How To Develop Your Dirty Talk

Tips to become more comfortable using dirt talk during sex

I’m a very communicative person; I have no tabus, and I talk openly about everything. However, this ease refused to enter the bedroom: in sex, I used to be an inhibited person.

I wasn’t a passive lover or one without initiative. No, not that. I was the type of lover that wouldn’t voice her desires, her fantasies or preferences. I’ve paid a high price for being this way: I lost the opportunity to have mind-blowing sex with even bigger mind-blowing orgasms.

Before I started dating my actual partner, I went through a sex drought of almost one year, in which I decided to change my sexual approach; to redeem my pleasure.

Something was amiss in my sex life, so I needed to change the basics: my approach to it.

This change started by communication: I had to become more communicative.

I wanted not only to talk about sex but also voicing my desires. Also, I wished to include dirty talk. I was always curious about it, so no better time than to explore it than now, that I was chasing my true sexual self.

I’m one to be aroused by my sexual partner sounds. If he tells me something about me or the sex we’re having, I get super horny.

My lover’s sex talk feeds my arousal.

I knew that if I introduced dirty talk during sex, it would eventually turn on my partner and, for sure, would make me feel more sexualised, more empowered.

Wanting something and actually conquer it are two different things. It took me some time to let go of my inhibitions.

After researching and doing some in-work (fighting my fears), I put in place my plan to add dirty talk to sex.

I didn’t start it in the bedroom; I started with sexting and escalate it to phone sex. It was a great way to gain vocabulary and input the mood of dirty talk in my relationship, to create my own “bedroom vocabulary”.

Defining Dirty Talk

The Urban Dictionary defines dirty talk as “talking with another person, describing mutual sexual activity, with the aim of causing sexual arousal.”

Dirty talk can be used in any form of sex (face to face or virtual), before or during sex. For me, because I love the hear the voice my partner has when he’s aroused, dirty talk during sex is the one I love the most.

Dirty talk includes words, commands or small sentences. You can make vivid descriptions; you can swear, name-calling and even make some humour.

There’s no right or wrong in dirty talk

It’s important for you and your partner being comfortable using dirty talk. Also, you both should define your limits: not everybody enjoys being called names, and for some people, certain words can be a turnoff. Discuss with your partner what are their limits and let them know yours.

Whatever arouses you and your lover, that’s what you go for. In consensual sex, there is no such thing as right or wrong. The same applies to dirty talk.

What makes dirty talking so exciting?

For many, dirty talking is something unthinkable of doing; they can’t understand how can someone be sexually triggered by it. For others, dirty talking is a naughty, delicious addition to the sexual encounter.

Usually, what makes dirty talk so appealing is that it triggers imagination, it stimulates and feeds fantasies.

Dirty talk can be used to anticipate something that will be done later, something your partner loves. For example, when my partner texted me “I’m going to put you on your fours and fuck you while pulling your hair hard” it was all it took to make me wet and crave to time fly! Pulling hair is one of my favourite kinks, so reading his dirty text, promising such pleasure was a spectacular teasing.

Dirt talk is an erotic talking with several levels. It can go from soft to hard-core. You create your own.

How to start using dirty talk

Like me, perhaps you want to do it, but you don’t know where to begin, what to say, when to say it and which tone to use. These were my questions when I decided to try dirty talk.

Dirty talk can be daunting; you fear your partner will find it ridiculous or even offensive. That’s why discussing it previously it’s important. But, if you don’t know how to approach the topic, I recommend you try it gradually.

Erotica

Reading erotica is the best way to gain sex vocabulary.

Reading erotic scenes and sexual scenes descriptions will feed your creativity and help you feel more comfortable with the sexual language.

Porn can also be a good source but never try to replicate the actors; your dirty talking must come out from you, from your desires and your comfort zone. If you force it — by imitating porn actors — the results will be far from those you desire.

Sexting

Sexting is the easiest way to introduce dirty talk in your relationship. It’s audacious, fun, and it connects you to your partner in a sexy way.

Start an erotic message conversation with your partner. For it to escalate, you must be descriptive, to call body parts by its name (or a more daring one); you’ll have to use sexual wording to make your partner visualise what you’re “doing” to them.

Also, sending your partner a photo with a part of your naked body, with a naughty message it’s a way of dirty talking. You can send, for example, a photo of your boobs with the sext “later, I want you to lick them and suck them hard!”

When “later” happens, you can use that moment to bring out your dirty talking, saying something like “that’s how I like it!”, or give the command “harder!”.

Phone Sex

Phone sex will also be a great way to build up your dirty talk, more than sexting. Although you’re still hidden behind your phone — not facing your partner — you have to talk, to voice your speech.

While you don’t always have to be specific with your sexual descriptions during phone sex (it can be done only through moanings and growlings), most of the times you will describe a sexual act and your arousal. You will use sexual language, so no better time to practise dirty talk.

How to let go of shame?

I’m an extrovert, and I talk openly about everything, including sex. But dirty talk was always a challenge for me.

Every time I thought to bring it to bed, I was afraid of saying something “wrong” or to sound ridiculous.

How did I overcome my fears regarding dirty talk? By ignoring my inner-critic voice and, instead, following my instincts and desires.

You will never overcome your shame or fears if you don’t give it a try.

What’s the worst it can happen? My guess is that you and your partner will have some laughs. Don’t overthink it, just do it.

Spontaneous is the way

In the beginning, it’s normal for you to push yourself a bit, to make you say what’s in your mind. Yet, always do it spontaneously, not like you’re reading a line of a movie.

Use your emotions, the desire you’re feeling to voice your dirty talking. That will be enough to deliver your words in a sexy, hot way.

If you force it, dirty talk will come out as fake. And that will certainly won’t excite you or your partner (unless it’s role play.)

The best dirty talk is spontaneous and sincere; it comes from your guts and desires.

When you start trying, dirty talk might feel awkward for you, it sure did for me. But after a few tries (and perhaps errors), you will find your ground.

If you need self-encouragement, start with sexting, then upgrade your game to sex phone and then to use dirty talk during sex. If you feel it will help you lose your inhibition, try it with the lights off.

Knowing what sets your lover on, it’s also a good help to start practising your vocabulary — praise their body parts (“I love your hard cock”, “Your boobs are amazing”,…), let them know how good they make you feel, beg for more, tell them how and when to do what you desire.

Don’t hold back: talk dirty!

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