5 Daily Strategies for Developing Mental Toughness
Lessons learned in a Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit
We are in a state of constant rush at work and at home. We find it hard to pause. This is taking us further away from developing mental toughness.
Mental toughness is the ability to withstand and overcome challenging situations, emotions, and obstacles in life.
Mental toughness is the strength to deny an outburst at the slightest provocation by creating a gap between emotion and reaction; to breathe. ~Alex Mathers
Many people believe that mental toughness is about pretending that everything is okay when it’s not. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
As a globetrotter who has lived on 3 continents, I thought I had all the toughness I needed to blaze through life.
Becoming a mom during Covid-19 and giving birth prematurely made me realize that developing mental toughness is a muscle that requires constant practice.
Based on my experiences, I wanted to enlist what makes up mental toughness and strategies to practice it daily.
What Makes Up Mental Toughness?
Resilience
One of the key aspects of mental toughness is resilience, or the ability to bounce back from adversity.
Resilience does not mean that one never experiences negative emotions or struggles. Rather, it means having the skills and mindset to cope with challenges and overcome them.
People with high levels of mental toughness can adapt to changing circumstances, learn from their mistakes, and keep moving forward.
For example, you hate public speaking, but you also want to improve on it to grow in your career. So, you speak at an event and then you find that didn’t go well the first time you tried.
Now, will you have the strength to try again or will you want to forget about it?
In the first six months of motherhood, you often undergo situations where you feel you cannot go on. Bringing up a little human tests all your wits and patience on every level.
However, those who are resilient learn to carry on.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” — Nelson Mandela
Grit
Another important component of mental toughness is grit, or the perseverance to pursue long-term goals despite obstacles and setbacks.
If you have your long-term goals attached to getting better at public speaking, you will continue to pursue it every chance you can find, even if you are not good at it in the present.
They have a sense of purpose and direction, and will endure short-term discomfort for the sake of long-term success.
When my daughter was born, she came 2.5 months early.
I feared what the future held for us. I wished her to have a healthy life, but the statistics pointed that there was a 20% chance that she could suffer from some long-term diseases.
The only thing that mattered when we were in a Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) was my mindset.
It boiled down to doing my best each day by holding my baby close, being mindful of my energy and living in the present.
Even babies that young can sense your emotions and their well-being depends on yours.
Gritty individuals put in hard work and effort, even when it is not immediately rewarding.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” — Winston Churchill
Avoiding overthinking
Mental toughness means not ruminating on a problem to fix it to avoid stagnation.
Instead, it means taking action and committing to a strategy to improve your situation, even when you want to cower under the covers.
It involves pumping yourself up when you have been feeling low, and calming yourself down when you are triggered.
It is about finding healthy ways to cope with your emotions, such as hitting the gym or going for a long walk.
In my case, it meant a decent 6 hour sleep even when I had a baby in the NICU.
Babies who are born so early sometimes forget to breathe and they don’t know how to feed through their mouth.
They need constant care.
But as parents you realize you are in a marathon and not a sprint.
Getting enough rest and being present is going to carry you through this time, worrying won’t.
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.” — Alex Karras
Focusing on others
Mental toughness is not about focusing on yourself.
It means lifting someone else’s spirits or making someone else feel at ease. In doing so, you may find that you feel better, too.
This works wonders for me. The moment my focus turns to add value to others and be of service, my mood uplifts.
While in the NICU, I focused on if my husband felt supported and on interacting with the hospital staff.
At its core, mental toughness is a decision.
It is a choice to live a lucky life, to overcome obstacles, and to keep pushing forward even when things get tough. And the best part?
You can make that decision right now.
“Success is not how high you have climbed, but how you make a positive difference to the world.” — Roy T. Bennett
Developing Mental Toughness
Developing mental toughness is not something that happens overnight; rather, it is a gradual process that requires consistent effort and practice.
You can take regular action to build mental toughness by:
1. Reframing negative self-talk
People with mental toughness can reframe negative thoughts and beliefs into more positive, helpful ones.
This is a daily practice to follow as you go about your day.
For example, instead of thinking “This can go wrong even if I try,” you might say, “This is challenging, but I trust things will be alright and I will do my best.”
I remember before my daughter was born, I asked my doctor if they could do anything that helped my baby be healthy in spite of being born so early.
He was honest and told me they couldn’t do much but he also told me that ‘faith can’. That stayed with me and motivated me through this journey.
It is important to only focus on what you can control to maintain a positive outlook.
2. Setting achievable goals
Having clear, achievable goals helps to provide a sense of direction and purpose, and allows for a sense of progress and accomplishment.
My goals were simple when my daughter was in the NICU. I focused on skin-to-skin bonding and keeping my milk pumping schedule.
My success was seeing her weight increase daily.
Increased bonding led to improvement in all aspects of her health such as breathing and feeding.
I also constantly checked my own feelings to make sure I was in the right frame of mind for her.
Set up daily habits that help you move closer to your goals. Track how you perform against those.
3. Building a support network
Having regular access to a support network of family and friends can provide motivation, and build resilience.
My husband’s support was crucial for taking care of our daughter. We also had friends and family near us.
My husband has been my rock since our NICU days.
Our major way of relaxation is over daily walks regardless of the weather in Toronto, where we live.
The walks make an enormous difference in our mental health, even when we walk in -20 degree Celsius.
It is so important to be surrounded by a support network when you are going through tough circumstances.
4. Practicing self-care
Mental toughness is not about pushing oneself to the point of burnout or exhaustion.
Rather, it is important to prioritize rest, relaxation, and self-care in order to maintain energy and focus.
Getting an 8 hour sleep on most days is sacred for me.
I focus on my breathing even if it’s for a minute and I cannot afford a longer time.
The 4–7–8 breathing technique helped me calm my sympathetic nervous system during the NICU days and has been a constant practice ever since.
You inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7, and exhale for a count of 8.
In any breathing method where you exhale for a longer time than inhale, it helps your sympathetic nervous system cool down.
5. Challenging yourself
Mental toughness requires stepping outside of one’s comfort zone and taking on new challenges.
Approach new challenges with a mindset of learning, rather than winning or losing.
I started writing in my first year of motherhood.
It was a way to process my feelings.
I realized writing is something I deeply love and something I am approaching with a learning mindset.
This helps to build confidence and resilience, and allows for growth and development.
Tying It All Together
In conclusion, mental toughness is an essential trait for anyone who wants to lead a happy life.
Mental toughness is not about denying your emotions, but about acknowledging them and choosing how you respond to them.
It means having the strength to withstand challenging situations, to acknowledge and manage your emotions, and to keep pushing forward when things get tough.
It’s a decision that you can make right now.
With time and practice, you can develop the mental toughness you need to overcome any obstacle in the future.
My time in the NICU was about 2 years ago but I want to carry these lessons I learned there for the rest of my life.
- Reframe negative self-talk and focus on the positives.
- Set achievable goals and live in the moment.
- Build a support network around you.
- Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
- Challenge yourself to think positively to be able to dream what’s possible in the future.
“Mental toughness is to physical as four is to one.” — Bobby Knight
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