How to Create Sexual Chemistry

Even after you lost it

Years ago, I gave up on having a healthy sex life. My husband and I had lost it, and I was convinced we would never get it back.

When I met my husband, we had really strong chemistry in just about every way.

We got along really well. We laughed at each other’s jokes and built on them seamlessly.

We could spend days doing nothing but hanging out and talking without getting bored.

And we could fuck like nobody’s business.

I don’t know if we were amazing at sex or anything like that, but we just fit together so perfectly.

From the very first time we fooled around, it felt like there was no learning curve. He got me off and gave me some of the best sex I ever had.

We explored together and tried new things. We fucked outdoors, tried complicated positions, fooled around with other people, and did whatever our horny imaginations could think up.

We figured out our favorites, we gave up on the things that just didn’t work, but sex always brought us closer and made us feel more connected. It’s like we were on the same page every time, even if we were in the middle of writing it.

And then we lost all of that.

Not the other kinds of chemistry. We still had most of those.

Our emotional intimacy was really strong. We made each other laugh harder than anyone else could. But physically, we had lost touch with each other in a major way.

We were still best friends. But now it felt like that’s all we were.

It’s not just that we weren’t having sex very often. Even when we did, the chemistry was gone. The spark, the joy, and the fun we used to experience whenever we fucked had died down.

It felt good. It was a physical release. But it wasn’t much else than that.

Sex was supposed to make us feel closer, but it often left us feeling even more disconnected. We would go a month or two without fucking and when we finally did, it felt formulaic. Neither of us felt desired or like we were getting what we wanted out of it.

I repeatedly told myself that if we never had sex again, that would be fine. Without the chemistry, it was hard to get excited about it.

Thankfully, I never did have to settle for a sexless marriage. I didn’t have to endure a lifetime of uninspiring sex, either. Because now, after all these years, we have our mojo back. We’re not just having sex — we’re having the best sex we ever had.

Rebuilding our sexual chemistry happened slowly and gradually. It took some deliberate effort to repair and strengthen our relationship.

I’m grateful we took the time to do it because it no longer feels like there’s something missing between us. We never lost our love for each other, but getting our desire back has made our relationship feel whole again.

Losing it and gaining it back again is what taught me that sexual chemistry isn’t always something you just have — it’s something you can create. You probably need some sexual compatibility as a baseline you can work with, and you both need to be in it together and doing the work. But if you have that, you can create a spark.

If you want to create or rebuild your sexual chemistry, these are the things that worked for us and brought us closer together.

Bring Flirting Back

I think a lot of couples don’t realize how much subtle flirting they do at the start of their relationship. And because of that, they don’t notice when it stops.

That was definitely the case for me and Mr. Austin. We used to say so many sweet little things and give each other compliments.

When we weren’t saying anything, we gave those “fuck me” and “I love you” eyes. Sometimes, we exchanged a gaze that said both of those things at once.

He went out of his way to show me that he was thinking about me. And I tried to do little thoughtful things for him.

Then it just stopped.

We got used to each other. We got busy. Mostly, we just took it for granted.

I would think nice things about him but I kept it to myself. I told myself that he already knew how I felt, so what was the point in telling him again?

So, we eased up on the compliments. We stopped trying to surprise each other. And it was gradual enough that neither of us realized anything went wrong.

Flirting is a really big part of sexual chemistry. It’s what makes you feel seen, wanted, and appreciated. It’s what makes you think about each other as more than just friends. It’s what keeps you thinking about each other — period.

If the flirting is gone from your relationship, take some steps to bring it back.

Start small. Give at least one compliment a day. At least once a week, do something sweet and thoughtful. Eventually, it will come naturally to you again and will help you build a little more passion with your partner.

Set up a Date Night

Sexual chemistry is different from horniness. You can experience free-floating horniness — chemistry has to be about the other person.

That’s why you need to set time aside to just be with each other. Time to just look at each other, be present with each other, and pay attention to each other.

Have a date night so you can get away from all your distractions — no kids, no chores, no talking about practical shit. Just breathing each other in for an hour or two.

When you give yourself the opportunity to pay attention to your partner, you’ll be able to notice their better qualities and regain some of the attraction you might have lost.

Reminisce About Good Sex

Forget about how sex is now and focus on the best sex you’ve had together. Talk about it in person or over text.

Be as elaborate as you want to be. Tell your partner what made the sex so amazing. Talk about how you felt while you were fucking and after you were done.

Paint that scenario in as many details as you can remember. The way you couldn’t stop staring at his forearms when he rolled up his sleeves. How hot she looked when she slowly pulled her panties down. That he got the timing just right when he said “You have no idea how much I want to fuck you.” The way she worked her mouth and hand with perfect coordination. How sexy it was to fuck against the window in the hotel room, knowing someone might be watching.

Whatever it is, keep the conversation positive and sexy. It will help get you going but it will also highlight what you two do really well — and give you ideas for what you should try again.

Don’t Make It All About Sex

Chemistry is fluid. It doesn’t feel forced. That’s why trying too hard to get laid always ruins sexual chemistry.

This one’s kind of a vicious spiral for a lot of couples who have lost their groove. I know it was for us. We were years into a sexless marriage and it left my husband really frustrated. So, he ended up trying too hard to get things going.

It always felt unnatural, like he was trying too hard to make it happen. It felt needy, not sexy. And instead of putting me in the mood, it made me feel like I had to fuck him out of obligation or pity.

Not a high point in our sex life to say the least.

Putting pressure on yourself to get laid or setting things up so your partner feels pressured to put out is a huge cock block.

Always remember that your goal is to get back the magic — or create it in the first place. You don’t just want to have sex — you want amazing, connected, fun sex. And that takes time and work.

Build Anticipation

One of the reasons sexual chemistry evaporates after a while is that we stop spending a lot of time thinking about sex. Often, that happens when sex becomes routine or expected. We know that at 10 o’clock, there’s a good chance you’ll fuck, so there’s no reason to think about it until then.

But not thinking about it is exactly the problem. It’s hard to get in the mood spontaneously. It’s not easy to just come up with a cool, sexy thing to try on the spot.

Make the idea of having sex with you exciting by building anticipation for it.

Drop innuendos and suggestive lines throughout the day to get your partner thinking about sex.

Entice them, tease them, and provoke them — then let them simmer with their horny feelings until they can do something about them.

It doesn’t have to be super explicit. Just say or do enough to leave them thinking about fucking you or day dreaming about some naughty thing they’d love to do with you.

Find the Right Way to Fuck Your Partner

Chemistry is all about clicking together. It’s not just about wanting to fuck your partner and your partner wanting to fuck you — it’s about fucking each other in a way that just feels right.

You can only feel strong sexual chemistry with someone if they’re meeting a lot of your needs and desires.

That was an issue in my marriage, too. We communicated a lot, but I didn’t understand some of my deeper desires. And the ones I did know about I wasn’t sure how to bring up in a way that wouldn’t embarrass me or make my partner insecure.

But getting clear on those created a sexual dynamic between me and my husband that made sex exciting again.

The sex we were having before was good, but it didn’t have the right dynamic for me. To really get into it, I need to feel like I’m being chased and seduced. I need to be in the more submissive position. And big bonus points if I get a lot of praise throughout.

Once my husband started tapping into those kinks of mine, we regained the excited energy we had when we were first fucking each other. I started looking forward to sex a lot more. I kept thinking about the way he had dominated me the last time and looking forward to hearing him talk dirty to me again.

Finding out what your partner is into and giving it to them goes a long way to improving your chemistry.

Do they need to be submissive or dominant to get off? Do they love sensual sex or are they bored unless it’s rough? Is there a fetish they wish you would embrace?

One good way to figure this out is by doing a questionnaire like Mojo Upgrade or the BDSM Test. Playing a sex game can really help, too. Those can all help you learn your partner’s kinks and fantasies, and maybe discover some of your own, too.

Be Confident

The right mindset for building sexual chemistry is one that is comfortable and confident. You should believe that you deserve great sex and that you’re capable of delivering it, too.

A big part of having that confidence is just remembering that your partner is attracted to you. That’s why they wanted you in the first place and why they’re open to building your sex life back up.

If you have a hard time believing that (I often do), take some steps to make yourself feel more attractive in general. Dress your best instead of always defaulting to whatever you slept in. Take care of your grooming and your appearance. Do your hair, trim your beard, manscape if you and your partner are into that. Maintain a decently healthy diet and exercise regularly.

Any of those will help you feel better about yourself and keep you from second-guessing your sexiness.

Keep Things Playful

Your sexual connection will be stronger if it always feels fun, positive, and upbeat.

I like passion and romance as much as the next gal, but I personally find sex a lot more exciting when it’s playful.

You can do that in all sorts of ways. If you’re a bit dominant, you can edge your partner and only allow them to come when they say something dirty. If you’re more submissive, you can set yourself up to be taken.

Try new things. Laugh off the stuff that doesn’t work but keep going. Roleplay a little bit. Wear some sexy costumes. Anything to keep things bright and interesting.

Maintain Lots of Non-Sexual Intimacy

Building a lot of non-sexual intimacy doesn’t create sexual chemistry on its own. But when you click in every other way, it’s a lot easier to click in the bedroom.

It’s rare for couples to be a perfect fit sexually if everything else is off. The other kinds of intimacy you develop will give you the trust, safety, emotional bond, and knowledge of each other you need to have mind-blowing sex.

When my husband and I started having sex again, it was like we had never stopped. We picked up where we left off because everything else was still in place. We didn’t have a bond to repair, we didn’t need to learn how to get along again, and we didn’t have a big pile of resentment to work through. Adding sex to the mix was just like sliding the missing puzzle piece back into place.

Make sure you do plenty of cuddling. Hang out and talk about anything and everything. Share what’s happening in your life and what you’re interested in. Have each other’s backs. If you do, it will be a lot easier to create that sexual chemistry you’re missing.

Never Lose It Again

If you’re in a relationship long enough, all sorts of things can happen to your sex life and your libido.

Medical issues can come up. Menopause and midlife crises happen.

Big life events, money problems, work stress, and family drama can all fuck up your desire to fuck.

You might not always be able to have sex and you might hit some dry spells. But if you work on it, you can at least stay on the same page and keep the chemistry alive.

So, never stop flirting. Keep seducing your partner. Make time to be present with them. And always be ready to fuck their brains out.

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