How To Flirt And Not Harass
Hint: It’s a dialogue, not a monologue
Some men have expressed recently that they no longer know how to flirt. They are afraid that if they attempt to do so that they’ll be slapped with sexual harassment allegations. Some of these men are even well-known ones, like Superman actor, Henry Cavill, who famously told GQ Australia in a July, 2018 interview that he longed for a simpler time when men could chase women, and no didn’t have to be taken at face value. I think it’s quite possible that such men didn’t really know how to flirt in the first place. What’s more likely is that they knew how to impose themselves on various women with a greater or lesser degree of success.
Flirting is first and foremost a dialogue or a dance. If one partner is doing all the talking or all the moves, that isn’t flirting, it’s a monologue and it might be somewhere between annoying, stalking, and harassment. Women can be bad flirters too, so rather than focus entirely on the don’ts, let’s talk more about the dos.
Do make eye contact frequently. It’s been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul and noticing what’s going on with your flirting partner's eyes is a great way to judge how things are going. Someone who is into you and enjoying what you are doing/saying is more likely to hold your gaze. Someone who wishes this conversation was over and they were somewhere else will most likely be looking at that elsewhere. Sometimes a non-interested flirtee will look you in the eyes as a matter of politeness, but it’s important to notice whether their eyes look warm and inviting, or more like a cornered rabbit? You can’t truly flirt with prey.
Do pay attention to their body language. Are they leaning in towards you, touching your arm from time to time, or otherwise indicating an interest in being close? Someone who has their arms crossed or is half-turned away from you is probably letting you know that your interest is not reciprocated — unless the expression on their face and in their eyes suggests otherwise.
Do say flirty things, make double entendres, or even suggestive comments, but only if you have first ascertained that such things are at all welcomed. Is the regular conversation flowing and easy? Are you making good eye contact and getting receptive body language? Then, and only then, is the time to float something a bit more saucey. If this elicits nervous laughter and pulling back from an otherwise engaged demeanor, stop right there. If you’ve really overstepped, you might even want to make an apology.
“Sorry, I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable.”
If you’ve just met or are passing them on the street, saying something sexual to someone or otherwise demonstrating overt interest in them is not flirting, it’s harassment. Speaking in that way to someone that you already know, but don’t have that kind of relationship with is also out of line. If you want to develop that kind of a relationship with someone, you have to establish it by first going through the Dos as described above. Otherwise, it’s a monologue, and flirting is always, always a dialogue.
Are you trying to be in a mating dance or are you trying to exert your rights, your dominance, or your belief in being entitled to someone else’s attention? Forcing someone else to talk with you, smile for you, or be the subject of comments that are not appropriate for the relationship is not flirting. Most sexual harassment is not flirting that has gone awry but is instead a form of aggression and dominance posturing. If you are truly flirting, you will be in a conversation, a dance, a give and take. Harassment is predatory, it’s a monologue aimed at someone, not having a conversation with them.
Flirting is always a dialogue; a two-way street…. always!
© Copyright Elle Beau 2019 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.
