How to Talk to An Introvert If You’re an Extrovert

Introverts are not necessarily shy or unable to have a normal conversation. There are differences in the way that introverts and extroverts communicate.

Many people still believe that introverts are excessively shy and inhibited around other people. Some may be but this is not a characteristic of introverts. If you are extremely introverted or extroverted you will likely notice some of the differences in the way these two personality types communicate. Extroverts often have difficulty conversing with introverts because they don’t understand some important characteristics that introverts possess. If you are are an extrovert, being aware of these personality traits will help you communicate more effectively with the introverts in your life.

Internal vs. External Processing of Information

I have several extroverted relatives and friends. One thing I’ve noticed about the ones who are extremely extroverted is that they tend to think out loud. It’s as if they are narrating their own lives. One friend in particular, constantly uses Siri and asks her everything from getting her to set apps up on schedules to providing directions for a route with several stops. When she asks Siri to do something though, she talks about whatever the reasons are, something I’ve never believed Siri really cares about.

I have a Samsung so I have “Ask Google”, and in the eight years I’ve had it, I’ve never used it. I’ve also had a tiny dictation recorder my brother gave me decades ago thinking it would be good for someone who was going to be a psychologist. I never was able to use it as I simply can’t think out loud. It makes me cringe to do so.

I realize now that my extroverted friends don’t necessarily expect me or even want me to respond to everything they are saying. This is different from introverts. Since all of that reasoning, processing and planning goes on internally, when we say something it is likely always going to be an invitation to a conversation.

When extroverts speak around others it doesn’t necessarily mean they are speaking to them. When introvert speak around others it is most likely is seen as part of a conversation and a reply is generally expected. When one is not forthcoming, introverts will internalize more trying to determine what happened but they’re unlikely to follow up, and will probably drop it. Extroverts who don’t get the reply they are expecting will directly address it by quickly asking if the person heard them or restate what they said, clearly and obviously directing it toward the person.

Part of the reason for this difference in seeking a response to a social interaction originates in the brain. Neurological research has found that extroverts respond more strongly to rewards in the brain compared to introverts. When they engage in social interactions their brains respond with the production of dopamine which is called the “feel good hormone”. This occurs even when just receiving a reply from Siri. Since this is pleasurable, the reward helps maintain an extroverts sociability. Introverts don’t have this same response.

Differences in Brain Functioning

Introverts have a longer neural pathway for processing stimuli. What this means is that it’s more complicated for them to process social interactions and social events. When introverts are interacting with you they are carefully considering their internal thoughts and feelings and while they are trying to analyze what you are saying to come up with the proper response. So it may seem like they aren’t really paying attention to you because of their need to internalize everything that is happening. But they are just taking time to evaluate it along with the different potential replies they might make.

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You and Please Don’t Just Stop By

Introverts generally hate surprises. We prefer to be able to predict when social interactions will occur so we can plan or prepare for some of the aspects of the conversation. This dislike for surprises includes phone calls and people unexpectedly stopping by.

Extroverts pick up the phone and call people just to talk without a real reason or plan for the call. They’ll just “shoot the breeze,” and can find spur of the moment conversations fun and sometimes even exciting.

When the phone rings us introverts are likely somewhere in our heads considering what we are doing or making plans for something upcoming. So the ring of the phone often startles us. When the phone rings I hate having to tear myself away from what I’m doing to refocus on whoever is calling. This makes me anxious and can end up irritating me to the point of annoyance on those days the phone doesn’t stop.

I often just don’t answer the phone during the day and have to steel myself at night to accept the necessity of talking. All things being equal, I’d much prefer to text than call or respond to a call.

Another problem is that introverts prefer to have visual cues to help us analyze the conversation and respond to it properly. Visual cues let us gauge the deeper meaning of a conversation and nonverbal behavior lets us be more accurate about the way we reply. Trying to analyze social interactions strictly through a voice conversation makes us feel we are missing some of the important pieces. This can make us even quieter on the phone.

There’s also the problem with us hating small talk. Extroverts sometimes pick up the phone to fill the time or just chat without a specific purpose for calling. For introverts this type of conversation can be torture. While we won’t be rude, if we think the conversation is frivolous we may be thinking about other things such as whatever we were working on when the call happened. Or we may just listen without really giving much by the way of a response. Again this can make us seem even quieter. So it’s best when possible to interact with us in person.

If you’re an extrovert and need to talk to us, try sending a text before you call asking to talk at a certain time. You can also suggest doing Facetime or Skype which can help us read your non-verbal cues. Also try to limit the small talk, especially during phone conversations.

Whatever you do though, do not stop by unexpectedly. There is little that will upset us more and make us feel more self-conscious than this. We want to know in advance when someone might come by and often prefer to meet people we don’t know extremely well somewhere other than our home. Overthinking how others will judge where we live leads to some nervousness and a lot of preparation for guests.

Introverts are also fiercely protective of their privacy. Please do not take offense if we aren’t willing to share the details of our life or background unless we know you very well, and even then we might be reluctant. We don’t typically share personal details unless we see a need to do so or it’s clear someone legitimately wants to get to know us and isn’t just asking questions because it’s what you do (which puts it in the same category as small talk and I’m sure I don’t have to remind you how we feel about that). So we don’t like people we aren’t already very comfortable with looking at things that are personal to us. If you truly would like to come over, at least give us warning so we can hide those things we’d really rather not answer questions about.

Take Away

Extroverts sometimes have misconceptions about introverts and why we interact the way we do that sometimes makes conversations with us hard for extroverts to handle. Some extroverts assume introverts are all shy because we are so quiet but this is not usually the case. Introverted people aren’t necessarily worried or anxious about talking to others, though some of us do experience social anxiety or shyness.

The truth is that introverts simply tend to be more reserved and internalizing than extroverts. We like to get to know someone before having a long conversation. We would rather think before we speak, turning over what is being said and our possible responses to it. You aren’t likely to find us engaging is a lot of chit-chat or small talk. We just don’t enjoy it.

Some of the difference in social interactions between introverts and extroverts is due to differences in brain chemistry and rewards that occur in the brain. This is the way we are hardwired. Since this is something that can’t be changed, learning ways we can better communicate with each other can make everyone happier and our interactions more enjoyable. Just please don’t call me or come by unannounced!

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