How to Have a Party Between Your Legs

Spread ’em! An A to Z

Iguess it really depends on your definition of a party. I mean, most people think, “Party! Fun!”

And I can be one of those people. I can party like it’s 1999 (although, to be fair, I was six months pregnant with my first child when the Old.Mil.Emenem slipped carefully into the New.Mil.Emenem, so partying wasn’t really on my mind, more the pressure on my bladder!).

But I am also that person who can get slightly anxious before a party. Particularly when I don’t know many people. Because. Well. Sometimes it just is a bit overwhelming, isn’t it? I mean, you walk into a room full of people you don’t know and who don’t know you and you have to introduce yourself and tell them about yourself and do ‘small talk’, you know…the small things and then you have to smile and laugh and really you just want to be home watching Nanette on Netflix?! I am really sure I’m not the only one here… (please tell me that’s the case! No one answered me last time I made this plea…)

Can that be any more awkward?

Didn’t think it could? Well, you’re not a woman. Because if you’re thinking, “party=feeling vulnerable, lightly awkward and just wanting to go home” then “party” can also equal “visit to the gynecologist”!!!

Every. Single. Time. I promise you! Every visit is that awkward. I know. There are men reading this thinking, “Little Lady, errr, prostate exam??!” I get it. You’re over 50 you have to bend over and have a “party” every couple of years. (My little violin is playing right now!). But for women, it’s a “party” we have a little more frequently!

For example, you start menstruating when you’re 11, you start having real parties between your legs at say, 17 (*age may have been changed), so… hello, smear test time! Then sometime between the age of 17 and 49, you might have kids. Some have one. Some have 12. Or somewhere in between. Because I am telling you, there’s nothing like having an actual party between your legs and getting knocked up that leads to having that ‘other’ party between your legs!

Gynecological visits really are some kind of party! That awkward type. When you really don’t want to be there. Perhaps there’s only one person you know. Vaguely. And that person says, “take your pants off…” And they don’t just mean the outer layer. All layers of pants. Underpants too.

Having removed said underpants, the ‘I kinda know them’ person then says, “sit over there!” And here comes the vulnerability. There’s nothing like sitting in a chair with stirrups that show your ‘between the legs party area’ to anyone who cares to walk in the room!

I actually know the story of a woman who had children. And they loved glitter. And they used it quite a bit. Which meant the whole house was covered in it. Including the bathroom. So when she rushed into the bathroom one day before her awkward gyno-party visit, she gave her nether regions a quick wash. Because: hygiene and vulnerability and stuff. With a face-cloth. (Come on! We all know they’re just called ‘face-cloths’) In the shared bathroom. That her glitter-kids use. I can just imagine the look of ‘delight-hilarity-surprise’ on the Gyno’s face when all was revealed. COVERED IN GLITTER! Now THAT is a party!!! Dedication to the party!! Hooray, sister!! (Even if it wasn’t intentional!)

Just to keep this “How to” really going, I will summarise the key points made so far in a fabulous listicle:

• be a woman
• of a certain age (i.e. have started another party in your pants)
• be health conscience and visit a Gyno
• regularly
• even get pregnant
• have between 1 and 12 kids (not really recommended for mental health reasons!)

Kinda sounds easy, doesn’t it? It’s not hard at all! Of course, the “one lonely gyno” just isn’t enough for a party (because that is a date, not a party!), so I would also suggest having the following: some kind of complication or weird thing — for example, have a strange pocket of fluid in your uterus wall that no one in the general region (think all Nordic countries) and in 15 years experience has ever seen before. That gets them all running in to join the party! I would then suggest the following:

Lie there! Just lie there, hopefully in all your glittery-glory. Because nothing screams “PARTY!” like a mirror ball!! You can be your own mirror ball! Or you can really get the party started by using a Bejewelling Bedazzler and start vagazzling! Rhinestones in every colour! (*I just can’t write ‘color’, Grammarly, so stop correcting me! And I am pretty sure vagazzling is a word, alright?!)

Make sure to be in a teaching hospital, or at least a hospital with many young doctors who are just so eager to have parties. Make sure that one of them examines you first. Then they need a second opinion, you see. (Or a third or even fifth if you’re lucky!) See? Instant party! More people! All rushing in!

Never make eye contact. It just encourages more awkwardness. Especially in Finland. Just no.

Open wide. Breathe. Think of England or something.

Pretend you’re somewhere else. Like on a beach in the warm sun with a cocktail in our hand. Not with the whole party staring at your party-parts like you’re some kind of Tenth Wonder of the Gyno World. (At this point, I would highly recommend that if you're not going down the “I am my own glitter ball” route, that you apply a thick coating of Coconut Body Butter? Because nothing says “beach” like the smell of coconut!)

Quit worrying. Because now there’s a positive army of partiers! And they’re promising more parties! In other hospitals…because, you know, strange uterus fluidy thing (let’s call it Alien Fluid Sack — or AFS for short!).

Re-run the whole scenario through your mind again! Make the party happen again…over and over and over…it’s now a never-ending party in your pants!

Simply slip on a mask! Being awkward at a party just requires an incredible bravado. So put on a mask. You just slip on someone else’s face, someone oozing with confidence, like Beyonce, and go from there. Party between your legs, guaranteed.

To summarise, like all good 15-year-olds writing an essay thinking “I have to write these words otherwise how will the reader know I am summarising, despite the fact my teacher has told me not to use them, even quite crossly after the last 15 times I did it.” It is this simple. The “How to” of “How-tos.”

Up until now, you were quite sure that it was complicated, weren’t you?! Involving a significant other and getting all touchy and feely, maybe even getting totally naked. You had no idea that all it took was to have a baby, or some kind of AFS, grab a glittery cloth, wash your nether regions and off you go!

Very few of you have perhaps made it to the end of this. I want to congratulate you! Well done! You now know that when I commit to an idea, (why did I think A to Z would be good?!) I stick to it! You also may have picked up I actually have a weird AFS… at this stage nothing to be overly concerned about, but I am seriously considering the glitter idea next visit!

When will this end?

X-ray. No. Actually it was an MRI. Bloody awful. Not a party at all. Nothing to do with between your legs. Just 29 minutes of hideous noise and trying to be at that beach with a cocktail.

YES! Nearly there!

Ze end!

This post was written because Susan Brearley keeps coming up with fabulous prompt ideas for us pirates in the MuddyUm ship of Between the Legs Pleasure! Your shipmates are ever grateful!

Lisa is a person. She spent most of her life in Australia (minus a few years in Canada and Germany). She now lives in Finland. Yet, she speaks Swedish, as do all the people where she lives. Intrigued? You should be! She also likes writing funny things, mostly to keep herself amused as the days get shorter and shorter…

And Kristi Keller and Kent Clark started this, so here’s your tags.