How to Embrace Your Regrets to Have a Better Life

What if you could love your regrets?

The pain of regrets is the worst that exists.

It eats you alive as you stare at your past. It reminds you over and over you could have done better. You could have been better.

Despite how much they hurt, I wouldn’t get rid of my regrets for anything in the world. I love how much I hate my past self. And I hate how much I love my past self as well.

The vast majority of what I’ve learned in my life comes from regrets. They are at the core of my happiness because I have taken the time to embrace them.

Remember what happened

The worst regrets are the ones you don’t spend time reflecting on. There’s something to take from each experience but you need to spend time on them first.

That time you didn’t have the guts to tell that girl you liked her. That time you didn’t speak up at an important meeting when your idea was better. That time you gave up on learning a new language.

You think you remember those but how much can you actually recall?

What was the reason you used to justify to yourself those decisions? What was the context in which these experiences happened? How did you feel at the time? What were the girl’s eyes telling you? How did the other people in the meeting discuss?

There are many experiences I thought I remembered until I took a closer look at them.

It was when I took the time to look at my relationship with one of my ex that I realized my I never truly understood why she broke up with me or what I could have done better. I regretted the way our relationship ended and left it at that. After reflection, I contacted her to learn more about myself.

It was when I remembered times with my childhood friend that I noticed how much I could have supported him when he started diving into a vicious circle that made him cut himself from the outside world, myself included.

When you don’t spend time reflecting on your regrets, you only see the surface. It’s only when you start digging that you can learn from them.

And that’s the goal.

Spend time alone and write

I started writing about 2 years ago online and about 3 years ago in a journal. When I look at regrets older than that, I notice how much less I remember. Details that might have seemed obvious back then now aren’t.

I can barely remember a frown that hurt from another ex during my stay in her dorm in Copenhagen a summer 6 years ago. I know there are regrets from that day but I cannot pinpoint them because I have no trigger available.

Writing is a form of therapy. It forces you to put images and feelings into words. This isn’t easy when you’re hurting. Words seem to lack the strength you need to express the pain you feel. The word “Regret” doesn’t even seem enough to express the regrets you have.

Yet, they are better than no word at all. Feelings change. Written words don’t. By writing them, you get to immortalize the feelings so you can understand them better later.

I can remember my breakup with my last girlfriend because I wrote a story about it. I can remember the regrets I felt later because I wrote again about it. I can also remember the evolution of feelings because I mentioned it in my journal many times.

It is through writing that we get to become self-aware. And self-awareness is the most important basic need to make our lives better.

Write a line or write 5 pages if you want. Length doesn’t matter. What matters is for you to immortalize a past so you can learn from it.

How would I act if the same situation arose today?

What happened happened. Or, in many cases when it comes to regrets, what didn’t happen didn’t happen.

No matter which one it is, you can learn from the experience. After spending time reflecting on your regrets, you can find what you would have done differently.

Life never repeats itself exactly but similar situations arise all the time. By learning from your previous regrets, you can avoid adding to the list.

You can create a better present and future.

My last relationship ended, in part, because of a lack of communication. I kept my worries to myself and let my mind have fun with some crazy thoughts. I misunderstood her and chose to see thoughts as facts.

Because I wrote about those in my journal many times, I can notice when my mind goes on a rampage next time and stop it before it spirals out of control. If the same situation happened again with someone else, I could be a better boyfriend, instead of an ex-boyfriend.

Because I spent a lot of time reflecting on my wailing relationship with my childhood friend, I know how supportive I will be the next time I get to meet him again.

Don’t reflect on the past to sulk. Reflect on your regrets so you can have less in the future.

How to do when you know you’ll regret something

There are those times you do something well-aware that you’ll regret.

You’re drunk and decide to skip the last train even though you have a though presentation coming up. You choose to leave a country you love. You decide to quit a job you don’t dislike to try something you might be awful at.

Even though I am leaving Japan soon, I’ve recently met a girl I came to like. The signs are clear though. I am leaving Japan to go to the other side of the planet. The earliest we could meet again after I leave is in exactly one year. Is there a potential future? There isn’t, unfortunately.

Telling each other we liked each other may not have been the best decision of my life. I know I will regret it. I also know I would have regretted not saying it. At least, I can experience happiness for a while and then treasure it.

When you know you’ll regret a decision, you aren’t making a better or worse decision. You’re just choosing one you will regret less.

In such cases, turn to your past regrets and pull out what you learned from them. Then, focus on the present. Focus on all the positive coming from this decision and write about the experience often. Whether the impact on your future will be positive or not, it doesn’t matter.

Regrets are unavoidable. Running away from them is running away from a learning opportunity.

It is because we regret past experiences that we can enjoy a better present. Happiness exists alongside sadness. Fun exists alongside boring.

Regrets exist to help us create a better future.

Don’t hate your regrets. Embrace them. They are here to help you live a beautiful life.