PARENTING

How To Know Your Child Has an Eating Disorder

These are signals to look for, signs of struggle, and steps to support recovery.

I have attempted to write this article a few times this week. Through tears, trembling hands so unsteady where typing isn’t even a conscious option, and my deepest regrets punching my gut. Each attempt, I remember precisely how I felt in my emptiness, shame, and shell existence during my prolonged struggle with anorexia. Worse than that, I relive the mind-numbing knowledge of the pain and fear I caused my parents while hiding my self-imposed punishing rituals. When I strangled enough life out of my once healthy growing body, my brain ceased to function at a level that could stop its path of destruction without intervention.

I credit my Mom for imparting wisdom to understand that I can’t change my past. I believe now that it’s not my fault. I have my voice to change the outcome of many other girls and families going through this battle right now. Eating disorders are a mental and emotional conflict deeply manifested physically.

I want my Mom to know my eating disorder life experience holds no blame on her or my family. I want all loving parents to understand this. No matter how close you are as a family, purposely hiding anorexia is one of your child’s goals. I will give you some tools of attunement to recognize the signals and signs when you may not know where to look. I also want to provide you with steps to walk your family through encouragement, support, a path to recovery, and healing.

Girls and boys can suffer from eating disorders. Since my experience was a young girl having anorexia, I will discuss that perspective. I hope that all families will gain helpful insight and prompts to search for more resources and answers for their family situation.

Signals to look for

1. Seclusion: Does your child want to be alone more often? Turning down invitations even from close friends and family can signal a reason to ask more questions or offer to spend time together while they choose to stay home. I have a visible void in my life’s timeline of missed events in school, family, and church to escape the devastation of disappointing someone. My fear of who I am because of how I felt about my body interfered with actively participating in life.
2. Excessive exercise: Does your child exercise at a level or length that is beyond their age suggestion for optimal health, growth, and mental well-being? Many children in their youth are involved in sports after school and on weekends. Involvement is expected and encouraged for socialization, team structure and experience, and personal challenges. Are they exceeding that scheduled activity where it takes the place of other hours in their day like meals, homework, events, friends, or sleep? When I knew my parents had an event away from home, I would often get on our stationary bike and ride it till it was almost time for them to return. I despised my need even to eat a piece of string cheese while riding in hopes I wouldn’t pass out. Nowadays, there are Pelotons or treadmills you can use only with a password. If this concerns you, changing your password while exercising is a trigger for her will help. Ask if she would like to invite a friend over while you are gone for company.
3. Loss of period: My Mom said one of the signals that alerted her was when she couldn’t remember the last time she had bought me tampons or pads. Even when I started my period at 11, it wasn’t consistent. Still, when it ceased to occur, that wasn’t something I knew at the time could happen or its devastating consequences on a girl’s body. It wasn’t a thought in my mind on how to hide it. I was happy it was gone. I wanted to squash the so-called beautiful butterfly transformation into womanhood. It was invading the shape and heavier feeling in my body, which made it the enemy in my mind. Loss of her period is a good marker to look for and keep track of if you question an eating disorder is possible. Also, having an open conversation on all the possible changes her body may go through and the long-term benefits and short-term consequences of a woman’s menstrual cycle. I never had a regular cycle the rest of my life till after my full recovery less than two years ago, as I now probably head into menopause. My years of fertility treatments to birth three miracles put a substantial mental divide on my choices of not caring for myself as a growing young child or as a soon-to-be mother.
4. Excuses to not eat with the family: Has she missed multiple family meals or been absent from the viewing area for meal times during the week? I would often say I wasn’t hungry, tell my Mom I already ate, or say I’d bring it to my room so I could do homework. If you have leftover meals in the fridge, is any or an adequate amount missing? Are their dishes that were used for the food choices? We all want to give our children some privacy, but when the answers can save their life, walk in that bedroom door. If you are the person to empty the trashes, you may need to look a little deeper. I would sometimes take one bite, wrap the rest up in a napkin and throw it away. I even flushed some down the toilet, so ask more questions if your plumbing is taking a hit. I also would hide candy bars or even granola bars in my drawers, hoping I’d be skinny enough to eat them one day. It’s not rational, but it was a positive signal that I did want to eat but needed help finding how to accept that feeling to heal that thought.
5. Contrast the look in pictures over a short period: My Mom told me she saw the impact of my declining health when she saw a current photo of me in seventh grade. This image portrayed a time of severe restriction on my part. Today tracking is accessible in the age of technology and cameras on our phones, with 1000’s archived and categorized as digital picture albums. When a parent sees their child every day, it may be harder to notice subtle changes that incrementally add up without a mental before and after timestamp or visual image.
6. Meticulously counting calories and measuring food: Does she look at every label of boxed or canned food, examining its nutritional content and amounts of calories, fats, and carbohydrates before deciding which food choice is correct for her goals? Does she measure mostly all her food by size or weight, often going just a little below the serving size? Doing this reinforces an anorexic’s mind. She will lose more weight than another person measuring their food, too. It proves to her that she has the will to commit to her weight loss plan. I even had a little pocket measuring guide I took from my Mom that I would memorize, so when I was doing it in my head, my family wouldn’t know at the moment. I would look in magazines my Mom received in the mail for the latest diets to restrict even further on my quest to perfection. Try to have more fresh foods in the house without labels or take out the individual items from their original box and put them into clear Tupperware or sorting containers at house. Limit the magazine or mail choices to family-minded or remove from community areas in the home. Be a role model reflecting your health as a priority behind your faith, family’s happiness, togetherness, compassion for each other and your neighbors.

Signs of struggle

1. Loss of weight: Have her checked out by a physician for any underlying conditions you don’t want to miss to eliminate other reasons for loss of appetite or weight loss. It’s also good to observe her behavior in the doctor’s office. Does she look away when she is weighed or hear the amount then change her demeanor? I know I always would stand backward to have myself weighed, and if the nurse said it out loud, I would decide not to eat the rest of the day if the number wasn’t low enough for my expectations. Some doctor offices now have a form with short questions for a child or teen to fill out independently. This tool can assist in identifying underlying mental health issues as well as eating disorder tendencies. As irritability increases with weight loss, please leave your door open to let her know you are available to talk at all times. Make a point to tell her you can remain silent and only listen if she prefers.
2. Extreme tiredness, loss of energy: Does she sleep a lot outside of regular night hours? Are the naps she says she wants to take multiple hours long, days on end? Does she display more lethargic movements and have trouble motivating herself to do things she hasn’t planned in her day? I would be so tired because my body was undernourished, drained, and hopeless at times. I didn’t want to see many people unless it was a day I succeeded on my diet or reached an insanely low weight and wanted to wear a new outfit. So, other times I would isolate myself deeming myself unworthy to be around the happy people without my problems.
3. Wearing baggy clothes, long sleeves, and pants for extreme coldness:Does she always dress in baggy clothes so you can’t confirm the actual size of her silhouette? Does she often wear winter clothes in the summer because her body can’t regulate itself anymore? At my lowest weight, my bones created a lasting memory of being left virtually naked of flesh. I was desperate with fear they would break walking down the street and hollow of any life left to keep them warm. My body couldn’t regulate much anything anymore. With sensitivity to coldness, please pay attention to changes such as her hair becoming more dry, brittle, or falling out. Her skin also may be extra dry or have soft fine hairs that begin to grow on areas such as the face, arms, and legs. Our bodies are miraculous in wanting to create their safeguards to survive amidst internal chaos.
4. School grades dropping or perfectionistic hyper-focused on studying: Are you receiving any messages from her teachers of grades slipping? Is she expressing harsh disappointment when she only gets one or two questions wrong on assignments or tests? Both ends of the spectrum display a need to get involved. Keep a strong communication with the teachers, primarily when drastic changes are occurring. If there are subtle changes but more unusual for your daughter, then speak with the teacher. Talk to your daughter about not putting her worth in an error-free report card. Explain what you love about her, not based on grades and physical appearance. Offer times to help with schoolwork or take a break from studying to play a game or watch a movie together.
5. Constant comparisons to friends or media images: Does she hang posters or pictures around her room in admiration of body ideals or create vision boards mostly depicting physical goals met will achieve happiness? If you notice she is on her phone repeatedly without breaks, have a rest spot for the phone to take breaks. Look up parental controls available on any social platform she uses. In my day, it was mainly magazines that entertained the central image collage of perfection. I would spend hours cutting out body ideals, specific body parts I admired, and phrases that fuel my mental motivation to stay on my diet. I would repeat negative sayings to myself if I failed. You can’t control what is in your child’s mind, but you can influence it. When she invites friends over, make sure to recognize and compliment intangible beauty in all of them with examples of self-confidence, responsibility, and compassion.

Steps to support recovery

1. Encouraging their belief in themselves: Tell her many joys and experiences in her life make up her beauty and spirit, not an unfair measure of her body’s worth. Media has shoveled constant messages into the minds of our youth, creating its yardstick to measure your worth, success, and popularity. Recognize artists who speak up about their mental health struggles or seek out treatment when they need help. My parents were supportive of all areas of my life, no matter what I wanted to do or try. When I didn’t enjoy something or made a mess of it, they applauded my effort and bravery to try something new. When they saw I committed to something, they didn’t put pressure on me. Instead, they celebrated each milestone or goal met because of determination.
2. Family counseling: This disease affects the whole family. The entire family needs to recover. Being with your child as they learn about the disease, its short and long-term consequences, and steps in recovery is vital to show your trust in her and the treatment. Each of your children is a unique person and will have different conflicts in their lives. Please don’t compare your children. Their struggles, recoveries, and length or depth of treatment in any traumatic events in their lives can be drastically different. They need your love. They don’t want to feel they aren’t doing it well enough. I remember when I went to an in-patient treatment center and had a family session when I got there. I could feel the desperate worry in my parents’ hearts just looking at their faces and hearing their deep concern. I needed to listen to it.
3. Practice recovery tools in real-life situations over and over: Treatment centers may give her and your family a type of homework to practice when she is released. Lesson work isn’t optional if you want to support her. Dutifully practice. One exercise may be having her let you cook meals for her without omitting any ingredients on her fear list. You may need to eat out or deliver more prepared meals from restaurants where you don’t see or look at the nutritional information. She may need to practice making her meals by filling each plate area with a different food group, including all of them, and then eating at the dinner table together. Likely, she will be adding snacks between each meal to become consistent with nourishing her body. When I went home after treatment, I asked my Mom to buy a lunch tray as you would get at a restaurant supply store. The tray normalized how I had meals prepared for me in treatment. Each section on the tray had an item from a different food group and couldn’t be left empty. It trained my mind to accept the food served. It was there for a purpose, and that would help me recover.

Hope and healing

1. Piecing life together: My Mom noticed changes in me and pieced together what my mind and body were wrestling. She was determined to find any resources and evidence, so I would stop harming myself. My first reason to rethink what in the world I was choosing for my life occurred when my Mom told me that Karen Carpenter had just died on February 4, 1983. Heart failure brought on by her long struggle with anorexia caused her death. I knew she was beautiful to me, talented, succeeding in an industry she loved. She died starving herself, exactly what I was doing to my body and hiding it from everyone, or so she must have thought, too. I remember my denial that it was possible, then terrified and thinking I didn’t want to die. Since I was an infant, I already had a condition with my heart and brain connection, causing me to pass out. The condition, Neurocardiogenic Syncope, wasn’t appropriately diagnosed until I was over 30 years old. It was Neurocardiogenic syncope. Without that knowledge or medication at the time, I kept imagining myself gone and so much left that I would miss being a part of my life. Your child has pieces to put back together in her mind and how she sees herself, feels about herself, and loves the person she is right now, no matter the clothes size. She may need the time to be taped and glued with overwhelming love and support by her parents and family. It’s okay if she doesn’t look the same or act the same as before her disease. That has to be said and acknowledged that it is okay; however, she chooses to heal. She has endured something traumatic, and it doesn’t matter if you can’t understand or want the same little girl back. Let her become the person who lives her joy and uses her unique voice as a girl who may still struggle but has triumphed one day at a time.
2. You are not alone: She doesn’t have to suffer through this alone. You can hold her and walk through this together, admitting you don’t have all the answers. Discuss reaching out to counselors who have lived through it and recovered and family support groups from learning how to care for each other and her recovery needs. My parents and brothers have defeated internal enemies I didn’t have the strength to fight on my own over the years. When I was strong enough to tackle my demons, they stood arm in arm with me, building my defense.
3. Support from family and friends: Be ready to fight for your family. You may feel the blame that you didn’t know soon enough or should have done more. This disease is skilled in deception and strategic guilt. You are reading this today to change how you go forward, bond together as a family to support your child in the role you should play so they may have a better life. Her friends may have known, only some, or not at all. Anorexia is isolating. She may think she would be a loser or failure if she told her friends, especially in the worst of it. Support her in recovery by spending time with friends again. Knowing her voice could change one of her friends going through it could prompt her to talk about it. I have a few close friends who saw me struggle. Sometimes, they had a question, conversation, suggestion, and even intervention. I am immensely grateful for every single time they reached out. It showed me that when I felt the worst about myself, they still loved me even more, to want me out of the pain.

Final Thoughts

Whether your family is intact, separated by choice, or divorced, you must seek outside sources to counsel your way through the conflict. You can join together for the healing of your child first. In time, with changes like the seasons, her heart will heal and love herself and life again.

My struggle didn’t end when I was young, but I knew how much my family and friends loved me. I knew they wouldn’t give up on me, and I couldn’t give up on myself. We didn’t have the amount of knowledge or resources when I was younger. I had some better years, less complicated years, and less anorexic self-talk. My struggle lasted 36 years of my life. It helped me learn each time a passing thought or mental comment creeps in with ulterior eating disorder motives how to detect and deflect it. I have even called my Mom to reach out when I notice a shift in thinking one day. I have gone back to various group therapy sessions to continue my recovery walk in the presence of a second family. We can thrive together.

When the pandemic started and life halted, I had time to hear the ticks on the clock. Many days I lifted the rug to see what dirt I swept behind in my life and how to eliminate it from returning. My voice stayed silent for so long about my mental and physical struggles, emotional explosions, and heartache began to speak. I wanted to tell someone. I had gone through a tremendous battle in my mind, stood up again, picked up my armor, and kept marching.

I found my voice in writing. Sometimes it’s emotional, therapeutic, and ever-evolving. Some days it’s just a poem filled with silliness. I’m no longer silent, so I listen to whatever my heart wants to say that day.

My prayer is that many other young girls’ families and friends support them, and they never feel alone. They will have a team of loving soldiers fighting for them against this mental disease every day. They can intervene in the eating disorder self-talk attacks playing out on the battlefield in their mind. They can be proud of the person they have become and can’t wait to see what they are capable of next.

If you or your family is looking for recovery options from an eating disorder, please reach out and contact your local eating disorder clinic. Most treatment centers have family, individual, and group counseling available. There is a way out of this struggle together. 

Would you please read my family fiction story for children and parents?

If you enjoy reading stories like these and want to support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. It’s only $5 a month, giving you unlimited access to all stories on Medium without ads. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission.

If you would like to support me in contributing to this wonderful writing community and other passion projects, you can buy me a coffee at www.buymeacoffee.com/NSponsel, so I have more stamina to fuel my better writing ahead.