must. Stop beating yourself up and start celebrating yourself by practicing a little self-care. Rediscover who you are as an individual by putting your needs first and choose to be the best version of yourself every single day.
It can be tempting to give in when we’ve been trampled by heartache, but life goes on whether you pretend to stop living or not. Why suffer when you could find a new and even more beautiful future? Don’t sabotage yourself by making the wrong decision. Embrace the change and buckle up for the right. Your healing will be messy and there will be up’s and down’s, but just imagine what a sparkling future awaits. The canvas is blank. Paint yourself a new picture.
