How To Manage What Hurts Forever

and still be a force to be reckoned with ~ a survivor’s guide

This story respectfully assumes that the reader has no existing personality disorder or brain injury or is taking related medication.

(Disclaimer: The entire content of this story is based on my own life experience and viewpoint. I am not a counsellor or therapist and cannot be held responsible for any actions taken or conclusions drawn as a result of reading this article).

Clarification

For the purpose of this story, ‘what hurts forever’ is any emotional/spiritual pain that someone believes they won’t get over in their lifetime, either because it’s too profound or serious or life isn’t long enough to get over it.

With this in mind, below is a list of what may ‘hurt forever’ and some of the profound pains I am referring to and have experienced, in no particular order.

Human Pains

Emotional abuse. Long term deprivation. Child cruelty. Depression. Grief. Severe neglect. Living with a sociopath. Loneliness. No human support or love. Injustice. Rape. Ill health. Trauma. Isolation. Narcissistic abuse. Estrangement. Humiliation. Assault. Abandonment, etc.

The above list is to show how pain can exist; with many different faces and challenges and that I have a ton of experience dealing with it, and despite the above, I’m not a victim; I’m a human miracle — just like you.

Pain Is Rife

In addition to the above there are all kinds of difficult scenarios that bring new layers of pain to life at any time:, e.g. racism, divorce, natural disasters, etc. All of this shows that pain is rife and can have a major impact on us. It is also very easy to bring about — much easier than love or support in the ordinary course of living.

Pain is Powerful

If we have a lot of pain, we need to learn to accept and manage it on a regular basis. We have to respect the enormity of it too rather than pretending it isn’t there or it will disappear on its own or we can push ourselves through it for expediency.

• ‘Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it’ — (J.K. Rowling)

Very few deep wounds disappear altogether but that doesn’t mean life is ruined or we can never be hopeful again. Sometimes pain takes a back seat miles away when we are immersed in meaningful and inspiring projects. (More on that later).

Neglecting Pain Makes it Worse

In my experience, when people refuse to manage their pain or feel they shouldn’t have to deal with it, some people become bitter, spiteful or callous, misguidedly believing they were born unlucky so they lash out and want to see pain in other people too. So far, I haven’t met one bitter person that later on in life became ‘un-bitter’.

• ‘If you don’t manage your pain it will be your master’ — (A.Z.)

Alternatively, if we decide we are worthy of the best care and manage our pain responsibly, seeking help when we need it, this stops a large part of life being swallowed by misery. There is so much more to life than pain, but what we resist persists.

How Adults Can Manage Emotional Pain

To manage pain, you don’t need to fear it, but you do have to look it in the eye and be interested in finding the truth of why your pain feels so bad for you and, if you can, say it out loud in private, or tell it to the dog or write down the details. (I find that saying it out loud works best, but everyone is different).

Whilst doing this, hold nothing back. Don’t worry if what you say is irrational, stupid, shocking or immoral, just let it be and take your time.

Facing It

The more you try to face your pain and treat it like it’s a living thing that wants to help you, the more competent you become at managing it.

I have found this to be an effective way of lessening pain’s intensity and the fear of overwhelm as it taps into your courage and lets you see pain for what it really is: — A feeling that exists to help you know yourself and see where you’re at emotionally. Pain is not your enemy, it just needs to be expressed and respected.

• ‘We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey’ — (Kenji Miyazawa)

Most people, understandably, are really scared of pain and feeling out of control. However, pain and its supporting crew — fear, anger and sadness do not harm or weaken us and there is no shame in having difficult or strong feelings. It takes courage and patience to help yourself and the pain we hide keeps us feeling weak and alone.

How to deal with Distress

When something or someone triggers my distress and I can feel it coming towards me, I manage it by leaning into it like a friend, with trust, and by being open and curious about what it wants to tell me.

I ask it: ‘What do you want me to know?’ then I listen and wait for what my brain comes up with for an answer. Whatever that is or isn’t, I respect and don’t judge it. Also, pain is no shrinking violet and sometimes it just wants to cry out big-time, so let it.

Once I’ve listened to the distress and it starts to subside, I decide on a place where the pain can be free to express itself within ‘creative art’. (More on that below).

I also like to follow up with these questions:- How will I show care and support for myself today? What will I do today that makes tomorrow seem easier?

The only rule is, I must give a response and try to act on it. This encourages positive focus and, as long as the answers are kind and try to lift me in some small way, that’s progress.

Turn Your Pain Into Creative Art

You may already know about the link between art and pain but I can tell you that creating original art is a great way to let your pain express itself and lessen its grip on your life.

Some of the best art is produced through pain — Not that I think pain is something to aspire to, but every cloud has a silver lining!

• ‘Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain’ — (Bob Dylan)

Here are some of the arts that help with channelling and releasing pain:-Playing musical instruments — piano, keyboards, guitars, drums, violin. Songwriting, singing, pencil drawings, painting, writing poetry or fiction. Any kind of dancing. Making short emotive films that express a kind of pain. The more you put your real self into the artwork, the more satisfying it is.

Even if you’ve never done anything arty before, you don’t need special skills to be creative, you just need imagination and an open mind.

Creativity makes people feel productive, immersed and uniquely rewarded and sometimes you end up with a great piece of art and find you really enjoy the process.

Use All Your Pain

It’s worth noting that you can use all your pain through art and other forms of self-expression:-

Physical exercise is a great way to relieve emotional pain or tension, e.g. rebounding, running, jogging, stretching, cycling, walking etc. The more you move your body, the more positive, balanced and calmer you feel. If you have any physical health problems, please consult a doctor before starting a new activity.

• Tip: Have you noticed how the most cheerful people are often the ones that move the most?

Pain is Alive and Mobile

In my experience, emotional pain is alive with energy and needs to find a focus, so the more fitting places it can be channelled to, the easier it becomes to manage in everyday life.

• ‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option’ — (Bob Marley)

Once you start channelling (managing) the pain and it has a purpose and somewhere to be, you’ll find it becomes quieter, cooler and calmer and the more positive parts of your personality start showing up for a turn in the limelight — your mind. This helps to balance the way you feel.

To me, this is part of pain management and obviously a welcome relief to anyone who has a lot of grief to express.

You may have also noticed that emotional pain is mobile to the extent that wherever you go it follows you until you actively ‘manage it’ and channel it into something else.

The Importance of Self Love in Dark Times

I believe, if you can love all parts of yourself, even the deeply distressed parts, without judgement, this gives you an inner strength and self-respect born of your own kindness and willingness to care. Pain also makes some people more compassionate and kind if they are able to deal with truth and responsibility.

• ‘Turn your wounds into wisdom’ — (Oprah Winfrey)

Beliefs About Life and People

Pain doesn’t make us victims of life but people think of themselves as victims if they believe, ‘life/he/she/they/God did this to me’.

Even when someone else really is to blame for your pain (as in child abuse), it doesn’t mean you have to make things worse by condemning someone at every opportunity and living in the past.

You can help and free yourself by deciding to forgive all despicable things that happen to you and not let any abuser into your life again; it doesn’t matter who it is. Self-love and respect is everything and no one else can do it for you.

• ‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong’. — (Mahatma Gandhi)

Being adults, we are responsible for all our actions and reactions and we can choose not to react to provocation. Let nobody pull your strings!

• ‘Fear is a reaction, courage is a decision’ — (Winston Churchill)

Bring Kindness to Pain

From all the horrendous things I have experienced, I believe kindness, in the fullest sense, is the most important, therapeutic and memorable human quality. When you come from a place of cruelty and not a scrap of kindness or love for years on end, you really feel how cold and painful the world can be.

If you won’t be kind to yourself and others in a consistent way:-

• What sort of message and vibe are you sending to yourself and the world?
• Could you make yourself or anyone else feel happy or inspired if you were everything but not kind?

This is why we need to be kind and care for ourselves completely, including all our pain. No one else is responsible for our inner life and feelings if we are fully-functioning adults.

Need More Help?

If you need more help, please reach out to a professional therapist, support group or someone you can trust; it’s the kindest thing to do and you’re worth the effort, but when you’re in pain you can’t always see it.

• ‘Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage’ — (Anais Nin)

As long as you get to where you want to be emotionally and feel you can manage your pain, that is a result of your care and effort and something to be proud of.

If you have any questions or feel I may be able to help you further, please feel free to contact me on my website: www.solaceforthesensitive.com ~ I will be glad to help.

Thanks so much for reading!

© America Zed. Other Stories/Poetry by America Zed.