How to Make Your Sexless Marriage Hot Again

Try this before considering a divorce

I’ve never considered divorcing my husband, but I did worry that he might divorce me.

Our relationship started hot and heavy. After getting to know each other online, we met in person and quickly discovered that we were extremely sexually compatible.

Sex and sexual exploration became a huge part of our relationship.

I used to joke that we had already tried everything in our first two years that we had no way left to spice up our sex life.

That joke stopped being funny soon after.

My sex drive had become weak. It didn’t happen overnight, but it was fast.

At first, I thought we were just getting settled. We can’t fuck like rabbits forever, can we?

But when things got too settled, I realized something deeper was going on. I just couldn’t figure out what.

We were barely having sex anymore, but our relationship still felt strong. We were intimate with each other in every other way. We bonded really well and were really close.

We even got married even though we were barely having sex anymore. On our wedding night, he helped me out of my dress and I went to sleep in my underwear and knee-high rainbow socks.

We didn’t have sex on our honeymoon, either.

A marriage is considered sexless if the couple has sex 10 times or less a year. So, I guess mine started off sexless.

And that’s why I worried about divorce. Not because we were at each other’s throats. Not because I was bored of him. Not because we weren’t getting most of our emotional needs met.

I worried because I didn’t know how long he could put up with this.

He loved me, but his sex drive was still extremely high. Maybe he could deal with not having that need met for a year. But could he do it for five? Would he leave me after ten?

Would he want to divorce me as soon as he met someone half-decent who was down to fuck?

Thankfully, he didn’t divorce me. He claims it never crossed his mind, no matter how horny and pent up he might have been. And he stuck around long enough for us to get through our drought. After ten years of having sex less than once a month, the passion is back and it’s back big time.

One of the problems, it turns out, was an undiagnosed chronic health condition. I had hormonal deficiencies that explain why I lost my libido and struggled to get it back.

Hormone replacement therapy helped a lot. But I’ve also realized it wasn’t just the hormones keeping me from having sex. We could’ve been more physical and pulled ourselves out of sexlessness a lot sooner if we had just taken the right approach.

For a long time, we both wanted sex. We were just approaching it the wrong way.

Why We Couldn’t Reignite the Flame

When I think back to those years, one of the most frustrating things about it is how often we made things worse by trying to make them better.

The Sex Wasn’t Great

First, there was the way we were having sex.

Because I was almost never in the mood, my husband treated my arousal as something fragile. He made sure to keep sex basic so he wouldn’t do anything to turn me off.

That backfired because it didn’t do anything to turn me on, either.

Sex was so predictable, it was like an X-rated version of Groundhog’s Day. I’m not exaggerating when I say I could time every part of it down to the minute. It felt like we were replaying the same night each time instead of just doing whatever felt right.

Sex should make us feel desired, playing it safe just made it feel mechanical. It felt like it was more about him wanting sex than it was about him wanting me.

And it was way too quick. Whenever I did get aroused, I would tend to lose it soon after. Being horny in the afternoon was in no way a guarantee that I’d want to have sex in the evening. So, whenever he got me horny enough for sex, it was kind of rushed, like he was trying to get to it before the little lady lost her mojo.

Hard to keep that mojo, though. There was kissing, clit rubbing, and pussy eating, but none of it lasted long enough.

I struggled to keep my interest in sex because it just wasn’t worth it. The way we were doing it, there just wasn’t enough of a payoff at the end of all that work.

The Lifehacks Were Crap

Then there were the sexless marriage lifehacks.

We tried scheduling sex, but that was a total failure. Having sex on the calendar didn’t put me in the mood for it. And trying to have sex when I wasn’t in the mood for it felt a little rapey to me. The idea was to just start and then I’d get into it, but instead it just felt like I was allowing myself to be used.

We tried watching porn. That was better. A lot less rapey. But it didn’t work, either.

When your libido is at a zero, porn can still be entertaining but that doesn’t make it arousing. So, I’d watch it. I’d enjoy it because, hey, it’s watching people fuck, but it didn’t raise my pulse. When it was done, the only thing I wanted to do was brush my teeth and go to bed.

Our Communication Was Even Worse

So, the lifehacks were a fail. That left us with good old fashioned communication.

We sucked at that, too.

We were both having a lot of strong, difficult feelings about our barely-there sex life.

I felt broken. I felt tremendous guilt because I tied my husband down and then doomed him to a sexless life. I felt scared because I didn’t want to lose him but I was sure I would.

He felt insecure. He took my loss of desire to be a loss of desire for him. The constant rejection wore him down. He felt unattractive and unloved. And he was scared, too — was my losing interest in sex just the first step in realizing I had lost interest in him?

When we did talk about it, there was a lot of defensiveness and accusations.

My husband would bottle up his feelings until they came out in snippy, hurtful comments. All those did was make my guilt worse.

On my end, I’d say some stuff that was less than productive. I’d speculate out loud that maybe his sex drive was the real problem, that wanting me to still have sex regularly was a lot to ask for this late in our relationship.

When the subject came up, I’d feel bad and I’d resent him for bringing up sex again. I’d make passive aggressive comments and go cold on him.

At our low points, we’d get into arguments and fling accusations at each other.

None of it made either of us feel particularly sexy.

Couples are supposed to solve their issues through communication. But it was getting us nowhere. All it did was make me feel completely hopeless.

How We Turned Up the Heat

Our sexless marriage was rough on both of us and we wanted out of it. We just couldn’t find the exit.

It’s not like we weren’t trying. We were both putting in some effort to fix the issue. But we weren’t using the right solutions, so the more we worked on it, the worse it got.

I was wrong about it being hopeless, though. After ten long, sexless years, we started having sex more regularly. Occasionally at first, and pretty damn often now.

And it’s satisfying, too. Instead of just having sex for the sake of having sex, we’re using it to connect and deepen our intimacy (and, yeah, to get off, too).

Here’s what we did to turn things around, and what we should’ve done years ago instead of wasting time with all the dead ends we tried.

Schedule Fun, Not Sex

Scheduling sex was a total and complete fail. What we should’ve done instead is schedule the things that lead to sex.

When I struggled with my libido, I hated anything that I felt created any kind of sexpectations. If I agreed to scheduled sex, then I’d feel pressured into having it, which would take me out of the mood.

It was the same with just about anything else that signaled sex. I stopped flirting with my husband because I worried that he would get too excited about getting laid and I’d just have to disappoint him that evening. I rarely talked to him about sex because I was worried he’d get ideas.

I even turned down back rubs because I knew he hoped they would turn me on.

Taking away the sexpectations made a huge difference. When my husband was explicit about the fact that he wasn’t expecting sex, that I didn’t have to do anything if I wasn’t comfortable, and that we could do slightly sexy stuff even if it didn’t go anywhere, it was a much-needed relief.

Without all the pressure to have sex, we could make plans to do the things that could lead to it and I could just relax and enjoy myself.

We would plan for Mr. Austin to give me long massages. We’d schedule little date nights (usually dinner and a movie after the kids were in bed). We’d do long cuddle sessions. Sometimes, we’d just get drunk and see what happens.

And, lo and behold, we had more sex because we were doing all the things that helped me get in the mood for it.

Don’t Initiate Before They’re Receptive

Along the same lines, it’s better to be careful about when the partner with the higher sex drive, or the one who still wants sex, tries to initiate.

When you’re pent up and sexually frustrated, it’s easy to jump at every shred of a chance you might get to sleep with your spouse. If they’re being a little sweeter than usual, if you guys are having a more intimate night, or if you’ve had a couples of glasses of wine, you go for it because if you miss your shot now, you might not get another for a while.

That’s where we were for a while. My husband would initiate regularly and I had to turn him down almost every time.

We both ended up feeling bad.

When he’d try, I’d often feel annoyed — I wasn’t even close to horny and now he’s bothering for me sex. It also put me in an awkward place because I had to reject him yet again. And I often felt like he ruined a perfectly good night by trying to make it about sex.

And being turned down constantly didn’t feel good for him, either. It was rough on his self-esteem, and he could feel the tension and awkwardness in the room, too.

Instead of shooting your shot as soon as there’s an opportunity, it’s much better to wait until you have a clear sign that you have a good chance of getting somewhere.

That helped change the dynamic for us. My husband only initiates when I’m giving him some sign that I’m receptive to his advances. And if he’s not sure, he tries to connect with me first. We hang out, we talk, we cuddle, and it gives him a sense of how whether I’m up for it.

I still have to turn him down sometimes — even when I think I want sex, I don’t always manage to get in the mood. But because it’s only occasional and only happens when I was in the right kind of mood, neither of us feel bad when it only leads to more cuddles.

Work as a Team

We communicated a lot, but whenever we talked about sex, we’d get antagonistic. We both tried to defer responsibility to the other.

We both saw our sexless marriage as a joint problem, but still thought it was mostly the other one’s responsibility to fix it.

We didn’t make any serious progress in our sex life until we treated it like a problem we were working on together.

That was a simple perspective shift, but it was essential. Instead of trying to figure out who’s fault it was and trying to pin the blame on each other, we made an effort to understand each other and come up with a plan we could both feel comfortable with (including no sexpectations, no giving up completely, and definitely no scheduled anything).

Once we did that, we could approach each other with complete openness and sympathy. Our conversations about sex focused on suggestions instead of complaints. We took a more positive attitude.

One-sided fixes made us resentful toward each other. Joint solutions made us feel closer, even when they didn’t work.

Try Having Sex Differently

One of our mistakes was trying to have more sex instead of finding a way to make sex more exciting.

We didn’t try using lots of sex toys and lube.

It didn’t occur to us to explore power play at all, even though that’s a dynamic that’s been working extremely well for us since.

We didn’t think of doing mutual masturbation as a way to get us excited about each other’s pleasure.

It’s too bad, because I think we could’ve got somewhere a little better (and got there a lot sooner) if we didn’t have such bland, routine sex. It might not have fixed everything, but trying things like pussy massages or only giving each other manual sex for an entire night might’ve been enough to make sex more appealing.

Try the Right Approach

These solutions won’t work for everyone. We were in a situation where we weren’t having sex, but neither of us were happy with it.

A big part of the problem is that we couldn’t connect and lay the groundwork for more arousal. But in some sexless marriages, the problems run a little deeper. There could be medical issues. Depression or medication could kill one partner’s libido. Your partner might have come to accept that they’re asexual or just not interested in sex at all. In those cases, more massages and teamwork won’t get you back in the sack, but it might still help keep your marriage strong.

But if you decide your marriage just lost the heat and needs to get it back, make sure you’re working together, focusing on pleasure, and building intimacy. Otherwise, the solutions you try could just drive you further apart.

So, take the right approach, get closer, and heat things up. The worst that could happen is you have fun and enjoy each other’s company. That’s not sex, but it’s still pretty damn good.

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