How to Embrace Your Partner’s Differences and Boost Your Happiness
It’s not just the smart thing to do….You can’t change them anyway!
A cigar is never just a cigar.
You know those arguments that play on a continuous loop? You didn’t… You should have... Why did you…?
If you’ve ever been part of a couple, you know what I mean.
It’s never about laundry or child care and who forgot the milk again. The root of every argument is difference.
How could it be otherwise? From how we brush our teeth to what defines a “good time,” each of us is unique.
What’s the big deal about difference?
So why go ballistic when your partner throws dirty clothes onto a pile that grows over the course of the week? You fold everything neatly and put it away?
What’s the harm in leaving the counter strewn with crumbs or even a little sticky. Your partner prowls the kitchen with a sponge in hand?
Admit it: Don’t you sleep just as well in a sheets without hospital corners —the way you make a bed?
Differences have a way of growing, even turning against you. When your partner does something you can wouldn’t do, you are amazed, assaulted, insulted, enraged. How can your beloved believe or act that way?
The problem is, differences don’t go away. Contrary to popular lore, you can’t tweak another person, even if it’s done with the best and most loving intention.
Which is why you should judiciously avoid pop psychology articles promising “easy ways” to “make him listen” or “get her to have sex more often.”
The only person’s behavior you can change is YOURS.
I get the desire to tweak, believe me. It’s an occupational hazard. I have been writing advice for a living since the early 90s, and before that I wrote educational materials and teacher’s guides.
In short, I’ve literally made a career out of telling people how to think and what to do. I’ve researched and learned a lot. As a result, I tend to think I know better. That, my friends it is relationship poison.
And it doesn’t work. Trying to change anyone is a losing battle.
My dear Aunt Ruth was the first to point this out. She was 21 years older, a remarkable and elegant woman, whom I first got to know in my thirties. We talked about everything. She often peppered our conversations with wise truisms, like this one:
People get married, hoping they’ll change the other person. But they don’t change. The other person just becomes more of who they are.
12 Reminders: What to Do Instead
Granted, Aunt Ruth’s wisdom is hard to remember, even for me who is supposed to know better when it comes to relationships. Physician, heal thyself.
Hard, but not impossible — so it’s worth a try. Take the following reminders to heart and, better yet, discuss them with your partner.
Note: This advice applies to all kinds of relationships. But if you can handle differences with a life partner or someone you’re dating and hope to be with, you’ll get better at managing other twosomes as well.
1. Remind yourself WHY you chose your partner.
As my late mother-in-law often remarked about a well-suited couple, “The rocks in his head fill the holes in hers.” It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one with holes or rocks, something (including your differences) makes the two of you “work.” Ask yourself which of your partner’s qualities enrich your life. Sense of humor? generosity? work ethic? What is your partner good at? What traits of theirs make you feel happy, safe, and loved? In what situations are your differences beneficial?
2. Accept that differences are normal.
The jury is still out on whether we chose a mate for “opposite” qualities, but no matter how many values and interests you have in common, you are bound to see life through different prisms. Love and/or cohabitation will not magically change that. You have been influenced in big and small ways by your family, your history, your experiences, and everyone you’ve met on the way to this relationship.
3. Changing your partner is none of your business.
It’s not your job to shape your mate. Their destiny is not in your hands. And another thing: Who says your partner needs correcting and tweaking? Remember, this is the person you chose, warts and all. You can be a supportive helpmate, a sounding board, a second in command — even a power of example — just stay in your own boat.
4. Be a compassionate fact-finder.
Rather than judging and making assumptions about why your partner hangs their pants over the closet door instead of in the closet as you do, ask: I’m not trying to tell you what to do or to criticize you. I really just want to know why you hang your pants over the door? Did someone in your family do it like that? Is it a habit from college? the army? Is it to avoid ironing them? Understanding can ease you into acceptance.
5. Make a hot-button list.
A problem can’t be solved until it’s identified and named. Start easy, with things your partner does that you don’t like or do differently. Then imagine your partner’s list. (Or do this together.) Everything each of you does is grounds for comparison: how you answer the phone, squeeze the toothpaste, treat friends, come to a decision. Documenting your hot spots might enable you to anticipate them and intercede before tempers flare.
6. When you comment or offer advice, listen to yourself.
The problem with complaining, second-guessing, or micromanaging about how something should be done, is what the other persons hears: “You did this wrong/ poorly” and “I would love your more if you did the way I do.” Do you really want to say that? Can you imagine how that feels on the receiving end? If not, try harder. Stopping yourself from unleashing words that wound is key to relationship success.
7. Know what’s behind YOUR urge to tweak.
I learned from a wise therapist that focusing on what my partner “should” be doing is often a sign that I need to think about my own life. Now, when I start to “launch,” I take a breath and step back for a bit of introspection. Am I feeling lonely? sad? out of control? Am I pushing feelings down by putting the spotlight elsewhere? Once in touch with my own feelings and needs, I am less inclined to reform, accuse, or attack. Just as important, I don’t put my partner on the defensive.
8. Learn how to ask for what you need.
Asking is hard, and your different prisms can make it harder. You need order, but your partner doesn’t even see the mess. Lead with your feelings. Explain what you need and why — and ask for help. Be clear about your intention: I’m not trying to get you to do something different or change you. I’m just tell you what’s up for me and asking you to help me figure it out.
9. Choose the relationship.
For a love partnership to survive and thrive, both parties have to be willing to take care of the relationship — a precious entity that is uniquely of the two of you. Imagine your coupledom as a cauldron. Each of you pours into the pot your personalities, your pasts and — the only thing you can monitor — your words and deeds. Criticizing contaminates the container. Before you speak or act, it’s best to ask yourself, Is this going to hurt or improve our relationship?
10. Plan ahead to make better choices.
When my partner puts a jelly jar back into the fridge without wiping it down, I want to point out how “wrong” or “bad” that is (and, regrettably, I sometimes do). However, that option is harmful to our relationship. Doesn’t it make sense to anticipate and plan other possible reactions that will make “Us” better? For example, I could…
…wipe the jar after she leaves the kitchen. And, just as important, don’t say anything about it later. Whenever you pick up, rearrange, or redo something in your partner’s wake, keep it to yourself. Tweaking-after-the-fact is just as deleterious as correcting in the moment.
…let it go. Stop obsessing over that glob of jam on the side. This choice requires a bit of self-talk: How important is it? There are no ants in our refrigerator. Even if that glob congeals, it can be scraped off with a knife later.
11. Be honest; allow yourself to be vulnerable.
The last time I had a sticky-jar moment in my kitchen, I finally told myself the truth: My partner will never be me in the kitchen. Then, I shared why I had a “thing” about sticky jars. For the 22 years I lived under my parents’ roof, I watched my mother wipe jars before putting them away. I was only 29 when she died. Still, I somehow absorbed her ability to write and to run a kitchen. I feel her presence in me every time I wipe a jar. Knowing this, my partner is less likely to regard my (over)reaction as a personal attack.
12. Remedy “slips” immediately.
Who knows how my next sticky-jar moment will go? Ideally, my higher, wiser self will grant me serenity and a sealed mouth. But the root of my neurosis — a need to advise everyone (there’s a story behind that, too) — are deep. When I slip, I try to follow up with an apology: Sorry. You have your way of doing things and I have mine. I’ll try harder next time to remember that.
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