How to Know When Silence is Not the Right Answer

We rise by lifting others, not by watching them suffer while thinking we’re lucky enough.

Sometimes silence is the best answer. When you miss a deadline, then it is the only answer because your manager is sitting on your face and you are clueless about how you screwed up in the first place.

Your self-confidence slowly turns to self-doubt. You don’t have time to blame anyone but yourself. Your boss will fire, and what have you got? Do nothing but bleed.

Some more non-exhaustive list of situations where silence is the best answer:

• when you want to show someone how happy you are without them. They can be you ex-fiance, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, crush, coworker, whatever! Throw in some more people from your block list if you want
• when you are tired of initiating communication every time
• when you don’t know any answer in the exam. Sorry if that hurt! In my head, it sounded funny
• when you know how to win the argument, but you want to see the arrogant person make a fool of themselves before you pitch in with the universally accepted idea of yours. You want to speak when you are sure your words will have the most impact.

I’ve been terrible in these situations, so I shared the times when I screwed up with my silence.

As an extrovert, I’ve had a hard time staying mute. Especially, when I know my speaking can improve the situation or maybe drift it in the right direction, I can’t stay silent and here are some situations when indeed silence is not the correct answer.

Here active, empathetic communication becomes more important than anything.

Staying silent means lying to yourself

I have a habit of knowing about whoever I meet. Even in the first meeting, I foster lasting relationships.

Some of my unexpected connections were strangers whom I just met on a train, flight, bus, gym or temporarily in my office space. They are still in my contacts list with code names.

Even the CIA can’t decipher my phone book. One friend’s contact is saved as Papa ( Hindi for “Dad”). Just one more weird one I promise: Bhagwan Papa ( the brutal translation of “God Father” in modern Hindi). The third one’s a charm: Choco ( explanation will need another article, sorry for the suspense and too many brackets). If you’re from the CIA, bite me!

In all these situations where I tried to make empathetic connections, there were broadly two kinds of people:

• Some were busy in their head and needed a sign that it is comfortable to be open with you.
• The second type is where I fall. The ones who if spend too much time in their head, they will blast. Of course, not literally. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be typing this.

Some people need time to process what they are about to say. They think about the consequence of their words, sometimes too deep. Overthinking and anxiety become their friend.

The folks on the extrovert spectrum are the ones who have experience socialising by knowing when ( knowledge + ethics ) to speak, and how ( wisdom ) much.

Humans crave connection: not the silent one but the one with a terrific combination of comedy and relaxing conversations. If you can provide that, we should talk. Hit me on Instagram whenever you’re free!

You see even a small injustice as a big deal.

The most common case is when someone is littering in public, and you tell them to behave like a responsible citizen.

You have another option. You think, “Why should I care? Let him litter the area. At least I don’t do it, and I am happy about it.”

The second one is what I learned in childhood. I see this behaviour in my friends also to “mind your own business” in public situations like the one shared above.

But what if it’s “our business”, not “my business” anymore? What if you want to put efforts into improving your environment?

You won’t stop in your head here. You will correct anyone ignorant. Sometimes you want to make a point, and sometimes you just want to do the right thing. Whatever the reason to speak up is, you are just straightforward and do it anyway.

You bring actionable change by talking out.

You can’t stop talking unless you get closure. Nowadays, whenever I initiate a phone call, I have always a plan in mind so that the topic doesn’t deviate to cinemas and fantasies.

Talking is a communication skill that is replaced by lazy texting nowadays. See, right now you are absorbing text. It doesn’t mean you are terrible when talking in person, but some people are. They avoid talking because they are intimidated and block themselves from different perspectives that might indeed be worth it.

Some people see it as if talking will expose their dark secrets. When you talk stupid, then even your actions will reveal your secrets. It is in understanding what value you can give by being vulnerable and your authentic self.

You are bold enough to speak up when no one can

This one is the quality of inspiring personalities. They just can’t stand to succumb in a situation which they can improve. They want to solve a personal problem.

While solving it, they realise the scale is more prominent than they thought because more and more people are supporting them to grow and even reaching out for help and guidance.

If you are not the one with a bold attitude, then you might remember at least one person whom people admire for such nature. Some of them are:

• Standing up to a terrible boss and resigning from the job,
• Speaking up to your parents to bridge the generation gap by putting efforts in explaining your perspective,
• Explaining your rationally unique point of view where everyone is sitting and absorbing information in just one direction with no element of interactive feedback,
• The pro-active person who energises the discussion with logic and sometimes even with a healthy dose of controversy, contradiction and hypocrisy to prove his/her point.

Final words

I am not saying silence is the wrong answer. Even I made sure the headline is not misleading!

But there are some situations where speaking up is the only option when you think your thoughtful words can bring the change you want to see around you. Or when you think your voice deserves an outlet. You realise that speaking up is the only way when the desired change is important and urgent both.

And what do you do when something is important and urgent? You speak up!

This blog belongs to a series of posts I am publishing in this 100-days streak. Today is day 79. Navigate to the end of article 22, for the references from day 23 onwards. If you would like to read the ones before day 22, here is the first one that documents them in the end.

~ Sanjeev