How to Move From Stuck to Unstuck

7 steps to unstick yourself and write your way to the life you deserve

It was the 90's and crack cocaine was everywhere, even in our home; it’s what caused our brother to be put outdoors. Toni Morrison, In The Bluest Eye described outdoors as the real terror in life. On our block there were four crack houses, a weed spot, a hoe house, a number spot, abandoned buildings, and vacant lots — these conditions seemed perfectly normal at the time.

I never gave any thought to what my brother experienced on cold frigid nights, while I laid snuggled in our bunk bed. The allure of the streets captivated Micheal, and he’d soon get strung out on crack and almost lost his life to the streets.

Where would you go if you got stabbed in the chest?

You’d go home.

Michael came banging on the door one night, normally my siblings and I would ignore him because our father gave us strict orders not to let him inside. But tonight was different; he had a hole in his chest. It was a frantic scene in the hallway, my mother applied pressure to the wound, I prayed for him, I watched as the blood turned the white towel burgundy. The ambulance arrived, I’m not sure who called.

My brother’s story was not the often regurgitated drug dealer tale you hear in rap lyrics. I witnessed my brother recover from a traumatic near death experience, to move into a drug treatment facility in Harlem, get his GED, Bachelors, and Masters Degree. By all accounts his was a success story, he was able to “UNSTICK” himself and I was proud.

How did he manage to get UNSTUCK?

Getting unstuck is possible

“Good Morning, I am stuck. How did you turn your life around?” That’s the text message I received from my brother this morning, I was surprised — because I was in awe of the changes he made with his life and I was humbled that he reached out to his younger brother.

You see within the past ten years I went through my own transformation, my pride ego stubbornness and my inability to forgive led down a reckless path which landed me in the hospital. I went from leading sedentary lifestyle to running more fifteen marathons, sixteen half marathons and a hand full of 5k’s; along the journey I met some pretty amazing athletes and entrepreneurs-many of whom have been guest on my podcast.

Step one: define reality.

Have you ever been stuck in traffic during a snowstorm?

What’s the first thing you do after turning the radio off?

The temptation is to to keep pressing the gas, but that only makes matters worse. Sometimes your best bet is to take your foot off the pedal, put the car in reverse, turn the wheel and gentle move forward—if all else fails call for help.

Step two: reach out for assistance.

Can we normalize calling for help?

PUH-LEEZE…

Too many people needlessly suffer in silence because of pride, shame, guilt, or some other reason — It’s okay to stop and ask for help — you don’t have to go it alone.

Help can come in the form of speaking with a family member, friend, or a coach; In some instances you may need to seek professional assistance.

Step three: get an accountability partner or a coach

How many times have you set a New Years Resolution and your “Gung Ho” initially, then in a few weeks in its back to normally? Having an accountability partner or coach for 30 days may transform your new practice into a habit.

Liberation through self reflection

I had a chance to think about my brother’s question.

How did I turn my life around?

I’ll share what worked for me, its something I tried instinctively and unearthed through self-reflection. I learned later, Benjamin Franklin used a similar process to teach himself to how to write.

What started as random entries in my BlackBerry grew into me writing a song a week over a two year period. That’s how I wrote over 104 songs, it was an informal process. I never set a goal of writing 104 songs, I simply wanted to serve the running and endurance communities.

If you’re looking for a structured approach, you may find this acronym for WRITE helpful:

Step four: start a journal.

• W — What do you want to write about? Name it.
• R — Review or reflect on it — close your eyes, take deep breaths, and focus.
• I — Investigate your thoughts and feelings. Just start writing and keep writing.
• T — Time yourself — write for 5 to 15 minutes straight.
• E — Exit “smart” by re-reading what you’ve written and reflecting on it with one or two sentences (Adams, n.d.)

Pride can drive you toward success or off a cliff

Pride drove me off a cliff; I saw the danger, but continued going. Maybe I wanted it all to end, but it was only the beginning.

When they pulled me from the wreckage, I woke up in the hospital. I had some time to think about my life. The choices I made were inconsistent with my core values. I was isolated from my children and my family.

After being released from Woodhull Hospital, I moved in with my sister in Bridgeport, Connecticut until I found a job. All of my things were in storage; it was as if someone hit the reset button, and I was starting from the beginning of the game. I was putting up big numbers, but there was no one around me witness my stellar performance.

Step five: clearly state the problem if you can’t define the problem you don’t have one.

Doctors don’t create a treatment plan or prescribe medication without first diagnosing the problem. You have the solution to the problem in you, talking with someone can help bring the pressing issue to the surface. I’ve used mind mapping as a strategy to dump my concerns and frustrations out of my head and on to paper, it looks messy, but its a great way to visualize and then start organizing your thoughts on paper.

If you’re stuck right now, I know its frustrating, but embrace the temporary discomfort. Embrace the suck. Frustration serves as our emergency alert system, its natures way of getting our attention, much like our car’s instrument panel.

Writing therapy

When I moved downtown Bridgeport, after work I’d write notes to myself, and since they weren’t going to available for public consumption, I was able to be brutally honest. I wrote notes to my children, and I wrote letters to my ex-wife, letters written but never sent.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I was writing my way out of hell, nor did I recognize the therapeutic value in typing my thoughts into a phone.

Humility and heartbreak are common hallmarks of love songs.

Change is a process

I finally landed a job and started saving some money, I purchased a bike from Eastern Mountain Sports. It’s easy to get caught up in negative self talk. I was an assistant manager, 44 years old, riding a bike to work out of necessity because I didn’t have a car; employees half my age were driving to work. I knew how ridiculous I looked. It was a constant battle to defeat the my inner monologue.

Step six: be patient with yourself change is a process guard against negative self-talk.

I heard it all, “look at you, you look like Pee Wee Herman.”

Pride assumed the role of a fierce district attorney who presented a strong case to a jury of my peers who all looked like me. It didn’t take long for them to convict me and the judge, oddly enough, they looked like me too. The judge sentenced me to a life of solitary confinement. I didn’t stand a chance; it felt like a life sentence. The correctional officer shared an eerie resemblance to me too.

Was the game rigged?

Was this all part of some bad nightmare?

My only saving grace was the hour a day that was set aside for recreation, that’s where I discovered running.

Running Therapy

My sister, Yvonne started working with a personal trainer and ran a 5K; for two years, she’d send me emails about doing the Westport Running Series, and for two years, I put her off — I finally took her up on her offer.

Step seven: incorporate some form of movement into your daily routine.

Running saved my life, for so long, I had wrapped my value and self-worth into material things, and when I those things were stripped away, I was like Adam and Eve in the garden naked and ashamed. It gave me pause. I had to ask myself why?

Why was I alone?

Why did I place such a high premium on things?

Why did I cheat on my wife?

I was intimately familiar with the pain of heartbreak. Two old girlfriends, Lexus and Mercedes, cheated on me, and the girl I cheated on with my wife cheated on me. I don’t blame MissStress; I blame myself-I wasn’t trustworthy.

My past tormented for years now it was trying to holding my future hostage. I was stuck and didn’t know it, running and writing helped me take a serious look at my past judge it correctly and move on.

Final thoughts

Change takes time be kind to yourself, celebrate minor victories. Please understand that no self-help guru holds the key to your freedom; you already have what it takes to make the necessary changes, seek out an accountability partner, Facebook group or coach.

Recognizing you have a problem is an important first step, you’ve overcome challenges before and with focus, determination and commitment you’ll get through this obstacle.