How To Manage the Fear of the Unknown
Living in the question can be a curse and an opportunity. Here’s how to make the most of this time
This article furthers the discussion about how to manage ourselves and our loved ones through tumultuous times.
When faced with seemingly endless hours each day if you’re in lockdown or dealing with a major loss (or both), a typical Westerner might go mildly batty. At least, in good times. Which is why even on vacation, so many of us drag the office kicking and screaming to the sugar-sand beach. There we find ourselves just as deeply immersed in office politics, if not more so, out of the terrific Fear of Missing Out.
That fear is now exacerbated by Fear of What the Fuck is Going On, or put more bluntly, are any of us going to even have (work, a marriage, a home, a life) when our Conditions evolve into the New Normal, or N2?
This is what it’s like to Live in the Question.
Kindly, this a nod to a reality that many of us have entered, and may not even know they’ve entered: The Neutral Zone.
William Bridges described three phases of Transition, which is the emotional response to Change, which is what happens to us. The description of the process as well as the first phase, which most of us blindly skip (because it really is hard work) are in previous pieces. I don’t assume you read these articles, so here is the background:
This is the overview:
Here are the two that deal with how to process through phase One, Endings, which is absolutely essential for our emotional health:
Even though it doesn’t feel like it, what you feel, your emotions, all of them, are predictable, normal, and you are in excellent company. That would be, well, in one way or another, all of us.
Many of us are still in utter denial: the irritable, impatient old ladies who insist on cutting in front of me in the six feet apart space at my local Safeway during oldies hours. The scientist friend who went hiking with a buddy and can’t recall if they touched. The hikers and bikers whose social distancing is six inches rather than six feet. The thousands who insist that their religious beliefs will protect them as they gather in huge churches.
Not much you can do with denial, other than arrest, detain, fine or just stay out of their way. However in these conditions, denial can be and is proving to be deadly. Which is why learning to deal with reality is critical not only to your survival right now but also when we have an N2.
Others are still in shock. Each new wave of information and news can create new endings. Terrible new losses. Imagine healthcare workers who deal with constant, daily death, which speaks to them of failure no matter what they do. Which is why a process by which we can learn to manage those intense, terrible feelings is so essential.
Those who have already properly processes their losses and are moving on, usually find themselves in a No Man’s Land.
Please note: If you have not properly, respectfully and fully processed your endings and losses, you will carry them like boulders in your backpack going forward. If you and I want to have the best chance in whatever N2 looks like, we would be wise to feel, embrace and process our grief. Unprocessed grief can turn to rage, and rage can become depression. Most of us never take this first step, and hurry like racehorses into moving on. It doesn’t work very well. Please consider doing the Endings and Losses work. It might not feel this way, but it gets easier, if for no other reason than you don’t feel so utterly helpless.
Even though it doesn’t feel like it, what you feel, your emotions, all of them, are predictable and normal. You are in excellent company. That would be, well, all of us.
This piece is intended to give you perspective, a touch of sanity, a sense of control, and if nothing else, a bit of humor about what we see around us. Sometimes that is all it takes to help us take a deep breath and keep right on going, for ourselves and those we love.
From the first article, this is the second phase of Transition:
The Neutral Zone: A period of unknown duration, during which we have to manage without a lot of givens. Familiar signposts are gone. I liken it to having let go of one trapeze, and hanging in midair waiting for the incoming bar to slap your right hand. You don’t how long you will hang, whether or not you have a net below you, and whether or not that bar is ever going to connect with your palm. Many of you can relate.
Each ending creates a Neutral Zone, a sometimes terrifying place of aimlessness, cluelessness, terror for those who need structure and safety, and the possibility of depression and anxiety.
In an article I wrote about Understanding People Under Stress, here are the different ways you might find yourself responding to being forced to live in the Not Knowing, or the seemingly endless Neutral Zone.
If you have not properly processed your endings and losses, you are likely to carry them like boulders in your backpack going forward. It truly helps to feel, embrace and process our grief. Unprocessed grief can turn to rage, and rage can become depression.
This is a slightly reworded piece from the above article to make it more relevant to this one:
When the risk-avoiding introvert, detail person (Owl) who dots the Is and crosses the Ts enters the Neutral Zone, they start engaging in avoidance behavior.
The in-charge, goal-oriented get-it-done type (Lion)becomes autocratic, bossy and demanding when things go sideways, south or stop altogether.
The friendly, crowd-pleasing, high-energy type (Monkey) starts engaging in personal attacks when they can’t get enough attention.
When the normally calm, collaborative team person (Horse) gets into the scary Neutral zone, they become appeasers, trying to hard to ensure that everyone else is all right so that they are all right. They can become suffocating.
The above is just the first level of stress. It can get worse, as the article explains (the article includes strategies for how to deal with those behaviors).
We are seeing these behaviors all over Medium, from writers who have flat out disappeared, to those angry about Pollyanna articles, to those pushing hard for others to be productive, to those engaging in wholly-understandable but monumentally unhelpful attacks on writers whose way of being isn’t like theirs, and whose coping techniques they find offensive. They are all symptomatic of our preferred styles, how we respond to stress. Nobody is wrong, either. It’s just how we tend to deal with our situations.
Risk tolerance: and how it relates to our current Conditions
Two of these types, the Owl and Horse, are highly risk-averse. They need order, predictability, stability, and a sense of safety. These two types don’t typically fare well in the Neutral Zone.
The other two, the Lion and the Monkey, thrive on risk. For them, the Neutral Zone can be a time of incredible creativity and expansion. If anything, they push a little too hard when the rules get relaxed or disappear entirely.
There’s good and bad about both, particularly if you’re married to your opposite style (tell me about it please). The need for safety and predictability can cause some to shut down, hide away and experience anxiety while others can become utterly untethered to the point of endangering themselves.
However, Owls and Horses might be terrified, but they are the ones who can be counted upon to create the daily and very necessary interim scaffolding (see below) which puts order, outcomes, and sanity into each day and week. If anything they are deeply grateful for the opportunity to use these skills and be valuable.
The love of the emotional tightrope by Lions and Monkeys can irritate, annoy and terrify others who are in shutdown. However, they are the ones who focus on the possibilities, what opportunities exist for improving the status quo, and what endless boundaries now exist to make things better. These two are also grateful when what they see, what they offer can provide much-needed positive energy, hope and light when conditions seem insurmountable.
All are right. All are necessary. All need each other. Understanding our behaviors also goes a long way towards not judging or attacking each other’s natural, predictable response to the current conditions, and that would absolutely include how we treat each other online and on Medium.
Now that we’ve set the stage: Coping strategies.
Here’s what you can do during the Neutral Zone, from the first article above, adapted to take into account the information about our styles. Those additional comments are added in bold:
Create interim scaffolding. This time, by definition, is full of uncertainty. Again, about half of us (Owls and Horses) find this period deeply disturbing, for we want some kind of plan. Assurances. Safety. Others, about half (Lions and Monkeys) thrive in this kind of environment. Each style has vastly different needs. While you and I are in The Neutral Zone, we all need some kind of regular structures and goals. This is best done by Owls and Horses, who are excellent at creating normalcy. Whether this is finding ways to manage the kids and their ongoing education, or keeping ourselves busy making masks, makes no difference.
Establishing some kind of regular schedule allows people who need predictability in their lives to find calm. Feel safer in knowing what to expect. Meals at a certain time. Play times, dog walking. Time to read, research. You can even plan for half an hour of panic (no I’m not making this up). ALLOW yourself permission to get the feelings out, and openly worry. Put a timer on it, and then move on. Those who thrive in uncertainty might want to be mindful if they are married- as we almost always do-to their opposite. What is fun for you waiting for that trapeze is crazy-making for others. Your role, you Lions and Monkeys, is to find ways to keep people on track, keep them uplifted without being annoying about it, keep things fun. Capture your ideas. Find ways to establish communities online. Above all, if you are more than one to a house, please respect that their transition process is not your transition process. Both are unique, sacred, and there is no right or wrong.
Network network network. If this were anything other than a pandemic I would be advising you to get out and be with people. We can’t. So: Facebook, LinkedIn, Medium, Twitter. Pick your communities. Owls may have a very hard time with engaging, while Horses are likely to be consumed with connecting, supporting and engaging to the point of genuine overwhelm. Owls often need to feel their advice is important, so ask them for guidance on problem-solving. Owls will stick to a task until it is done right. You’ve never seen such dedication. The focus is soothing. Horses need assurance that everyone is safe and they’re taking care of people the right way. They hate to be alone, and can suffer, like Monkeys, in solo isolation.
Lions will likely do their own thing without telling (or warning) much of anyone, often creating messes for others to clean up. Their powerful energy can get destructive, so they need outlets. Monkeys, if isolated alone, can go mad with lack of attention, and can become an emotional vampire for anyone around them. They can get angry with others if they perceive their attention needs aren’t being met. So these two extroverts would be well advised to find positive channels for their intense energy by volunteering, where they can get the accolades and interaction they crave (and offer relief) to their partners. Their energy easily gets consumed in goals, and they both need acknowledgment for a job well done. Especially Monkeys. Or, if you have the supplies, remind them that the deck still needs to be built. Problem solved.
Please, DO NOT succumb stoop to passing along wild and unsubstantiated information, no matter how tempting that might be. In times of great fear, there are people who thrive on this kind of evil behavior, capitalize on the natural tendency to listen to the loudest voice. This is how lynch mobs are formed, how people die, how societies unravel at the edges.
Fake cures, dangerous advice and damaging rumors propagate among those who are not well-equipped to handle this kind of stress. While it’s understandable, in cases like this, it’s unforgivable because of the potential cost to human life. More than ever, connect with those you can trust to soothe you, keep you tethered to reality and facts, and who would never stoop to suggesting Aunt Mary’s Miracle Mushroom Cure the moment you get a fever.
Allow for flux. Expect it. With the world affected, you and I and our families are at the mercy of many factors. Being willing and open to bring in new information, learn to deal with near-daily losses are parts of the skill set you’re building. Trust that first, you are hardly alone, and second, that others like you are just as concerned and scared. Knowing this, one of the best strategies is reaching out to others and finding ways to help out. Research what’s going on locally first, then see if your help is needed. The two people-focused styles, Horses and Monkeys, are great at this. Your Lion is the organizer and the one to keep people on point. Nothing reduces stress for proactive people faster than to be useful. When you are busy volunteering, you spend far less time worrying. Time passes faster, you feel good, and others are always grateful. Volunteering helps you cope with flux. Owls are your detail people behind the scenes keeping track of metrics, and all the Horses are making sure that everyone has a face mask in precisely the color pattern they want.
Stay engaged, active and involved. It is natural and human to want to crawl into a cave and hide. That’s victim behavior (although it is entirely appropriate and often necessary at times during Endings, let’s please differentiate) However, given the conditions of this pandemic, what that does NOT mean is to high five folks on the street, head to the gym and connect (that would be you, Lions and Monkeys). It does mean to keep your finger on the pulses of those you love (that would be you, Horses), stay engaged, but stay safe. Thinking that you’re all alone in this (that would be you Owls) is not only a lie, but there are plenty whose situations are far worse off. Perspective is precious.
Take advantage of the time given to you. While this doesn’t mean skip the mourning part, it does mean that you and I may well have time to think, meditate, rest, exercise, take on new projects, finish books, or try a great many things that our previous lives didn’t allow for. Time to get to know our kids. Time to work things out with a partner or spouse or a friend where there were issues. That doesn’t mean a broken marriage can be saved. But the time to talk might well offer new perspectives, grace, and forgiveness where hot emotions left no room. And it may not. The point is, as Gandalf advised, while none of us wished to see such times. all we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us. Again, do NOT leap into all those things without listing and mourning Endings and Losses first. What you choose to do with your time in many ways depends on your preferred style.
As long as you and I are not making others pay for our stress, or wrong for being who they are the way they process grief, we’re doing fine. As crazy as it may seem, we are all doing precisely what we are naturally designed to do. The trick is to manage what gets toxic, forgive what is different, and redirect the energies we have to help ourselves and others move through Living in the Question.
You have no idea how much stronger you can be until you try.
My heartfelt thanks to fellow speaker and trainer extraordinaire Christie Ward, CSP (she’s earned it) for her input on Styles Under Stress.
