How to Release the Past
Eight tips on letting go, liberating yourself, and enjoying life more
“Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.”―Jack Kornfield
Clinging to pain and injustices remedies nothing. Reliving the past over and over doesn’t change anything. So why do we do it? Why do we ruminate on what we would change about the past when we know it’s impossible?
Many times, and usually those in the past, the best thing that we can do is to accept whatever we are clinging to, and lovingly let it go.
This is how change occurs: in the letting go of what we thought that we knew or wanted in order to grow, to ascend, to become what we are meant to be. And the only way that we can do this is to release what is causing us pain, no matter how difficult or how long it takes; all that matters is that we don’t give up and continually strive to be better than we were before.
There are many reasons to release the past, but most poignantly, holding on to the past circumstantially limits us from embracing and living authentically.
It’s impossible to create a strong sense of self if we are clinging to a past self that doesn’t exist and blocks us from growing into who we want to be.
The problem is that living in the past can become comfortable, especially if we don’t know anything else.
Many of us have great difficulty in releasing our pain about the past, the sting of rejection, or the things we “woulda, coulda, or shoulda” done.
This is because we’ve allowed these feelings to become ingrained in our identity — a natural tendency! And without the ever-present pain of the past, our identity is lost, making it that much more difficult to let go.
Here are 8 tips to help you release the past (based on personal experience) so that you can live a happier and more fulfilling life:
1. Realize that relationships are dynamic and usually more complex than what we think that they should be.
To live freely, we need to accept who we are right now, today, and also accept and meet others where they are, as much as possible. “Realizing that relationships are fluid helps us to move forward in a healthy way,” says Cindy White, LPC, NCC.
As time passes, we learn that things rarely go according to plan. And that’s perfectly okay; the unexpected surprises of our lives and relationships are the ones that warmly blanket us in richness, depth, and texture. These unexpected events, no matter how challenging, force us to grow.
And when we become aware of ourselves and the part that we play in our relationships, they will grow and improve. But this also means that we must begin to accept others as they are, in order to foster appreciation, gratitude, and trust.
2. Practice forgiveness.
Holding grudges and being unwilling to forgive can keep us cemented in the past instead of flourishing in the future. It’s much harder to move forward when resentments weigh us down.
Remember this: When we forgive others, it’s more for ourselves, so that we can move forward and truly let it go.
As Carl Jung so aptly said, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
3. Don’t live as prisoner when you have the key. Destroy self-limiting beliefs.
How many times have you thought, “I could never do that,” or “That’s out of my reach”? Don’t buy into this form of self-dialogue. Believe in yourself and open your mind to a world full of possibilities.
Throughout life, there will be many people who tell you that you can’t. Be the one that can.
4. We only control ourselves. Let go of the need and idea that we can control others.
We can’t change anyone but ourselves. Anything else is wasted energy and time. Letting go of the need to control others frees up valuable creative energy and space. We‘ll never be all things to everyone, and it’s an exercise in futility to attempt otherwise.
5. Release your mistakes.
We all do and say things that we wish we hadn’t, and that’s okay. Missteps happen, you’re allowed to change your mind, and it’s perfectly natural to mess up sometimes. Accept that this is part of life, and try to find the humor in it when possible.
6. Don’t worry about what others think.
Start to prioritize yourself by asking, “What do I need at this moment, right now?” Liberate yourself from being controlled by what you think others want from you.
When our actions, thoughts, and words are congruent, we are in true harmony. It’s impossible to live by our values if we rely on the expectations and approval of others.
7. Accept what you cannot change.
Bring yourself into the present moment, and let the past stay in the past. We know that dwelling on the past doesn’t work, because life happens in the now. We can only make choices today that help to manifest the possibilities that we want in the future.
8. Remember this: Expectations don’t lead to outcomes.
Expectations are frequently the cause of disappointment. We expect one thing to happen, and when the opposite does, suffering and bargaining ensue.
Expectations keep us stuck on what we think that we need to be happy, largely because of fear. We know that nothing in life is guaranteed, and all we can do is make good choices and be aware of our limiting expectations. This may mean letting go of some aspects of our life-view, or formulating respectful boundaries.
Holding on to things that we can’t control can cause us a great deal of stress and unhappiness. It also keeps us stuck in the past, and keeps us from growing and living our lives freely. If we want to be happy and free, then we need to learn to let go.
The key to letting go is facing the past, accepting that we can’t alter it, and then moving on.
Once we are able to move on and appreciate the growth that came from that experience, more authentically aligned opportunities will present themselves. And only then can we begin to write our new story.
What will you write today? Tomorrow? Next year? It’s up to you.
Embrace living in the moment and understand that uncertainty can be beautiful when we look at it from the right perspective.
With love and gratitude, Aurora
