How to Let Go of External Expectations by Objectifying Feedback

There is a fine line between the art and the artist.

It is a no-brainer when I say this, “Humans crave attention.” Even when you say to someone that you are different and don’t demand the spotlight, but deep inside, you know that is probably not your case.

Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? But the truth is: your voice deserves a megaphone. You earn a reward for your work. Sometimes you just don’t know where to find the right rewards.

No one wants to miss ephemeral catharsis.

Temporary rewards are sometimes hard to gain. It is because positive external validations make us feel good, albeit for a short time maybe. It is how the human brain gets the motivation to keep going.

So, why will you risk avoiding such validations? It will be foolish to prevent cathartic experiences.

When we set our actions to prepare to mar by hollow expectations, we end up in disappointment because that’s what expectations do: their specificity and any slight deviation from them is disappointing.

External validations are just what the names says: from foreign people with varying perspectives.

Occasionally, they come from snap judgements. Often from the decisions that don’t consider your process at all! Sometimes they even happen when you are not your best self.

When are external validations helpful?

The times when external validation is useful are when you are putting efforts into getting to a level where you won’t be judged entirely by just one attempt.

External validations are helpful when they promote healthy competition. Competition is healthy when it leaves you with a lesson at the end to prepare better for the next time, instead of making you miserable when you don’t live up to the mark.

No one cares unless you impact them.

The same healthy aspect is about expectations. You can say “I am not answerable to anyone”. But you know you’ve made a promise to your parents that you will make them proud in every walk of your life. You swore to keep their heads up all the time. That means you are answerable to them at least.

For other people, no one cares about how far you go or grow unless you have an impact on their life.

Like, if you outsmart someone in public and they feel inferior, they will lash out at you with some terrible feedback. Especially if you are a novice, be prepared for diss.

A fine line between the art and the artist

The feedback is not even about your work. It is solely about projecting the other person’s insecurities on you because you stood up to challenge the mindset of the smart guy in the open.

“How dare you?”, this question will come and a lot of backfiring from there.

When it comes to close friends who have blind trust in whatever you do, their expectations matter because they are emotionally invested in you. They block their time for you. They cancel plans so that they can make ones for you. If they are doing so much to show how valuable you are, you also have some decent accountability, right?

Final words

You practically can’t measure your growth by any master combination of metrics that will tell how much percentage you were better than yesterday. Habits trackers work, but they do require diligence and consistency. We are talking about instantaneous feedback here. In such cases, feedback from the right person does help.

Feedback from the person who doesn’t give a damn about your feeling, but only your growth. Those are the people whose expectations you can live up to if you want to improve. They will, indeed, force you to think about your work continuously by giving genuine feedback.

The way you perceive the implications of feedback decides how you will modify the future path. That includes absorbing only selective input from people who are judging the performance of your work, not you.

Setting aside ego is like telling yourself “I am terribly wrong” and admitting it in front of someone that will make you vulnerable and also prone to judgement.

But does it matter if the person is judging your work solely for growth’s sake and not just your feelings?

Think about how much you can improve if you can set aside ego for a moment to just experiment with looking at feedback objectively. Improve your work, develop your self-image because in the end, “for the outside world, the actions define a person’s worth.” If you want to feel worth it, work for it.

This blog belongs to a series of posts I am publishing in this 100-days streak. Today is day 83. Navigate to the end of article 22, for the references from day 23 onwards. If you would like to read the ones before day 22, here is the first one that documents them in the end.

~ Sanjeev