How to Quickly Make a Stupid Amount of Friends in a New City
Yes, I’m an introvert.
I moved nine times in the last five years, crossing the borders of countries and continents. I’ve munched on enough stale peanuts during cross-Atlantic flights to distinguish airlines by taste alone.
Living in different parts of the world broadens your horizon like nothing else, but there’s a big, fat drawback to it.
When you move, you leave everything and everyone behind. Your friends, family, and everyone you’ve known aren’t only in a different city, but a different continent and time zone.
When you’re amidst the hustle and bustle of a new town and don’t know anyone, one pressing question inevitably manifests in your head.
How can I make friends if I don’t know anyone here?
You’re a stranger, feel lonely, and have a hard time getting to know new people.
Even if you meet someone, the initial delight often gives way to the stone-cold realization that you don’t connect on the level you wished for. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, but true friends are as rare as a virgin in a strip club. Where do you even start?
If I, a Myer-Briggs confirmed introvert who hates packed parties and needs lots of time for himself, have made it, you can too.
As the saying goes, practice makes perfect — and I’ve practiced a lot. Here’s what I’ve learned about making friends in new cities during the last five years.
Start Early and Use Any Opportunity You Get
After any move, I’ve made 90% of my friends within the first four weeks of getting there.
In the beginning, you’re full of energy. Everything is new and exciting and your whole body and brain are in explore mode. It’s much easier to meet people and make friends during the newbie phase.
Use any opportunity you get, whether it’s an after-work dinner or your neighbor invites you to a barbecue. Ask for directions. Make small talk. You won’t have to become friends with everybody you meet but get into the habit of chatting with people.
Your first few weeks will make or break you. Once you’re submerged in your daily routine, it’s always the same old, same old, and new people will be hard to come by. Bite the bullet and get out of your comfort zone instead of getting comfortable on the couch.
Get out of the House
Here’s the best networking advice I ever received: Do interesting stuff and share it with the world.
You won’t find new friends by endurance testing your couch every night. It’s easy to put it off until tomorrow because you can’t find time after work, but tomorrow never comes. Your circle of friends and connectedness is a major factor of your happiness, so do yourself a favor, turn off the TV, and get out of your home.
I’ve met people in all sorts of places. During a walk, at the bakery, at 7 am in the subway, or sitting in a park — all introvert-friendly and Corona-proof.
Hit the gym, take yoga classes, go wine-tasting, or join a book club — whatever you find interesting. You’ll meet like-minded people you can easily connect with.
If you never do anything but sit at home, it’s impossible to meet people. If you do stuff every day, it’s impossible not to.
Master Small Talk and Go Beyond It
“But what can we talk about? I don’t know what to say!”
Your first words don’t matter — most people won’t even remember them. What matters is how quickly you can take the conversation to the next level.
When people make small talk, their brain is on autopilot. It runs a script that takes zero effort but also results in almost zero retention. Your goal is to break them out of that pattern because that’s where the connection happens.
Talk about the weather, and people won’t even remember your conversation. But ask them if they’re a summer or winter person, and they’ll be forced to think. You’ll stand out from the crowd, and people will by default be more interested in connecting with you.
Get a few canned opening lines if you have to, but the real magic happens when you move deeper.
My favorite is to ask people about the city — what’s there to do, how long they’ve been there, and if they like it.
Then, ask them the most powerful question of all: “Why?”
Their response will give a bunch of topics to venture into — the nightlife, the greenery, or a small local bakery that makes the best pastry in the world.
Whenever you can, ask why. It’ll help you to find out more about the other person, which brings me to the next point.
Be Genuinely Interested in Others
You don’t have to be an incredibly interesting person for others to like you, but you have to be interested in them.
In his world-famous bestseller “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie explains that to win someone’s liking, you have to ask questions and be genuinely interested in them. The more they talk, the more invested they are, and the more they like you.
Everybody has something they’re crazy about, whether it’s growing plants, medieval history, or brewing beer. Ask about their passions, and they’ll spill words like a three-year-old an overfilled bowl of alphabet soup.
You’ll also learn everything about a topic from someone knowledgeable and passionate about it. Talk about a win-win situation.
Make Yourself Vulnerable
Once you found someone you clicked with, you’ll have to find a way to connect and meet again.
It can feel weird to ask someone you just met if they want to hang out. You’ll seem like you’ve got no friends — which is the case.
Don’t cover it up. Be open about it. Tell the people you meet you’re new in the city and looking for contacts. Most will be super nice about it and make an active effort to hang out with you or introduce you to someone else.
Once you’ve moved beyond small talk, there’s nothing wrong with dropping a “Hey, I just moved here and looking to meet some people. Do you wanna hang out sometime?”
Don’t beat around the bush. Be honest and make yourself vulnerable. It’s by far the most effective way to connect with others and build a social circle.
Don’t be afraid to ask for phone numbers and text them. Worst case, they don’t reply, so you’re back to the start. Best case, you’ve made a new friend.
Being alone in a new city can be overwhelming, especially if you aren’t the type who makes friends easily. But meeting new people isn’t rocket science. After all, we humans are hardwired for connection and all you need to do is to follow this simple, 5-step process.
- Start early and use any opportunity you get
- Get out of the house
- Master small talk and go beyond it
- Be genuinely interest in others
- Make yourself vulnerable
I help men find direction, create a meaningful life, and build better relationships by being more authentic. Sign up for my free 5-minute newsletter and become part of the Authentic Men Tribe!
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