How to Pick Your Network Wisely
Simple, actionable advice from psychology books and personal stories on how to choose your friends and how to let go.
In high school and college, I had a really popular friend. She made friends with almost everyone she met. She got close to people quickly and shared secrets with them quickly.
I was different. I liked to keep things private and only had a few friends. I picked my friends very carefully. Some people made fun of me for this.
But as I got older, I learned something important. It’s not about how many people like you or who you call “friends.” It’s about choosing the right people to be around you and why you keep them close.
Why Do Humans Need Social Network?
Humans need social networks, and Prof Steve Peters, in “The Chimp Paradox,” offers an interesting reason why.
He talks about two ways our brains work. One is the Human brain, which thinks logically and makes rational decisions. The other is the Chimp brain, which is all about feelings and quick, instinctive reactions.
Having friends and people we trust is important because of these two brain systems. Our Human brain helps us think things through and make smart choices about who we spend time with. The Chimp brain, on the other hand, looks for emotional connections and support. It’s this part of our brain that makes us feel good when we’re around people who care about us.
So, our need for a social network is a mix of seeking logical, meaningful relationships and needing emotional support and connection.
This balance helps us handle our feelings and reactions in a better way, whether it’s the logical thinking from our Human brain or the emotional responses from our Chimp/Emotional brain.
Not Everyone’s Opinion Matter
Understanding that not everyone’s opinion matters is crucial. Our logical brain knows we need social connections for guidance and approval.
Meanwhile, our emotional brain sees this as vital for survival and happiness.
This often leads us to try too hard to please everyone. Sometimes, we even form unhealthy attachments to certain people.
Quit attachments
When we’re young, we tend to believe that people who come into our lives will stay forever. We forget a simple truth: humans and circumstances change. Nothing remains the same forever.
We have little control over our lives or others. Realizing this early can save a lot of pain.
I used to get overly attached to people, doing everything to make them stay. But they left anyway.
Acceptance is key when it comes to quitting attachments.
It always hurts when someone important leaves. But it’s crucial to learn how to accept and grow around it, and how to let go.
This understanding is a big part of emotional growth.
Don’t try to please everyone
It’s not good to always try to please everyone. Caring too much about what everyone thinks can be harmful.
Prof Steve Peters explains this well. He says you should be friendly, nice, and polite with everyone. But don’t get too close to everyone.
This means: Understanding that not everyone will have nice opinions about you. Pick whose opinions are important to you and ignore the rest. If someone is not very close to you, their opinion shouldn’t matter much.
You can’t make everyone like you. And that’s okay.
About my friend from earlier, looking back, I see she tried to please everyone. She shared too much and let too many people in. This led to her getting hurt and upset a lot.
Focus on the people who are really important to you. Try to understand their views and make them happy. Don’t worry about what others think, as long as you’re not hurting anyone.
Understand Everyone’s Role in Your Troop
Prof Steve Peters points out that expecting too much from people can hurt relationships.
He uses the example of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. They might compete for the attention of their son/husband. This competition is not good. It happens because they confuse their roles. The wife and mother play different parts in the man’s life. Not understanding this can cause pain for everyone. This could be avoided if they understood their roles better.
It’s key to think about the roles of everyone in your life, including at work. You should have clear and real expectations for the people close to you.
This leads to a cycle of frustration. You can break this cycle by setting realistic expectations.
For example:
- Your partner doesn’t have to act like a parent. If they do, it’s extra.
- Your boss isn’t there to make sure you get promoted or to take care of you.
- It’s not your mother’s fault if you’re not the person you want to be. That’s your responsibility.
In short, you need to be responsible for your choices and what you expect from others.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be upset with someone. It’s a reminder to think about whether you’re upset because they didn’t meet your high expectations, or if it’s your fault for expecting too much from them.
Final Words
In conclusion, dealing with negative emotions like anger and fear is a journey that involves understanding ourselves and the people around us.
Here are some actionable steps to help manage these emotions:
- Recognize the Two Brains: Remember the difference between your logical Human brain and your emotional Chimp brain. Use this understanding to better manage your reactions and feelings.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Avoid expecting too much from others. Understand that everyone has their own role and limitations.
- Choose Your Inner Circle Wisely: Focus on the opinions of those who truly matter. Don’t stress over pleasing everyone.
- Embrace Change and Let Go: Accept that change is a part of life. Learn to let go of things and people that are no longer a part of your journey.
- Practice Acceptance: Accept situations and emotions as they come. Don’t fight them, but learn to understand and manage them.
- Apply DBT Techniques: Use techniques from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, like mindfulness and emotional regulation, to deal with negative feelings.
Remember, managing emotions is not about eliminating them but understanding and channeling them in a healthy way. The journey might be challenging, but it’s also rewarding.