How to Get the Man of Your DREAMS!

‘Scuse me whilst I guffaw, but first I have to remove my mask.

Yesterday morning began a rainy day up here in Eugene, which was a fine invitation to get caught up on paperwork and writing. And Linked In invitations.

This one was a beaut. The sender is a very lovely woman in her thirties, previous model (have you ever noticed that most of our matchmakers are flat-out gorgeous enhanced white girls in their thirties and forties, who might not exactly have an issue attracting interest? But that’s just me).

This was her computer-generated, oh-so-personal invitation (bot):

Julia!

I came across your profile today and wanted to see if you’d be open to connecting. I’ve been a full-time coach for 10 years and I love supporting single, ambitious career-minded women to attract the man of their dreams. (author bolded)

Thank you for your consideration.

Look. Her profile and her website are very public so this is not doxing. Ms. Christine Campbell Pate is a professional relationship coach. Well, kindly, great. But not on Linked In.

But first and foremost, Linked In is a business site. Not a matchmaking, dating site. I find this kind of outreach where I conduct work highly inappropriate. But I am old school. Doesn’t make me wrong. It does mean my standards for business are different.

With all due respect to those who find Ms. Pate’s message appealing and who are happy to hire her to get THE MAN OF THEIR DREAMS, here is the copy from her profile, and why I have such a hard time with it. I am tagging Yael Wolfe, Kris Gage, Gillian Sisley and Acamea Deadwiler anyone else who wants to weigh in on this. The reason I’m tagging Acamea is because of an article she wrote about male dating coaches. I’m interested in her take on this language.

Here is Ms. Pate’s Linked In Profile copy (I’ve numbered and noted my responses below)

I am passionate about helping you as a coach meet and marry the strong, masculine man of your dreams. Whether you believe it today or not, you CAN have a relationship where you, as a strong, successful, career woman can be treated like a QUEEN. (1)

Wouldn’t it be nice to finish up your day of doing, hustling, leading and be greeted by your sexy man with a nice glass of wine (2), have your seat pulled out for you, and be able to RELAX into your FEMININE as your powerful partner steps into HIS ROLE as your MAN, takes the reins(3) and supports you in being the WOMAN you were born to be?

Who you attract and choose is always a reflection of who you BE (4). My job is to help you grow into the dynamic balance of strong and soft. Worthy with standards. High value and MAGNETIC to high value, commitment minded men that are searching for their ideal match as well. (5)

Every year I coach a select group of women into dating confidence and/or relationships through my virtual coaching program Attract Extraordinary Love. The sole purpose is to heal your heart (6), help you step into your power, date with feminine confidence, meet an abundance of high quality, marriage material men and ultimately help you meet, marry and keep your husband! 7)

My name is Christine Campbell Pate. I have been coaching empowerment, inner and outer confidence, self worth and femininity to thousands of women all over the world for the last 10 years. I coach women to find love through my love transformational program Attract Extraordinary Love, at my annual 3 day Love Attraction Workshop in Los Angeles, and through private one on one coaching. (8)

If your time is now and you are ready to do whatever it takes (9) to find your husband then I would love to invite you to have a private call with my love team. simply copy the case-sensitive link below, paste it into your web browser, and schedule your Attract Extraordinary Love call today! (10)

1. I already AM a Queen. I don’t need a man to prove that. So is every other woman I know. I’m already strong, and I don’t need a man to move my furniture. I can do that, with the exception of that one really big couch. I hire people for that.
2. Wine? NO. No alcohol allowed anywhere on my premises or near my person. Not after alcoholism took two male family members and twisted the only guy I (briefly) married. If I have to put up with a man, and perhaps I might once in a while, but there will be no alcohol. If he needs booze to fortify himself or get a personality, well. Not a match.
3. Take the reins= give away our power. Not. On. Your. Life. In what world has it worked to hand the reins to anyone else? If you insist on using that analogy, I have to ask whether or not I am wearing the bridle or my horse is. If the latter, you ever try to ride holding onto your own and someone else’s reins? Doesn’t work in life either. While Ms. Pate may well mean that we let someone make space for a pause, that works- but that is not the specific language she chooses here. In another context, giving the reins to men has led to the world we currently have. Every time we give away our power it costs. So, nobody “takes the reins.”
4. Who you BE? Sounds like cultural appropriation to me. If that’s not how you normally talk, I suggest Grammarly. You BE a white girl, Ms. Pate. Talk like one. Please. Professional sites really do need professional copy.
5. Grammarly. It’s easy to use.
6. Healing my heart is my work. Not only that I’ve yet to read anything in your copy that speaks to the work you’ve done to heal yours. You ever been raped or sexually assaulted? Since massive numbers of us have, I wonder just how you propose to heal that just through getting us a sexy man, since said oversexed men were our problem to begin with? Just getting a man doesn’t heal us. Sometimes all that does is add additional problems if we’ve not done the deep work first. Especially if they haven’t done the deep work either. When are men, especially white men, going to heal themselves, and by that, perhaps make them worth loving?
7. I love this: Date marry and keep your husband. First, I have little interest any more in marrying anyone for any reason. Second, why are so few people bothering to teach MEN how to date, marry and keep us women? Or more importantly, learn how to walk through the hard stuff, when it gets hard, and it will? Why is the emphasis always on what we women have to do to get, earn and keep a man? This one’s yours, Acamea. What happens when the guys expect US to be perfect forever while their bodies expand, their health suffers, they get angry, resentful and ill, yet we’re supposed to suck their disappearing dicks, walk around the house in a corset and high heels and be fucking grateful we have a MAN? And then we get to be full-time caretakers for the rest of our existence? Help me understand how this is a good deal, Ms. Pate. Especially later in life, when many of us like the life we have as it is.
8. Grammarly. It’s easy to use.
9. Many of us, too many of us, have indeed done whatever it took, and that has taken our lives away from us. Years and years if not our entire adult existence. Doing whatever it takes to get a man is the part of the problem. I might suggest that we do whatever it takes to get a LIFE. If a man shows up, and if he’s the right one, FINE. But doing whatever it takes to get love, get a man, you’re in the wrong century. I would do what it takes to live my dream life. In fact, that’s precisely what I’m smack in the middle of right now. I haven’t dreamed about men for more than a decade. Why? The last one was that much of a nightmare. So were most of the ones before that, beginning with my big brother, who committed incest. Heal that by telling me that all I need is a man to take the reins? Too many already took too much. I’m not feeling particularly generous any more.

I’m not a bad looking old broad. But being a fairly attractive woman didn’t do shit for my dating life. Lots of men wanted silent arm candy.

What gets in the way of my dating life is my lifestyle. Men within spitting distance of my age largely disapprove of my adventure travel, my body building, my out-loud way of life. I have my own house, my own money, my own very distinct voice and being. I am not willing to tone it down to get a man, whose delicate ego is offended by what I do for a living and for joy.

This is what I look like today:

At 67, I’m still not a bad-looking broad. But now I’m too old, I have wrinkles, and I’m expected to be grateful for the opportunity to be some old man’s nurse. I ride horses, scuba, skydive, bungee jump, river raft, hike, climb large mountains, body-build, kayak, anything but snow sports. I’m writing another book, rebuilding a life in a new place, selling and buying a house, planning a return to adventure travel (I hope). I don’t need a man to do any of this. If anything I have found too many of them to be major obstacles in my quest to have the life I want to live. I keep having to give up far too many parts of who I am just to have company.

I don’t need a dick when the dicks who have those dicks are just, well,

DICKS.

It isn’t worth it.

Ms. Pate, show me a man who isn’t deeply threatened by a woman who does all those things, who does not need protection, and I will show you a real man. A REAL man. A man who understands that some of us do not want constant company, prefer to live alone, and are too busy to take on the care and feeding of the overly delicate (especially an aging) male ego.

I haven’t met many of those men in the course of my long life. Those who are, have ended up close friends, or they’re already married. I dearly love them, and they are taken. The women who have them are fortunate indeed, but don’t always know it. Isn’t that so often the case.

The times I did do whatever it took to get or keep a penis in my life I lost years, even decades waiting around. Time lost hoping. Dreaming. What anger I have about that is directed at myself for drinking the Koolaid about a dream man. Nobody’s fault but my own.

There is no “man of my dreams.” Not only is that a false narrative, an absolute fairly tale, it’s embarrassing to read those words on a Linked In profile. A fifth of the way through the 21st Century, no less. The pitch falls flat on its face.

And with all due respect, Linked In is a business site, not the place to market matchmaker services. We already are consumed by scammers who hijack our emails and try to convince us to respond to their fake emails. As several folks have commented to me both privately and below, not the place. Just, not the place.

I would prefer to paddle the white water in my own play boat, by myself. At least that way I know I can keep myself off the rocks.