How to handle a friendship that’s turned toxic
Not all friendships are meant to last forever. These are the best ways to handle a friendship that’s turned toxic.
by: E.B. Johnson
Our friendships can be a complex relationship, with a number of ups and downs that can be as confusing as they are emotional to navigate. Our friendships provide support, and they provide us with a sense of perspective that helps us to make sense of the world (and ourselves). When these relationships run toxic, however, it can be hard to make sense of it all. What can you do when your best friend becomes toxic or turns into a stranger?
It’s critical that we embrace our friendships for what they are, and the ways in which they impact our lives. Good friendships are those that are stable, solid and built on the tenants of trust and respect; while toxic ones are those which instill fear, sadness or any other array of negative emotions that make it hard for us to function or feel happy. If your friendship has gone from great to challenging, only you can take the steps necessary to get things back on track and protect yourself.
Friendship as a changing facet of our lives.
Friendships can provide a lot of comfort and security in our lives, but we’re not often prepared for the many changes they can undergo. As humans, we are always learning, growing and changing — and that includes our partnerships and the friendships that color our lives and provide them with meaning or joy. When we fail to see these changes, or embrace them accordingly, we can find ourselves struggling in toxic or poisonous friendships that are more of a disruption than anything else.
It’s easy to fall into toxic patterns of friendship that detract from your life more than adding to it. Some of us are desperate to collect as many friends as possible, and we lower both our boundaries and our standards in order to meet those goals. Seeking this type of outward validation always ends in heartache, however, and it never provides the insight that’s so critical and so valuable.
We have to learn to put space between ourselves and those who demean, belittle, or otherwise get in the way of the happiness that we are seeking. Even if your friend is the closest person in the world to you, there is little point in maintaining that position if it only brings you pain. Embrace the reality of your friendships and look for the warning signs of a person who is trying to take advantage of you or otherwise destroy what you have and what you’re working toward. Friendships are a boon in this life, but they can be a danger too. Build better relationships by knowing the difference.
Why friendships go from good to toxic.
Our friendships change, just as our personalities change and the things we want from life change. While these changes are common and natural, they can be tricky to navigate too. These are some of the most common reasons our friendships shift from good to toxic.
Adversity and circumstance
Life is a challenging experience for anyone, and that includes the people that we call our friends. If your closest confidante finds themselves going through major life-change or adversity, you might them changing the way they see things or connect with you. Circumstances can shape who we are, and sometimes that’s not in the best possible way. Friendships that go from bad to good are often impacted strictly by the natural adversity life throws our way.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a common reason that our friendships find themselves faltering, but it’s also one of the most common factors behind passive-aggressive or increasingly toxic behavior. The ups and downs of life don’t always occur succinctly in our friendships. If one friend finds themselves succeeding at life, or love, or a career, while the other feels as though they still floundering — an iciness can pervade the relationship. This leads to increased conflict, resentment and even toxic behavioral patterns that make it impossible to remain connected in the long-term.
Bent perspectives
Our perspectives go a long way to inform the way we bond with our friends, but when these become bent or shifted by the circumstances of life we find ourselves spinning down a shadowy wormhole of confusion and toxicity. Coming to see your friends as accessories, rather than the people that love and support you (with hope of return), can lead to a dismissal of their feelings, conflict and a failure to show gratitude and respect. Toxic friends don’t see the people around them as people. They’re a means to an end.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is pervasive and it can seriously undermine the quality of our outward relationships. When you feel down on yourself or your abilities, you lash out at others in a superficial attempt to bring them down to your level. Seeing them succeed can become an outrage to you, and you can find yourself overcome with resentment and contempt. Friends with unaddressed low self-esteem can bring us down if we aren’t careful, or if we don’t safeguard our own mental and emotional wellbeing.
Complicated emotions
Emotions can be wonderful and uplifting, but they can be scary, uncomfortable and confusing too. Dealing with a lot of heavy emotions (as a result of heavy experiences) can bog us down and overwhelm us. We might run from the emotions, but the more we do this — the more we begin to see them manifest in other elements of our personality. If your relationship has shifted and gone from great to toxic, complicated or hard-to-process, emotions could be the cause.
Common signs you’re dealing with a toxic friendship.
It’s not always easy to accept the fact that you’re dealing with a toxic person in your life. We have to embrace this fact, however, in order to safeguard our happiness and protect our close circle of support. If you truly want to get past a toxic friend, you have to know the signs of a friendship that’s run bad — something which requires a brutal dose of honesty.
Selective friendship
Real friends aren’t those who reach out to you only when they need something. They also aren’t people who pick up and drop one of the people that are supposed to matter like toys. Selective friendship is a common warning sign that you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Toxic friends are those who look out for their needs and their needs alone. For this reason, they are incapable of truly bonding with others.
Inability to celebrate wins as a team
More often than not, toxic friends are self-centered and narcissistic. They’re hyper focused on themselves, only happy when they’re celebrating their own wins. Because of this, they can’t tolerate the victories of other people and won’t be there celebrating with you at the finish line. They only want to talk about their wins and the things they got right. To help you celebrate your success would be a personal affront to their own. It’s all about them, and your victories don’t matter.
Permanent victim
It’s hard to be friends with someone who always seems to be down on their luck or at the mercy of the universe. These permanent victims pose a lot of distraction and drama, and they slow us down with their constant need for emotional labor and attention. While we should be there for those that genuinely need us, the victim is the person who is forever suffering because of their own inability to take responsibility of their lives. Nothing is their fault, and everything that goes wrong is beyond their control.
Always about them
We’ve all had that self-centered friend that thinks the world revolves around them. These people become especially toxic, however, when their “me, me, me” mentality morphs into something far more sinister, like narcissism. Narcissists have little interest in your life; they rarely (if ever) ask you questions or show concern for anyone but themselves. They think only about their own desires, and they make every circumstance about their own needs and expectations. Living in their gravity is exhausting, and can lead us to lose our sense of self and joy.
Manipulation as a sport
Manipulators make toxic friends, and that’s because they know when to play nice and when to play nasty. If your friend engages in passive aggressive behavior, or throwing other friends under the bus, they might be manipulating you in order to get what they want. Manipulators use our hopes and our emotions against us, to force us into helping them get they think they want at the moment. They aren’t afraid to pull at the heartstrings and tug at the needs of their friends, if it equates to reaching their goals and satisfying their desires.
Sabotage, sabotage, sabotage
Ever noticed that everything seems to go wrong when a certain friend is around? Do you and your other friends find yourselves fighting more than usual when that person makes an entrance? Some people put on the guise of friendship in order to get close enough to sabotage our happiness. They kill the time and energy of their friends and loved ones and suck up all their resources and joy with the creation of drama that detracts from their overall journey.
Projection everywhere
We all have a tendency to project our fears and insecurities on others, but when we act on those projections or insist on treating them as reality — we push people away. It’s toxic to constantly project your shortcoming on others. It’s even more toxic to punish them, lash out, or otherwise belittle and demean them for something that’s not actually real. If your friend is forever pushing their own hangups on you, then it might be a sign your relationship is toxic.
Zero empathy; no support
A truly toxic friend is not supportive and they are never there for you when you need them…although they expect instant and fervent loyalty whenever they come calling to you with their drama. The toxic friend is one with zero empathy. They only care about themselves, so in their world there is no room for you. The point of friends is to build a support network of people that we can trust. If you aren’t getting that from someone who is supposed to be your “friend” then you aren’t really as close as you think you are.
How to deal with a friendship that’s run toxic.
Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly, dismissed or demeaned by someone. Stand up for yourself and protect your happiness and wellbeing by setting boundaries and accepting the fact that you’re dealing with a toxic person. You are the only one who can set yourself free, but that’s a process that’s going to require some work and introspection.
1. Start accepting reality
You have to accept your relationship for the reality of what it is and use that knowledge to empower yourself forward. It can be painful realizing that a friendship is not what it used to be, or not what we thought it was, but it’s critical that we do this in order to safeguard your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Start the process of letting this person go by accepting the reality of your relationship and the toxic elements they bring to it.
Accept reality and face your fears where your friend is concerned. If they’re dismissive of you — embrace it. If they lie to you, shame you, or otherwise make you feel like you aren’t good enough…embrace it. The only way you can work through the issues that you have is by acknowledging it in the first place.
With reality to hand, you will better be able to assess where you’re at and how you need to react (according to the level of toxic behavior your “friend” is exhibiting). Don’t allow yourself to be misled by delusion and by lies. Commit to reality, and use that commitment to empower yourself into better relationships, and friendships that are truly inspiring, fulfilling and supportive; the way they were always supposed to be.
2. Establish more boundaries
Boundaries are crucial when it comes to dealing with a friend who is toxic or otherwise bad (or abusive). Our boundaries are the limits by which we determine how we will be treated. They are also one way we build relationships and communicate our personal needs to the people around us — be they a romantic interest or a platonic friend that’s gone off the rails. If you want to reshape the way you deal with a negative friend or acquaintance, establish firm boundaries, and stick to them.
Think down to the very core of who you are. Consider those things which are most important to your life’s journey. What do you value most? Where do your morals lie? What behavior and treatment are you willing to accept? What unforgivable action crosses the line?
All of these answers are a part of creating the boundaries and limitations that matter to you. Once you have these things in sight, you can begin to communicate your needs directly to those who need to hear them. Stick up for yourself. Stick up for the type of friendship you want, and the type of friendship you need. Let your toxic friend know that — despite their delusions — they’re not above dealing in your law. And your law says you get treated with respect and equality at all times…or that person leaves the picture.
3. Create more space
The greatest gift you can give yourself when it comes to a toxic friendship is space. Space allows us to assess what we want, and assess the reality of our situations. It also allows us to gain a more honest perspective and handle on our relationships, as well as giving us time to formulate a plan. Don’t allow the toxic friend in your life to overwhelm you. Create more space and give yourself room to breathe and get grounded again.
Let go of that urge to answer the phone every time. Delete the text or mute them on social media. Give yourself room if you’re feeling pressured by someone that isn’t good for your mental health. Don’t feel like you always have to be there. Are they always there for you?
Giving yourself space does not make you a bad person, and it does not make you selfish. It makes you human, and it makes you a good steward of your own wellbeing. Our brains can’t take a negative bashing from negative people all the time. Even on the best of days, we have to give ourselves alone time to rest, reset and recharge — so that we can come to the people that we love full, and ready to work.
4. Find that sense of control
One of the trademark signs of a toxic friendship is the complete and utter lack of control that you might feel. Toxic friends are those who command attention, but also those who demand that everything be done their way and to their standards. Stop allowing someone else to control your life and experiences. Take charge and take back that sense of control that should be mutual to your relationship.
Don’t allow yourself to be pushed around by them and start sticking up for the way you’re feeling and the things you want. Likewise, make it known that you have your own thoughts and your own desires, and you won’t allow yourself to be manipulated by them.
Remove their power by refusing to give into their bullying tactics. Empower yourself by standing firm and refusing to rise to any provocations they might throw your way. You are in control of the way you react, and the way you behave. You’re also in control of your own environment and the people you choose to surround yourself with. Find that sense of control and re-establish your independence free of a controlling or toxic friend.
5. Reshape the way you see friendship
The way we perceive friendship has a lot to do with how we build those relationships with others. Some of us might have skewed visions on friendship, a concept we begin to build on in childhood based on the examples we see around us. If you were raised around parents or caretakers who surrounded themselves with busy and bustling people, then you’ll likely do the same. If you were someone, however, who didn’t have those examples — you might need to reshape the way you see friendship and personal allies.
Take some time to consider what friendship means to you and spend some time considering what you want and need out of such a relationship. Some of us are solitary creatures, who need distance from friends with an understanding of our emotional nuance and independence. While others needs full-time companions that accompany them on grand-schemes and adventures.
Compare these answers against the examples of friendship you’re currently surrounded with. Do they match up? Is this friendship giving you what you need to feel happy, confident and secure in it? Start reshaping the way you see friendship and come to value it as a mutual understanding and process of giving support and respect. The purpose of friends is not to be miserable. The purpose of friends is to have a support network that can help bolster you (mutually) through life.
6. Walk away
Platonic friendships are less complicated than romantic relationships, in that we are generally more able to walk away from the situation than we might be with an intimate partner or a spouse. If you’re dealing with someone who turns your life upside down at every opportunity, or someone who brings more drama than they do joy — then it might be time to consider walking away and cutting them out of your life entirely.
Stop dealing with a friendship that only has a downward trajectory. Be honest with yourself and honest with them. Do you really need this person in your life in order to feel happy? Or would your life be considerably more peaceful and stable without them?
Be honest with yourself and understand that you have a right to walk away from the situations and people that don’t serve your greater purpose. No matter what history you share with them, no matter what mutual transformations you might have undergone — there is no reason to stay in a toxic relationship of any sort. It distracts us from our purpose, and it slows down the journey we’re undertaking. Cut the cord and walk away if you’re dealing with a toxic person who refuses to change.
Putting it all together…
Our friendships can be crucial to the overall happiness of our lives, but they can also be a major detriment when they turn toxic or contrary to our long-term goals. While our friends can provide support and confidence, a bad one can also poison the heart of who we are and distract us from our higher vision of self. Stop allowing a toxic friend to hold you back or sell you short. Stand up for yourself and get determined to build friendships that heal more than harm.
Accept the reality of your relationship for what it is and stop making excuses for a toxic friend. If they loved you, they wouldn’t make you feel as though you were less worthy than you are. Create space and use that space to assess your relationship, and how it needs to change. Set more boundaries, and through those boundaries reconnect with your sense of equality and control. Friendships — like romantic relationships — should be built on respect and mutual honesty. Reshape the way you see friendship and find healthier ways to build and connect with the people who you love the most. Open up to your friend and let them know how you’re feeling. If they dismiss your emotions or refuse to make changes, then prepare yourself to walk away. We don’t owe ourselves to our friends, no matter how much history we share. Stop letting a toxic friendship destroy your sense of self. Protect your wellbeing and get proactive about creating relationships that add to the overall quality of your life.
