How to Deal with ‘Unwanted’ Emotions
There’s no escape from negative emotions. The better you contain them, the easier livelihood you’ll have. Here’s what the best books tell us about how to deal with them.
This article will be based on insights from three books by psychologists and neuroscientists: “Thinking, Fast and Slow,” “How Emotions Are Made,” and “The Chimp Paradox.”
In this new era, there’s a heightened focus on emotions, a contrast to previous generations, as indicated by research. This shift is attributed to the increasing emotional fragility of newer generations, influenced by numerous factors. Notably, social media has altered our interaction with the world. We find ourselves in unintended competition with strangers, driven by a fear of inadequacy or of missing out. Extend this notion to various other aspects of life.
Understanding emotions and brain function has thus become crucial. Emotions, regardless of their nature, should not be viewed as unwanted but rather welcomed.
Negative emotions serve a purpose: they provide insights about ourselves, guide us through obscured challenges, or warn us of ignored issues.
Mastering emotional knowledge is key to better self-management and to improving relationships with others.
Now, let’s start from the beginning…
What Are Emotions
According to Lisa Barrett, emotions are creations of the brain. Our brains react to different situations by generating emotions based on various factors. Contrary to classical theory and popular media portrayals (like the movie “Inside Out”), emotions do not have a universal bodily footprint, such as a specific response to anger or fear that is common to all humans on Earth.
Barrett’s research is groundbreaking, altering our understanding of emotions. They are not pre-programmed responses but the brain’s constructs, influenced by one’s environment, worldview, upbringing, and past experiences.
She introduces the concept of ‘concept’ — how we label things around us. Our emotional responses are determined by the context we find ourselves in.
Hence, Barrett emphasizes the significance of language about emotions. Mislabeling emotions can lead to inappropriate reactions. For instance, if you say you’re angry when you’re actually afraid, your response to the situation changes.
Believing you’re angry might trigger actions like yelling, leaving the room, or escalating in fury. In reality, if you’re responding to fear rather than anger, your reaction could have been entirely different. This distinction highlights the intricate connection between our perception of emotions and our reactions.
Why Do Negative Emotions Emerge
Daniel Kahneman describes the brain as having two systems: System 1, which is fast, irrational, instinctual, and impulsive, and System 2, which is slower, rational, and logical. These systems differ significantly.
Negative emotions typically arise from System 1, the instinctual part of the brain. This system is crucial for immediate responses to danger, such as reacting to an impending car accident. However, it often struggles to differentiate between actual danger and perceived threats. For example, you might feel intense anger over a minor issue, and only later, when System 2, the logical part of the brain, takes over, do you realize that anger was not an appropriate response to the situation.
Steve Peters presents a metaphorical analysis of the emotional part of the mind with the concept of the “chimp.” This metaphor describes the part of the mind that generates emotions. He explains how, in the past, humans lived in environments filled with physical dangers, like wild animals and harsh conditions.
The “chimp” within us was always alert to these dangers. However, in modern civilization, this chimp reacts not only to life-threatening situations but also to everyday social and personal challenges, often operating in a ‘fight-or-flight’ mode. This chimp is on autopilot, with pre-programmed reactions for different scenarios. Each person’s chimp is unique, and programmed differently, leading to varied reactions in similar situations.
These ideas align with Barrett’s perspective on emotion creation, supporting the notion that emotions are not universal but are shaped by individual experiences and perceptions.
Controlling Emotions is Not Possible, Managing Them is The Key
When we encounter ‘unwanted’ emotions like anxiety, fear, or guilt, our instinct is often to try to eliminate them quickly. However, this approach is not effective in dealing with your “chimp,” the emotional part of your brain.
To manage your emotions effectively, certain steps should be followed:
- Acknowledge and Accept: Recognize what you are feeling. Try to accurately label your emotions. Is it anger? Fear? Identify it clearly.
- Understand the Cause: Dive into the reasons behind your emotions. What triggered this feeling?
- Engage Your Logical Mind: Remind yourself how your rational, logical mind would handle the situation.
Each of these points warrants further explanation to provide a deeper understanding of how to manage emotions effectively, rather than attempting to control them, which is often pointless.
How acceptance can change you
Acknowledging and Accepting Your Emotions Does Not Equate to Approval
Acknowledging and accepting your emotions does not imply that you approve of them. It’s akin to telling yourself, “Okay, I understand that you’re [angry],” or sad, or whatever the emotion may be. This is a dialogue between your logical and emotional brains. It’s a calming technique, much like how you might approach a friend. When you tell them you ‘understand,’ it doesn’t mean you approve of their actions or feelings.
This approach is an art form in dealing with both yourself and others. Humans inherently seek validation for their feelings.
Trying to suppress or fight against emotions often leads to the emergence of more negative emotions, like rage. Therefore, accepting what you or someone else is feeling is a crucial first step in effectively managing your own ‘chimp’ or someone else’s.
It’s about recognizing the legitimacy of these emotions, which is essential for moving toward a more rational and composed response.
The 5 Whys Rule: Get to the root cause of negative emotions
This technique is a problem-solving method that involves asking “Why?” five times in succession to explore the cause-and-effect relationships underlying a particular problem.
The main idea is that by repeatedly asking why a problem occurs, you can dive deeper into its root cause, moving beyond superficial explanations and reaching a more fundamental understanding. This method is often used in business and manufacturing contexts but can be applied to various situations.
I love this rule. I find it mind-blowing. Every time I use it to understand something, almost anything, it works. You know why it works, because it forces you to dig deep into your blind spots, the darkness inside your mind, that you are too afraid to go into.
Let’s apply the “5 Whys” technique to an example of a scenario where someone is feeling consistently unhappy at work.
- Why am I feeling unhappy at work? — Because I find my daily tasks unfulfilling.
- Why do I find my daily tasks unfulfilling? — Because they don’t align with my personal interests or skills.
- Why don’t my tasks align with my interests or skills? — Because I took this job out of necessity, not because it was a good fit for me.
- Why did I take a job that wasn’t a good fit? — Because I felt pressure to secure employment quickly and didn’t explore other options that might align better with my passions.
- Why did I feel pressured to secure employment quickly? — Because I am anxious about financial stability and believe any job is better than no job.
In this example, by the fifth “Why,” the core issue is revealed to be anxiety about financial security, leading to hasty career choices. This deeper understanding can help the individual address their underlying fears about financial stability and encourage them to seek employment that aligns more closely with their interests and skills, potentially leading to greater job satisfaction.
Reprogramming your autopilot
Our brains, over the years, become programmed to react in specific ways to certain situations. These reactions are shaped by various factors, such as past experiences and upbringing.
However, these ingrained responses are not permanent. We are adaptable beings, capable of change, albeit with time and effort. One effective strategy is to train and reprogram your brain to respond differently in specific scenarios.
Here’s a quick personal story: My typical reaction to anger involved yelling, fury, and losing control. I consciously worked on reprogramming this automatic response. When I feel anger rising, I immediately acknowledge it internally, saying to myself, “I am angry.” This acknowledgment triggers pre-trained actions, like leaving the room immediately — a habit that took time to develop. Once out of the room, I change my body temperature by washing my face with cold water and drinking some. If possible, I change my posture or go for a walk. Within a few minutes, I find myself returning to a normal state, becoming more rational.
What’s happening here is a deliberate process. I allow my “chimp,” the emotional brain, to experience anger. I label my emotion accurately as “anger.” Then, I engage in programmed actions (like altering my posture and body temperature) to allow my “logical” brain to take control of the situation. This method exemplifies the power of recognizing and redirecting our emotional responses through conscious effort.
Staying True to Your Values is Vital
Peters emphasizes the importance of identifying your core values in life and adhering to them as a path to achieving contentment and peace. This concept resonates deeply with me, and I believe it holds much truth.
On a personal note, as a Muslim, I adhere to numerous Islamic values. I find that when I strive to live per these values, my life is filled with greater contentment. Conversely, when life’s distractions lead me astray from these values, I experience diminished peace, along with increased fear, stress, and anger.
It’s crucial to understand that living by your values is not a static endeavor. It’s a dynamic, ever-evolving process requiring continual reassessment and realignment.
The immediate step is to reflect deeply on what your life values are. Consider your current actions, especially those that contradict your values, and earnestly work towards ceasing such actions.
This is not a one-time exercise. Instead, it requires regular introspection and evaluation. Frequently review and judge your actions against your values, and adjust your behavior accordingly. This ongoing process is key to living a life aligned with your deeply held values.
Final Words
In conclusion, our journey through the landscape of emotions, guided by insights from esteemed psychologists and neuroscientists, reveals the intricate and profound nature of our emotional experiences.
We’ve explored how emotions are not fixed reactions but are, instead, dynamic creations of the brain, influenced by our environment, upbringing, and personal history.
We’ve dived into the dual nature of the brain with Kahneman’s two systems and Peters’ metaphor of the ‘chimp,’ uncovering how our instinctual responses can sometimes mislead us in the complexities of modern life. Recognizing and managing these responses, rather than attempting to suppress or control them, is key to emotional well-being.
The art of acknowledging and accepting emotions, as we’ve seen, does not equate to approval but is a critical step towards understanding and managing our inner ‘chimp.’ The ‘5 Whys’ technique further empowers us to unravel the deeper causes behind our emotional states, encouraging introspection and self-awareness.
Reprogramming our automatic responses, a process of conscious effort and retraining, enables us to align our reactions more closely with our rational understanding. This approach, combined with staying true to our core values, forms a foundation for a life of contentment, peace, and rational, compassionate interaction with ourselves and others.
Thus, as we navigate the flow of our emotions, the knowledge and strategies discussed here can serve as a compass, guiding us toward a more balanced, insightful, and fulfilling emotional existence.
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