How To Get People To Open Up And Build Stronger Relationships
Psychological and neurochemical tips to improve social bonding
As humans, we engage regularly in social interactions: we discuss with colleagues at work; chat with friends at the bar; have dinner with our families. Interpersonal relationships are a core aspect of our lives, from the moment we are born to the day we die. Research shows that the way we interact with others shapes our personal development and helps us define who we are. [¹,²]
However, most social relationships are shallow and more or less situational: what keeps you in such a relationship is mostly its context rather than its substance. Think of how you casually talk with a fellow colleague or classmate about your day or work-related stuff without really being bound to each other. If you were never to meet each other again, neither would care much.
Meaningful relationships, on the other hand, don’t require an activity or situation to keep you bound; they are not instrumental, but rather affectional. You don’t even need to talk to enjoy spending time together. And if you were to be separated, you would miss each other.
Why build better relationships
There are many reasons why people could want to build strong relationships. A deeper connection allows you to learn more about someone, discover similarities, enjoy, and share quality time. You might also be interested in other humans’ psyches and ways of life.
Some people, like me, wish to help those in need and share their love. Getting the other to open up is the first step toward establishing a meaningful relationship and letting love in. Consequently, you are also more likely to receive help through hard times.
In a 2010 meta-analysis totaling 300,000 participants, social relationships were linked to significant health improvements and increased longevity. Researchers suggest that human interactions also have an indirect positive impact on the endocrine system in addition to other more mechanical and direct influences like material and emotional support and stability. [³]
In this article, I’ll talk about how to get people to open up and share their inner psyche, and how to build stronger, more meaningful human connections.
Exposure and trust
Picture the following scene. Two men standing before each other three meters apart. Each holds a loaded handgun pointed straight at the other’s chest. Neither wants to shoot and still neither drops the gun. Tension’s at its peak and the air is dense and hard to breathe. Both know the other isn’t willing to fight while also doesn't want to be defenseless. The only way to get off this stall situation is if one drops the gun first.
However dramatic, this example highlights the importance of opening yourself up first if you want to build trust with the other person. People usually feel more comfortable engaging in deeper conversations when they know they aren’t the only ones being exposed, especially when talking about delicate topics.
Now, what all of this means to you depends on your specific case. All people are different and the same is true of how you should approach them. Some people may open up if you share a dream of yours or even a problem of yours they have personally dealt with or are thoughtful about. Others may be induced into a deeper conversation when asked for help or an opinion on a non-superficial topic.
Interest and care
There’s no magic formula for people’s feelings. However, everybody likes to be listened to. If you want someone to open up, you have to give them the opportunity to express themselves by listening. It’s no secret that good listeners can build trust faster. Showing interest and care is the first step toward making someone feel comfortable with you. And feelings of comfort and safety are essential to healthy relationships.
When in a conversation, don’t shift the topic toward yourself: You must let the other talk without getting interrupted. Suddenly shifting arguments can be interpreted as a lack of interest, which is the opposite of what you want. It’s okay to be the leader in a conversation, but you shouldn’t become the main subject. Speaking of leading talks, it’s important to ask relevant questions and show genuine interest in the conversation. It’s upsetting to talk to someone who doesn’t show care or is just waiting for their turn to speak.
When asking questions, be sure not to get overly invasive. Everyone is different and there’s no universal rule to determine how someone will react to personal questions. This leads us to one of the most important aspects of a relationship: feedback. While you cannot know what a person is thinking or feeling, you should pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal feedback. If the other seems to feel uncomfortable in a certain situation or with a topic, try to back up a little. If you think so, try asking them directly whether they feel uncomfortable. If you guess it right, they probably will appreciate your care.
Now, feedback can range from a change in facial expression or voice tone to subtle finger movements. A slight tremble or a sudden halt can have a hidden meaning. The human body is a thoroughly interconnected system where one part can affect every other in unexpected ways, and attention is essential to noticing these low-key reactions. And if you think you noticed something but you’re not sure, you can always ask, which can be interpreted as a sign of genuine interest.
Respect and commitment
Everyone deserves respect, regardless of their ideas, beliefs, and defects. When you’re trying to get inside someone’s armor, you should pay special attention to take them as they are without judging or criticizing them for their ideas. There’s no better way to make people get defensive than through criticism, which is exactly the opposite of what you’re looking for. For that, you should wait until you have built enough confidence in order not to sound like an attacker. As for what that means exactly, it varies from person to person.
When talking about sensitive topics, you should try to use a calm and secure voice. Don’t rush your speech, and don’t laugh at at what the other says unless they do it first or set up a joke. You can never know their feelings on the matter and you don’t want to risk inappropriate laughter as it would likely make them feel uncomfortable.
Also, once you have built a nice relationship, you should make the effort to maintain it. As I’ve said before, social connections require bilateral effort to live on. So, don’t vanish or let the other down.
Neurochemistry and activities
Social bonding, like many other psychological activities, is regulated by neurotransmitters and hormones. Among others, oxytocin and dopamine have been shown to play an important role in the formation of social bonds. [⁵]
Oxytocin is released during activities such as physical labor, both sexual and non-sexual touching of the skin, and food intake. [⁶] This suggests that performing physically demanding tasks like sports or labor, body contact, and eating together can enhance social bonding. Sharing exciting experiences is also beneficial to the strengthening of relationships due to the release of dopamine in the brain.
Another science-backed activity for getting people to open up is having a drink. Alcohol acts as a depressant that reduces inhibition and stress, which can in turn help to express yourself more freely. However, you should pay attention not to overdo it, as it can have the opposite effect when the brain tries to re-establish the neurochemical balance. [⁴]
Conclusion
Social relationships are complicated and there are no fixed rules to follow when it comes to connecting and bonding. The most important thing is therefore to watch carefully for feedback and adapt to the specific situation. Also, you shouldn't press it too much: if the other person isn’t interested in forming a bond or opening up, you shouldn’t force them or you might be perceived as annoying and invasive.
I hope you enjoyed this article. If you have anything to say, please share your thoughts in a comment. Thanks for reading!
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References
[1]: OpenStax. Psychology 2e. Stages of Development