How To Love Me Right After a Hard Day’s Work
A Letter to my Love
My dearest Borboleta,
I know you love and care for me, and that everything you do, you do not because you want to hurt me, but because you love me. And I appreciate your love, I do.
I know the reason you want to get into the details of how my day went every time is that you care and because you want to talk and just have a pleasant conversation with me. That’s beautiful too.
But there are a couple of things you should know about me that will help me respond positively to your love and care. If you don’t know these things, what you’re doing out of love may end up hurting me and our relationship.
I care about our relationship; I want it to be heaven on earth, and that is more reason I think you should know these things.
My love, I want you to open that loving heart of yours while you read this. I need you to read to learn and to practice.
Some days are beautiful for me, and some days are not. And in the not-so-good days, I may have been hurt in one way or another out there.
There are so many ways men get beaten. The most painful ones are not physical, they are psychological.
And when I am beaten like that, there’s a tendency for me to be in a reflective mood, a tendency to hibernate, a tendency to crawl into my shell and to build walls.
The walls built up will make it hard for you to get through to me on such days. But you can bring every wall down if you have the right information. And that right information is what I’m giving here to the best of my knowledge.
Because no matter how psychologically beaten I am, if you’re well informed, you could nurse me back to my state of awesomeness. I want that.
In those bad days, I naturally want to hide my experience, keep it all to myself and not burden you with the details of my day.
At such times, no matter how hard you try to reach out, you may not get through because of the walls that my unwillingness to share about my bad day’s experience has built.
Now, the things you do at such times could either make that wall thicker and higher or thinner and lower.
Here are some suggestions that will help you get through that wall. This is how to love me at such times.
#1. Before you seek words from my mouth, put something into it.
I know you want to know how my day went; you want to have me talking; you want all the details.
Well, nothing’s wrong with that. But at that point, I probably don’t want to talk, or can’t talk as I may not be well coordinated to articulate anything meaningful.
But here’s what you can do to help:
Offer me something.
It could be a cup of coffee or tea, a glass of water, or wine. I may not want it but insist in that cute way of yours that I have it. And I probably will.
If there’s food and I care for it, offer to spoon-feed me. Again, I may decline your offer but insist sweetly.
When I’m having that drink or food, stare at me with a smile from the soul, a smile that says “I love you, I love you, I love you, and no matter what. I’m here for you.”
Serve me that drink or plate like you would a baby or a toddler. Let your smile tell me I can trust you and that it’s okay to be vulnerable to you if I wanted.
#2. Before you ask for that talk, offer to entertain me
You probably want me to do the talking, but how about you doing the talking? When you suspect that it may have been a bad day for me, please do all the talking and anything else that can cheer me up.
It’s also possible I may not have the strength or focus to listen to you at that point, so give options of possible entertainment.
When I want to bathe, offer to bathe me like a baby; if I want to eat, feed me; ask if I’d like to see a show or movie; massage me, dance for me with my suit on, tell me stories, do something… I’m sure you can think of more entertaining options :)
Softly and sweetly insist or give the other options you can think of.
Using your discretion, start something randomly. Or ask if it’s what I want. But don’t give up easily too if I decline any. Remember, I’m just hurting and need some healing.
Whatever you do, do it all with a smile on your face that says “I’m all yours, I’m at your service, your wish is my command because I love you.”
If I just want to sleep, then retire to the bed with me and cuddle me up.
Please don’t insist that I eat or talk, and don’t be mad if I don’t. I’d probably feel much better in the morning, ready to talk and ready to eat whatever you present.
#3. Be ready to love me just as you were ready to talk
Coming home after a hard day’s work, all I want maybe sex — not food, not talk, not entertainment — just sex. I may want it, but I may not go for it or even show it.
So how about giving me a tight and warm hug, a hug that makes me feel not just your body, but your soul… Yes, put your soul into that hug, and whisper sweet words into my ear. (I love it when you do those whispers, telling me sweet things)
The little beaten me inside the wall I’ve built needs to hear those words and see your kind gestures. It will empower me. It will make me rise, making the walls shrink lower. The higher I rise, the more the walls crumble.
Be subtly or crudely flirty and be ready to offer me some sexual pleasure if I yield to your advances. Your goal should not be to have me share what’s wrong or what had happened. Your goal should be to make me feel and know that I’m home, and that home is a safe place, a healing place, a loving place.
My Love, these are the things I think you should know, and I believe they will help you, me, and our relationship.
No matter how annoying I may get, I am just a baby deep inside, and if you reach for me like you’re reaching for a baby, the ‘me’ you want to see and need will eventually emerge.
And here’s the sweet part.
Over time, you won’t always have to do all these things, it’ll become automatic. On good days and bad days, I’d be excited to come home to you. You become home and home becomes you.
You literally become home to me, and home (you) will be what I’ll crave wherever I am. The house (and even my life) becomes incomplete without you. That’s where I want is to get.
And over time, I won’t be coming home with walls built up. I may be beaten, but I’d be coming home ready to share, ready to weep, and ready to be loved. There’d be no secrets, you’ll know everything you need to know, and you’d be able to help better because you know.
All I’ve been getting so far are the opposites of what I’m sharing in this letter. And if it continues that way, there’d be walls, and the walls will become thicker and higher, you’d never really get to know me, and I, you. We’d never really be able to trust each other completely or be completely vulnerable to each other. There’d be secrets, grudges, misunderstandings, and our love won’t be red hot as we both want it to be.
Passionate love is what I want for us. And I’m sure that’s also what you want. I hope you have read with an open heart, ready to learn and ready to implement.
Did I mention that mastering these things will also help us become the best parents to our children because there’d be days when they too would come home in pain, emotionally or psychologically beaten?
Anyway, until the kids come, I am your baby and you are mine. Love me like one, that’s how to love me right.
With love,
Your Borboleta.
