How to Recognise and Resist a Hoover Attempt
It’s not remorse, it’s manipulation as a means to control.
Guilt is the thief of life — Anthony Hopkins
Hoovering.
If you’re just starting to learn about abusive relationships, and how people can end up stuck in them for so long, you will start to become familiar with this term.
Fairly obviously, hoovering refers to the fact that you get ‘sucked’ back into a toxic or abusive relationship, either after you have ended it yourself, or they have discarded you.
As someone who has survived two very abusive relationships, I now understand how to identify a hoover, and also how to resist one.
My first emotionally abusive relationship, at the age of nineteen, dragged on for seven years off and on.
Why? Because he continued to hoover me, even while he was in a new relationship.
I left the country to try to get away from the pain of the breakup and the constant contact, but every time I came home to visit family and friends, he’d find out somehow, and within days of landing I would get a phone call from him.
I had absolutely no idea that this was a way to control and manipulate me. I fell for it each time, thinking that we had a special connection and that’s why we always ended up back in contact. Then he would use triangulation to get maximum narcissistic supply from both his current partner and myself.
Each time he would promise he was going to end it with her and get back together with me.
He never did, and I was left broken and back to square one with recovering from heartbreak, unable to move on and find healthy love.
Finally, it took family members to intervene and warn him against ever making contact with me again for him to stop. This was done without my knowledge.
Which was just as well. If I’d known, I probably would’ve tried to reach out to him. I assumed that he just never contacted me again. I had no choice but to go through the withdrawals. It was the best thing my family ever did for me.
Seven years of my life were hoovered, with no knowledge or understanding about what was being done to me.
My second toxic relationship ended two years ago. It took three times before I was able to go no contact and stick to it.
At first, I tried to be ‘kind’ and not block him. I gave him the warning that I wanted him to give me at least three months before he made any contact to see how I felt.
He completely ignored this and continued to text me as if we were still together. I didn’t reply for two weeks, until the last one, where he said that one of his family members had passed away and he really wanted to talk to me.
By this time, I had done some reading on emotionally abusive relationships and recognized this for the hoover attempt that it was. I told him that I was not able to be his support system anymore, and that he’d need to reach out to family and friends. Then, I blocked him on every avenue that I could.
This is when the real hoovering started. I want to share these tactics so that if you come across any of them you will recognize them as hoovers and make sure that you don’t succumb. These are all the tactics that my abusive ex used to hoover me after I had blocked him on all forms of digital communication.
- Put a handwritten letter into my letterbox, delivered by him (no stamp).
- He bought a puppy and began walking it around the block at 6am when he knew that I would be walking my own dog. When he saw me he acted surprised that we bumped into each other.
- Created a new email address and sent me an email as his current one was blocked.
- Sent me a follow request on Instagram.
- He appeared in a supermarket that I went to at the same time each weekend. This supermarket is in a completely different suburb and he never shopped there before. I had to stop going to that supermarket.
- He sent a message to my best friend and asked if he could talk to her about what had happened between us.
- Drove past my house on several occasions (that I know of).
- Delivered a package to my door with his name on it, thinking that I would think it was a courier mix-up and call him (I didn’t).
It’s clear that there is some compulsive behavior going on here. It’s now been 3 months since the package was at my door, and I haven’t had any attempts since then. I never know if that is going to be the last one or not.
Emotional Fallout
Ending a toxic relationship and going no contact is extremely draining. There is so much guilt, doubt, confusion, withdrawal. I spent two years feeling like I was an alcoholic trying not to take a drink. There were so many days when I would come so close to breaking contact when the loneliness and guilt would set in, but I never did.
I found the strength by understanding WHY he was trying to contact me. Not because he missed me, not because he loved me, not because he finally understood that he had been abusive and wanted to change. He did it because he wanted me back under his control. He couldn’t stand the thought of me getting on with my life, without him being the star of the show.
Every time I would experience an emotional trigger from a hoover attempt, I would journal. I would allow the feelings to come up and understand that I didn’t have to do anything with them.
The feelings could just flow through me and then be gone again. As long as I didn’t try to resist them, they would pass. Acceptance is key to the healing process.
I had friends that I could reach out to if I really needed them. But I decided that it would be better for me to manage these feelings on my own if I could. Friends could only murmur sympathetically and offer advice that I already knew. It was temporary relief, and I needed to give love, support, and understanding to myself. I needed to learn how to self-regulate.
I feel very proud of myself for deflecting each and every hoover attempt that my ex has thrown at me. When I think back to the 19-year-old me, who kept getting sucked back in and paying the price over and over, I see how far I’ve come. I celebrate the fact that I am strong, and that finally, I understand that I am worthy of a much healthier love when the time comes again.
The Takeaway
Hoovering is the single most dangerous tactic that an abusive ex will employ, because it shakes you to your core, and has the potential to plunge you back into another round of toxicity, wasting your energy and reserves.
Learn how to spot hoovers, and don’t feel guilty for holding firm on your boundaries. Abusive ex-partners do not deserve another chance to sap your life force and prey on your goodness. You deserve better than that!
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