I Contacted an Ex Ready to Be Hurt

“What hurts you, blesses you.” — Rumi

Four years ago, I was in a relationship that made me discover love. It wasn’t meant to be. It isn’t even the best relationship I’ve ever been in. But it was beautiful for a little while and for that single reason, I am thankful for it.

We had very different lives but our paths crossed one night and we ended up going out for about 8 to 9 months. We went through the honeymoon period first. But then routine and problems started arising. We let many of them pass and she broke it off one day.

It hurt for a while but I got over it and found a great girlfriend later. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out either but that’s a different story.

Recently, while talking to a common friend, I got to know this ex is going to move in with her current boyfriend. Somehow, instead of feeling hurt, I felt happiness. Her being happy made me smile. I didn’t feel jealous or anything. I was genuinely glad to hear such good news for her.

Later during the day, I thought back to that relationship. It felt like a lifetime away. But questions arose. What had gone wrong? What could have been better? What errors did I do and repeat in my next relationship? How was I a good person? How wasn’t I? What seemed like virtues in her eyes? What seemed like flaws?

Does she have all the answers? I don’t think so. Some of what she thinks probably is wrong.

Could she help me learn more about who I am? Yes. There has to be some stuff I haven’t thought of. Some aspects of myself I haven’t noticed and thus haven’t worked on.

And so, I texted her.

I asked her to consider meeting up to talk, telling her why I wanted to do so. It ended up being a really long message. But it was necessary to not get misunderstood.

Typing it made me smile, shake, and worry. Sending it made me sweat.

Am I ready for this?

She can say no, of course. She doesn’t owe me anything and may even have blocked out her memories of our time. Or maybe she’ll say yes and say truly hurtful things.

Yet, what if she says yes? That may be one of the best opportunities I could get to have a second honest opinion on who I am. My last ex-girlfriend gave me a lot of insights and I am grateful for it. But she was also very different from the previous one. And, as such, her take on me could show a clearer picture of myself.

I’m afraid and I’m excited.

Will she even reply? If she doesn’t, it will hurt too. After opening my heart to hear harsh truths, not getting the opportunity itself would be painful. This scares me.

But if she replies, I’d also get hurt by hearing things I may not be ready to handle. This scares me, too.

I have changed since then. A whole lot. I barely recognize myself when I think of my old self. — The difference in how much hair I have now compared to back then isn’t helping! — But the basis of who I am hasn’t changed. I have evolved in many ways. But if I am overlooking a key part of who I am, I may meet a limit.

I don’t want such a limit. And for this reason, this potential talk is exciting to me. I could learn a lot. I could discover more about myself. I could also not get anything “useful” out of this conversation.

Either way though, I will have tried. If I get something out of it, awesome. If not, I’ll have done something uncomfortable. Something scary. Something most people would avoid.

Also, something I would have avoided at all cost a few years ago.

The ball is in her court now. No matter what happens next, I’ll have grown. From the effort of having an open heart, ready to be hurt, for my greater good.

Let’s see how this goes!

EDIT: She agreed to meet! But she won’t be able to meet for a while, unfortunately. So, To be continued.