How To Forgive Yourself And Release The Past
Six ways to life live on your own terms
Many of us recognize forgiveness as a positive act. It sets us free from anger and resentment, two feelings that not only feel bad, but also affect our physical health while keeping us from living authentically and experiencing the wonders of life. We work on forgiving others, but what about forgiving ourselves?
Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook, nor is it a sign of weakness.
The act of forgiveness, whether you are forgiving yourself or someone who has wronged you, does not suggest that you are condoning the behavior.
It means that you accept what has happened, and you are ready to move past it and move on with your life without mulling over past situations that cannot be changed.
I have learned first-hand that self-forgiveness is a conscious release of self-directed bitterness and self-inflicted pain.
I had spent my entire childhood being mistreated by others, wondering if I was to blame or simply not enough, until one night I awoke with a start. I suddenly realized that anyone who would inflict such cruelty upon a child was no doubt treated quite cruelly themselves.
The experiences, the myriad of ways that one can be mistreated, didn’t begin with me.
I went back over the most painful experiences that I had withstood with the clarity that not only did I not cause them, but that the persons who inflicted this pain were victims of the abuse they perpetrated.
This does not make those actions right in any sense, but it allowed me to see my abusers as innocent children, abused themselves, looking for love.
With that realization, I was able to begin forgiving myself for thinking that I was to blame or simply not enough. I forgave myself for not speaking up and for letting past wounds dictate my future.
This doesn’t mean that I still don’t experience frustration at my mother whose mental illness prevents her from remembering me and my brother’s childhood, but it does mean that I can forgive.
I take the higher road, because I believe and validate my experiences (with the help of trusted trauma therapist), and I know my own truth. That can never be taken away from me.
It wasn’t quick or simple, and I had to do a lot of mourning over the childhood I never had, but it was through this forgiveness that life took on a luminous brilliance brimming with glimmers of true self-forgiveness and hope.
I found that it was possible to escape the entanglement of guilt that caused me to always be striving and doing, instead of simply being.
And somehow treating my son with all the kindness and love in the world healed the child within me, and most importantly, demonstrated that love and compassion are always within our reach, and it all started with self-forgiveness.
The only person who we can control is ourselves, and we do have the power to release internal pain, no matter how deeply encoded it may be in our sense of self.
When we reach this place of self-forgiveness, compassion, realization, and understanding, then true self-forgiveness can start to take place.
We can begin to accept ourselves and our lives. It’s not an easy process, but it is liberating and a crucial step in letting go of shame, blame, and bitterness.
Why practice self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiveness is rooted in compassion for ourselves and others. It isn’t an all-or-nothing transformation. It’s a process of letting go and creating essential space within.
This relinquishment of blame and responsibility allows us to view negative events and feelings in an objective way, while simultaneously allowing the healing that unconditional love, compassion, and kindness can bring.
If we do not forgive ourselves, internal despair and depression over the past will create a well-worn path of shame-based behaviors, which ultimately leads us to behave in harmful ways.
Our emotional experiences, if we don’t process and release them, follow us no matter where we are and no matter the situation.
Pain doesn’t simply evaporate with a perfect job, relationship, money, or success.
Self-forgiveness requires that we open our hearts, discover what causes our pain, and then release it so that it can no longer influence our behavior and choices.
We’ve been told that we should forgive others, but to forgive ourselves give us the fortuitous key that unlocks our capacity for joy, love, and compassion.
No matter our past, most of us can benefit from self-forgiveness. Studies indicate that self-forgiveness can improve our mental, emotional, and physical health.
Everett Worthington, Ph.D., has been studying forgiveness for nearly a decade. As he says, “Forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem. When people are beaten down by injustice, you know who they end up not liking? Themselves. When you stand up to the pain of what happened to you and offer goodness to the person who hurt you, you change your view of yourself.” Source
Here are six effective steps to forgive yourself
1. Visualize yourself as an innocent child, looking for love and healthy attachment. Unconstrained, we all have the capability to pass on our hurts, betrayals, and shames, even if unconsciously. Viewing yourself through a lens of unconditional love and compassion allows you to broaden your perspective toward real growth, acceptance, and self-forgiveness.
2. Focus on the positive. Relish, absorb, and notice good things about yourself; seek them out and appreciate them. Express gratitude by writing down three things that you value about yourself and three positive things in your life. Try to do this each day.
3. Recognize that you are doing the best that you can with what you currently have. Life is laden with obstacles and challenges, and we all could use support and understanding. Give yourself this gift.
4. Use it as an opportunity for growth. Ask yourself, “How can I grow from this experience? What was this trying to teach me?” Look past surface transgressions and injustices to discover a unique meaning that fosters greater growth and development.
5. Give yourself some compassion. Love and forgive yourself for situations you couldn’t have possibly prevented. See the big picture of your life and remember that, while we all make mistakes, we all deserve to be forgiven and loved.
6. Realize that self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves, and it’s always available when we seek it. Of course, it takes conscious and dedicated effort, but it is always accessible yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Forgiveness isn’t about wiping out the past but about envisioning and building a bold new future.
Appreciate your missteps for what they are, a stepping stone on your unique path.
And as much as possible, leave everything in the past, and focus on your future as it’s the only thing you can work towards and change.
