How to Survive Your Crazy Family’s Latest Drama

There’s no need to keep dreading family get-togethers if you have a plan that actually works.

Spring is coming! A time of warmth and excitement and…family parties. If Aunt Sue brings her drunk boyfriend one more time I’m going to pull out my hair. Oh, and remember last year, when grandpa fell asleep in the recliner and cousin Tim’s two little terrors drew a mustache and horns on his face with a permanent marker? I wish I could get a new family….

If you dread family gatherings, you’re not alone.

· All About Anxiety · How do I get rid of anxiety? · Preparing for your family event · How do I build a system that works? · How do I decide which boundaries to set? · How do I de-stress during the event? · Tips to Take Away · Resources

There’s a great music video made by Ray Stevens. Every time I see it I can’t help but laugh until my stomach hurts. It’s called the “Family Funeral Fight”, and it describes how everything fell into chaos at a family get-together.

“It was a military funeral

With the family gathered ‘round

Come to show the old man honor

And to ease him in the ground

But murmurs spread among the crowd

And the mourner’s blood ran cold

When up pulled the big squad car

Marked Tennessee State Patrol.

It was the old man’s youngest son

Doing 25 to life

For burning down his brother’s trailer

And running off with his wife

The entire family was divided

Held together by a shaky truce

And then a woman yelled, “I still love you, Earl”

And all hell broke loose.”

(Stevens, 2021)

Don’t tell me you have only seen dreaded relatives in the movies and never experienced this. Everyone has at least some craziness in their family. Think about when politics-loving Aunt Barb comes around and everyone gives each other that expression that says, “this is about to get interesting!”

We’re here to talk about the type of anxiety that centers around events, and what you can do to make sure that your family gathering doesn’t turn out like that song.

Let’s start with the basics.

All About Anxiety

According to Dr. John Delony, anxiety happens when the alarm bells in your body are going off, trying to tell you that there is some kind of problem.

You may be putting in too many hours at work or are having difficulties with your spouse that you’re reluctant to discuss.

Maybe it’s even an old alarm that you never learned to shut off. Your adrenaline spikes, hands sweat and pupils dilate, but they’re reactions to old triggers. This may happen if you had trauma in your childhood, but are no longer in a dangerous situation (2020).

Anxiety can look like…

When you can’t go into public because you’re afraid of people’s reactions to your behavior
When you’re so afraid of certain people that you start shaking when they walk in the room
When your emotions fog your brain so thickly that you can’t make decisions
When you wonder what is wrong with you and why you aren’t like “other people”
When all the negative thoughts people have said about you reappear
When you have so much anger that you can’t even think properly
When all of your plans break down because your brain goes into survival mode
When you have a deep sadness and grief when you think about the life you could have had

How do I get rid of anxiety?

Now, I could write an entire research paper on the effects of prolonged stress on the body. I could talk about the fight or flight reflex, and what’s called the Amygdala Hijack, where your emotional brain takes over in a crisis.

This article, however, is about real life and specific action steps that work short-term.

If you want to know more about the science behind anxiety, sign up for my email list at the end of this article. It will let you know when the next article comes out so that you can read more on this topic.

Unfortunately, there is no way you can make anxiety go away in a few short weeks, but you can learn to prepare and cope with it.

Do you remember the movie, Home Alone? Well, in this case, you are the kid preparing for the worst. However, you have all the advantages because you can see it coming.

Preparing for your family event

All right. You’ve heard me out so far, and now you’re wondering, “where is this going?

Here’s the part where I set the groundwork to prepare for dealing with a crisis.

First, I need you to do a little visualization with me. Imagine that you and are in a large room. There are cinder block walls. It’s a little damp and cold in there, and you can hear water rushing by just on the other side of the wall.

Now, since this is your imagination and you are the author, you can write in whoever you want. I’m going to add a guy with a clipboard and hard hat.

*Poof!* Hard hat guy appears and starts telling you how there is a river and it’s right outside the wall. If you want to survive, you’re going to have to divert the water before it floods the room.

Since you are not a plumber, and this is your imaginary world, you decide that you will build an amazingly complicated (but cool looking) pipe system that takes the water from the river, passes through the room you’re in, and out the other side of the wall.

It’s kind of like an escape room, just with…deadly consequences.

Next, You fly up to the ceiling on your imaginary hoverboard and wave at hard hat guy to turn the spigot. It’s time to test the system!

Thankfully, it works. Crisis averted because of good planning and unlimited imaginary resources in your mind.

Now, what on earth does this technique have to do with family stress?

When you’re dealing with any kind of recurring stressful situation, you need a plan to divert the water.

If your plan doesn’t work, you’re going to be flooded with stress and negative emotions, so take time building it.

Choose key people to support you that have a history of not abandoning you during a crisis and who will be able to act in your stead if you shut down from stress.

How do I build a system that works?

Identify the main issues. In our visualization, the issue was that there was a river about to drown us. In reality, you should name the top five stressful situations that have happened during family functions over the past two years.
Ask yourself, if these five things were gone, would my stress be at a manageable level? If you answer yes, then continue. If the answer is no, you may have to increase it to 10.
Write down the ABCs. Antecedent (Trigger)-Behavior-Consequence. In plain English, that means to identify which event triggers the problem behavior (A), the specific behavior causing the stress (B), and the fallout afterward ( C ).
Now, let’s focus on the B’s, the behaviors. Are these patterns? Does this person act this way at every family get-together? Why do you think they act this way?
Get with your spouse and decide what actions you will take when facing these events. This is like setting up the pipes. “What will I do when the flood of emotions and craziness hits?” Go ahead and plan for the worst, that way you can stop worrying when this is over. Because this time you have a plan.

Example: “If Uncle Tim gets drunk and starts a fight, I will…”

How do I decide which boundaries to set?

Here is the part where you decide which reaction is reasonable for each situation. I find it easiest to use the rating system (1–10) for the level of crisis happening.

Levels 1–2:

Little to no stress.
Take a break every four hours even if you’re not stressed. It will help you to reset and mentally review how the evening is going.

Levels 3–4:

Mild stress, but bearable.
You can go several hours without having to take a break.
If certain relatives are annoying you, change the subject. If they keep annoying you, leave the room.
No reason to leave the party.

Levels 5–6:

Moderate stress that is starting to bother you.
You need to start taking breaks once every hour or so to keep your sanity.
Your emotions may overwhelm you at times but you’re still able to function normally.
You may have to start calling or texting your accountability buddy on your breaks to get encouragement.
If a certain relative is causing you stress, you can leave the room.
No need to leave the party.

Levels 7–8:

High stress.
A crisis is going to happen soon. Things are heating up and it’s going to get ugly, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Your emotions have overwhelmed you to the extent that you are starting to zone out.
You need to take breaks every 15 minutes.
Make plans to leave as soon as you can.
When you go to leave, if you need support, call your accountability buddy and have them wait on the phone while you are leaving. It will give you more strength to have someone there with you.

Levels 9–10:

Extreme stress.
Everything is exploding in your face and it’s a dangerous situation.
Your brain is in survival mode and your capacity to make rational decisions is gone.
Getting your family out of the situation should be your only goal.

Most people want to jump straight to “let’s leave!”. When you plan it out, however, you can see that there are other options to try before getting to that level.

Tip: When you’re setting limits ahead of time like this, you have to remember that you can’t control other people. Boundaries are limits that you set on yourself. It’s a set of actions that you will do if ___ happens.

How do I de-stress during the event?

You may have noticed in the prior section that there are many times where it says “take a break”.

Here are some ways that you can de-stress when you are taking a break during your family party.

Going off to be by yourself will do two things: 1) your body will start to relax and 2) You can concentrate fully on one of these de-stressing techniques without hard-of-hearing Aunt Kate yelling in your ear.

Five finger stress test
Color breathing (I love this!)
Listening to music for a few minutes
Muscle Relaxation Script
Five senses exercises (sensory)
Visualization
Brain break exercises
Journaling (writing the events), art journaling (drawing) or emotions journaling (writing out the emotions you feel)
Playing rewind on the mental tape of the party, then re-watching the events to see how things are going.
Separating each emotion that you feel, finding the reason why you feel it, then saying, “I’m __(angry/sad/disappointed) and it’s okay.”
Drawing on your arm or hand
Writing out long quotes. The repetitive rhythm of writing by hand can calm you.
Calling or texting your accountability buddy for a check-in. Set this up before the party so that they know you may be calling on and off throughout the day.

Tips to Take Away:

Anxiety is an alarm warning you of other problems that must be fixed
It can (and does) affect your physical body in severe ways
Practice finding your top five stressors and how to get rid of them
Watch for troublesome behavior patterns and come up with plans to deal with each one
Have a plan for how to cope and relax periodically throughout the evening
Band together with your spouse or close friends to set limits with others. Sometimes we don’t have the strength to do it alone.

Relationships are the key to healing, but it’s very difficult to have deep relationships when you’ve been hurt very badly.

Educate yourself about your anxiety and learn to choose friends that have healthy communication habits and practice good character.

When I worked with people who grew a backbone and learned to set firm limits, I watched as their family members stopped playing games with them.

It may take ten years, but through hard work and practice, you will be able to do it.

Remember, it’s only your immediate family’s opinion that matters. Not Theirs.

Interested in more? Check out my newest article about the way our past affects how we see people in the present.

You Have a Jaded View of People and Here’s Why

Your past may have controlled you before, but you can now choose your future.

medium.com

Resources

Delony, John. Ebook, Ramsey Press, 2020, Amazon Kindle, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MV91MFK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1, Accessed 22 Dec. 2021.

Hughes, John. Home Alone. Home Alone, IMBD, 1990, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099785/. Accessed 25 Dec. 2021.

Stevens, Ray. “Ray Stevens — Family Funeral Fight.” Genius , Genius Media Group, 2021, https://genius.com/Ray-stevens-family-funeral-fight-lyrics.