Mind

How to Effectively Deal with Your Inner Critic

Try this BOLD Approach

Do you know you have an inner-critic? You know, that almost inaudible voice in your head that is always judging you, putting you down, and comparing you to others. Yes, the one that keeps pointing out to you that you’re not good enough or smart enough and even tells you things you would never dream of saying to anyone.

Maybe you are aware of this inner-critic, and perhaps you think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is often not the case. This inner critical voice left unchecked can keep you from trying new things and stop you from living the life you truly desire. It can hinder your emotional well-being and may even lead to you feeling down or anxious.

So— If self-criticism is potentially psychologically destructive, why might it exist?

Science of Why You’re So Hard on Yourself

In the 1950s, Carl Rogers, Ph.D., wrote about a kind of “conditional positive regard” where praise and approval depend upon the child behaving in ways that the parents think as acceptable. According to Rogers, conditional positive regard toward oneself often led to excessive approval-seeking and self-criticism in adulthood.

In the past decade, scientific research has attempted to explore self-criticism specifically. Studies have revealed strong correlations between negative self-talk and psychological difficulties such as depression, anxiety, perfectionism and eating disorders, self-harm, and more.

Further clues about the neurological correlates of self-criticism have started to emerge . In a recent study, researchers used fMRI to study activation patterns in the brain related to self-criticism and self-reassurance. This study revealed a significant association between self-criticism and the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC) of the brain. The DLPFC is said to be involved in error detection and behavioral response inhibition, among other functions. These findings suggest that one role of self-criticism is to keep us safe from dangerous, repetitive behaviors, and possibly life-threatening errors.

In other words, the same brain mechanism that is quite helpful in protecting us from picking up a dangerously sharp object again becomes quite annoying when this inner-critical voice starts to ring angrily in our heads for not returning your sister’s phone call on-time or returning the library book a little too late —left unchecked it’s not hard to see where our inner critic can easily assume excess power.

So, Once we know our inner critic may have a strong presence, how can we respond? Try the BOLD approach to silencing your inner critic.

Become aware — Know Your Inner Critic.

The very first step to overcoming inner-critic is to get to know it. Most of our thinking is automatic. The internal critical thinking flies comfortably under the radar of conscious thought, and we barely notice it. To become aware of our inner voice, start by giving attention to your thoughts, ALL of them.

Over time this will help you recognize the critical voice. Pay attention to the emotional clues that indicate that critic is hard at work: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always a result of your inner dialogue.

How: Start by keeping a thought log. There are several different ways to do this. One method is to fill out a daily mood log once a day for a week. Start by describing a situation or an event, how you felt about it, and finally try to list all the thoughts that might be present — both positive and negative.

For example, Let’s say that on Monday, you had a job interview at your dream company — you were a few minutes late to the meeting, and you left the room doubting your chances for a callback. Perhaps you felt anxious, upset, disappointed, and maybe even angry — those would be feelings that accompany that event.

Finally, the thoughts behind those feelings might be: “I am not good enough” or “I should not have been late” or “It’s so unfair that I was asked those questions” or “I do not belong here if I couldn’t even make the interview” or “They can see the fraud that I am”.

These types of inner dialogue are almost always the work of an overly enthusiastic inner-critic.

Observe — Separate Yourself.

Think of your inner critic as if it is a parasite, feeding energy off you. No one is born with this parasite — chances are you contracted it along the way. Perhaps it found its entry in the form of messages from our parents, school, friends, relatives, social media, etc.

Your inner critic still hopes it can hide and blend in and that you’ll believe that these thoughts are your own. Once you start to observe the true nature, you can learn to separate it from your authentic self.

How: One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming adventure. You could call your inner critic anything from “Mr. Know-it-all Crusher ” to “Miss. Negativity” to “Mrs. Annoying” or “Mr. Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter, and the key is the start to see yourself separate from this parasite.

Learn — TalkBack

To take power away from your inner critic, you’ve got to empower your authentic voice to be bigger than the critic. As soon as you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, emphatically tell it to keep quiet. “No one wants to listen to you, Mr. Crusher.”

Tell it that you are on to this, that you know it is a big, fat liar, and that you want it to go away. If you’re going to make this voice recoil, tell it you are choosing to be kind to yourself from now on.

How: Practice self-compassion. Luckily it’s a learnable skill. You can use the same techniques you might use to teach compassion towards others. Start by taking care of your body, take time to choose healthy food, rest, go for a massage, or take a walk.

Write a letter with a compassionate tone towards self. Encourage yourself. Think of what you would say to a good friend if they were facing a difficult or stressful situation. Try Practicing mindfulness — it can be a great way to nurture and accept ourselves while we’re in pain.

Design — a New Compassionate Inner Voice

If you want to defeat the well-established inner-critic, you will need to have a strong ally on your side. It’s essential to create an even more powerful, compassionate inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your supportive friend. Research has shown that training oneself to counter the inner-critic via developing a compassionate-inner voice can help down-regulate neural markers of threat and pain.

How: To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that nasty critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on these.

Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice with compassion rather than self-judgment. Dont’ say : Miss Negativity — you are so disgusting; Instead Say something like “Dear Miss Negativtiy, I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

Try being authentic and truthful. Start by asking yourself what you believe in — with time and practice — being true to yourself is probably the best way to love yourself. Yes, it might not be easy in the beginning to let yourself see you in a positive light, but remember, as with any learned skill, the more you do it, the easier it will get.

To have the most fulfilling life possible, we have to learn to stop wasting time beating ourselves up. Try taking these four BOLD steps and learning to quiet that inner critic.

Your best you is waiting to be celebrated!