How to Live Like You Are Dancing
Lessons from ‘The Courage to be Disliked’
- Did you want to live in a way that is vibrant and free-spirited since forever?
- Then, as you navigated through life, you encountered challenges and opportunities that propelled you forward or held you back.
- Now you wonder if you can still dance through life.
If this is you, then you are in the right place. Understanding and applying the lessons from the book ‘The courage to be disliked’ by Kishimi and Koga can help you as they have helped me.
I was born into a middle-class Indian family and then went on to become an engineer, a wife, a globetrotting millennial professional and finally a mom. Initially to me, the Adlerian philosophy described in the book seemed odd.
However, as I reflected on it over the last 6 months, it started making sense.
Finding your rhythm requires letting go of your self-consciousness. Living your best life means you let go of your inhibitions and embrace the joy of dancing with others.
Sounds simple enough, but is tough to implement. I hope these 11 lessons I learned from this life-changing book offer you an opportunity to think differently about your growth journey.
1. Deny Trauma
We often hide pain from our past — of abusive relationships or career setbacks or toxic bosses.
Truth is that our past has no correlation to our future unless we use it as an excuse. Only by understanding this can you bring about a genuine change in your life.
I awakened to this fact and decided to wipe the slate clean in terms of the hurt I was holding onto. It was relieving.
This is what super successful people do differently. They accept their past without any judgment of themselves or others.
2. Understand Unhappiness Is A Choice
We have the power to choose our own level of happiness. By making the right choices, we can create a more positive and fulfilling life.
We don’t have to feel positive all the time, but we need to accept our emotions to process them effectively.
Last week, I felt down as my old pattern of doubting myself was catching up with me.
The existential angst will be there. What I needed to process it was:
- Some form of movement
- Feeling genuinely connected with people
- Knowing I am doing what I enjoy.
Anyone can do these 3 things to embrace joy anytime they need.
Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage to be happy — Ichiro Kishimi.
3. Know All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
All problems stem from our relationships with others.
Learning how to build healthy relationships is key to resolving conflicts and being fulfilled.
If you are not happy in your key relationships, then being successful at anything won’t matter much, anyway.
When I take time off work, I spend it with my daughter, husband and on exercise and writing. It’s a tough balancing act, but it gives me immense pleasure.
Figure out yours’ and your environment’s pace, then you can learn to dance to this beat.
4. Know Everyone Fabricates Anger
We often use anger as a tool to assert our opinion and overpower others. Recognize anger is a fabrication and learn to respond in a more constructive way.
Growing up, I learned to not trust anyone so I was hostile to strangers. I confess whenever I have been angry; it was completely avoidable and usually something I regretted later.
If you are living your life like you are dancing, you won’t feel the need to be angry at yourself or anyone else.
5. Know Feelings Of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions
These feelings are often an excuse for not pursuing our goals. Recognize your feelings are subjective and do not define who you are.
Personally, I endeavor to avoid extremes. I used to doubt myself often, especially when I pursued engineering because my parents wanted me to.
Later when I achieved success working for a dream company in Europe, I felt like I was on top of the world. Both states didn’t help me.
To be more grounded in my thinking, I remind myself of the strength and the improvement areas in everything I do.
Figure out your balance, and then you can dance without feeling awkward.
A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self - Ichiro Kishimi
6. Know What’s Your Task
It’s important to understand which tasks are within our control, and which ones are not. This learning is tough to implement.
What if this is about your kid making a choice, not in line with your values? It makes sense to let them learn from their experiences and setbacks.
Personally, I hope to be strong and patient and let my daughter make her choices when the time comes. Thankfully, as she is a toddler, I have some time to learn.
It’s important to live in the moment and enjoy the pace of life.
7. Deny The Desire For Recognition
Seeking recognition can be a trap for our freedom.
By freeing ourselves from this desire, we can focus on achieving our goals without being influenced by the opinions of others.
This is hard for someone who grew up in Indian middle-class when all I heard was how important others’ opinions were. This included opinions of distant relatives, neighbors, or casual acquaintances.
I recognized how this was a problem and sought to build a life outside of this influence.
My parents cared about these opinions and I wondered why they did. I regularly practice seeking my validation and resisting the urge for external validation.
It’s easy to get caught up in seeking external validation, but true happiness comes from accepting ourselves as we are.
Love and appreciate yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Remember you are not the center of the world.
Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. — Shonda Rhimes
8. Do Not Live To Satisfy The Expectations Of Others
You must set your own goals and work towards achieving them. Don’t let the expectations of others hold you back from living the life you want.
I have lived almost half my life trying to fulfill the expectations of my parents consciously or sub-consciously. It was only with the birth of my daughter I realized how draining it was.
I instead learned to create healthy boundaries while having supportive relationships. I don’t feel the need to satisfy others’ expectations anymore.
Figure out your pace and stick to it.
The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness — Ichiro Kishimi
9. The Goal Of Interpersonal Relationships Is A Feeling Of Community
Building healthy relationships requires a sense of community and connection. Work towards building mutually beneficial and supportive relationships.
Spread joy by adding value to others and being of service.
10. Do Not Rebuke Or Praise, But Form Horizontal Relationships
It’s important to lift each other up instead of criticizing or praising. By forming horizontal relationships, we create a sense of equality and respect.
Parents often either praise their kids or rebuke them. By only praising, you are not preparing them for the challenges in life, and by only rebuking, you are not giving them confidence.
Treat people as equals, encourage them to do better, and respect them. Even your children.
Love is the absence of judgment — The 14th Dalai Lama
11. Understand The Difference Between Trust and Confidence
Trust is conditional, confidence isn’t.
We should trust others when they prove themselves trustworthy, but we should also have confidence in ourselves regardless of external factors.
When I needed a nanny in my first year of motherhood, it took me almost 3 months to find a reliable and competent one.
Some accepted and then didn’t turn up for personal reasons or found others who paid more. I couldn’t trust a nanny until they proved themselves reliable.
All I could do was rely on my ability to manage until I found the right fit.
What if you are looking for an opportunity in the current job market? What will you do if a company extends an offer and then retracts?
Have confidence in yourself, and keep your options open until someone proves they are trustworthy.
Let go of self-doubt, as it might hold you back in life.
In Conclusion
The courage to be normal is important to live a fulfilling life. This can be hard to accept for some of us who were told in our childhoods we were special. And, we believed it.
It’s important to embrace our normality and find contentment in the simple pleasures of life.
Many parents tell their kids they are special. We need to be more honest and tell our kids they are special to us, but they are like everyone else.
Everyone is special in their own way.
You are ordinary but you have the potential to create something extraordinary as you go through life. I learned this late but I hope you remember this for living a meaningful life.
Living like you are dancing is about expressing ourselves as we are and finding connection and joy in the everyday moments.
Let go and let your heart sing!
To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak — Indian Proverb.
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