How to Communicate During Sex
It’s essential, but not as easy as it seems
When I gave away my virginity, I wasn’t actually ready to have sex.
I wasn’t quite ready with the next few guys I fucked, either.
I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t have sex before you can really communicate about it. And as a painfully shy girl, it took me a long time to get to a place where I could voice my needs, let alone what I wanted.
I was sort of able to say no, but I had trouble doing it firmly. I could also insist on using a condom before we started fucking. But that was basically it.
Those are the things that were drilled into me pretty regularly — that no means no and that I should avoid getting knocked up at all cost.
But no one ever showed me how to say yes. I never saw examples of someone asserting a boundary without completely turning someone down.
I knew that communication was an important part of sex. I just had no idea what that actually looked like.
And because no one ever bothered to explain it in detail, I assumed it was something so simple and easy that everyone knew how to do it.
Now I know that I wasn’t the odd one out. Communicating during sex comes naturally to some people, but for a lot of us it just feels really awkward.
It’s really easy to preach, but not always easy to practice.
That’s why we need better, more detailed discussions about it.
Communicating during sex is downright essential. It’s how you make sure your boundaries aren’t being crossed. It’s how you voice what you want instead of hoping your partner just happens to give it to you. It’s how you make sure your partner’s needs are being met and not just your own.
And even though a lot of erotic stories pretend otherwise, it’s practically impossible to have amazing, mind-blowing sex without good communication.
It’s not just for hookups, random encounters, and new relationships, either. Long-term couples still need to be able to communicate during sex.
Even when you know each other really well and you feel like your partner has a map to your body and a firm understanding of your desires, things change and they can change often.
What gets me off one week might not work the next. I might get overstimulated and need to change things up. I might be more sensitive than usual and need lighter stimulation to get off.
His cock might not be getting as hard as it usually does so we need to try out different positions. He might be struggling to get the angle right for some reason so we need to switch things up. He might really be craving something we haven’t done in a few months.
I might not be in the mood to be tied down, even though I was practically begging for it the last time we fucked. I could need more foreplay or longer aftercare than I normally do. He might be fucking me so perfectly that I don’t want him to change a damn thing — I want everything to stay the same until I’ve come so many times that I’m half-bewildered and totally satisfied.
And sometimes you just want to switch things up because the sex we’re having is starting to feel a little too routine.
Some of those things can be handled with the conversations you have before sex. The ones where you share your fantasies, suggest new things to try out, and shop for sex toys or bondage gear together.
You can cover some of them when you’re debriefing after fucking. When you’re going over all the things that felt amazing, getting excited over what you can try next time, and trying to troubleshoot the parts that were awkward or challenging.
But for really good sex, you also need to be able to communicate in the moment. You need to know how to voice what you need when you’re fooling around, when you’ve got your mouth on them, and when your partner is already inches deep inside you.
And you have to do it in a way that’s simple, comfortable, and doesn’t leave you feeling awkward.
These are the things you can do to make sure you’ve got good communication, whether you’re still dry humping your way through the foreplay or you’re already halfway to your last orgasm.
Establish a Safeword
I was incredibly naive about safewords. I didn’t think I needed one because I was married to a man I trust wholeheartedly.
Then I found myself in situations where I wished I had one.
It wasn’t like anything horrible was happening. It’s just that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the way we were fucking. It made me feel weird, or I just had a wash of anxiety run over me.
In those situations, saying no didn’t feel right. “Stop” wasn’t the right word, either. I wanted to keep things going, I didn’t want the sex to end — I just wanted it to be different.
Sometimes, I wanted Mr. Austin to be a little less dominant, but I still wanted him to make me feel submissive. Or I didn’t want him to fuck me so hard, but I didn’t want it to be soft either. Other times, I had no idea what I wanted but I knew something felt off.
In those cases, I could’ve used a really simple, quick, and clear way to communicate that.
That’s the real purpose of a safeword. One of the big misconceptions about safewords is that when you say them, it puts a complete stop to everything. As soon as “pineapple” crosses your lips, your partner drops the paddle, takes your blindfold off, and you both get dressed and try again the next day.
And yeah, sometimes that’s the case. Some people have safewords that are specifically used for the nuclear option — when you need to call a stop to everything and go right to the aftercare.
But for the most part, safewords are used to keep the action going. They tell your partner that things are getting a little too intense for you, that you need to slow things down or switch things up, or that you just want them to be a bit careful and not go much harder.
Having a safeword also means you don’t have to explain yourself. That’s really handy because half the time, I’m not exactly sure why I need to change things up — I just know that I do.
It’s also a way of avoiding “no” or “stop.” That’s incredibly helpful for me because I’m a recovering people pleaser and I find saying “no” to be triggering. I always hesitate before saying it. Those are also words that can be hard to hear. They can bring the vibe down in a way that “yellow” doesn’t.
Check in Frequently
Even when you have a safeword in place, you should still check in with each other frequently.
My husband is the easygoing one during sex. He’s down for most of the things we do so he doesn’t usually ask me to modify anything we’re doing.
He’s also the sexually dominant one in our relationship, so he’s the one who takes the lead and guides a lot of the action. He’s got a lot of say in how things go down, so it usually goes down in a way that he’s into.
I’ll ask him if he wants more lube when I’m giving him a handjob and make sure he’s not getting sore or tired when we’re fucking in the same position for too long. But other than that, I know he’s good.
With me, it’s a different story.
I’m the one who gets overstimulated easily. I’m a little fragile, so he can’t just pick me up and move me around. And because I’m submissive, I’m the one who gets sore if the restraints are too tight.
On top of that, I can get emotionally triggered.
But it would honestly suck if it was always up to me to voice those things. It’s much better when my husband checks in with me.
And thankfully, he does. He’ll ask me if I need to change things, if he should go softer, if I’m comfortable or need to move to a different position, if he needs to adjust the straps around my wrists and ankles, or if I want to use my safeword.
That might not seem like a big deal, but prompting your partner like this helps them voice their needs without making them feel needy or high maintenance.
Plus, checking in with your partner makes them feel taken care of, and that kind of attentiveness is really fucking hot.
I know a lot of people want to avoid frequent check-ins because they worry that they’ll check in too often. They don’t want to get annoying or feel like they’re ruining the flow of the action.
And yeah, that’s possible. But you’re a lot more likely to ruin a good time by not checking in often enough. So, make sure you don’t neglect this.
Give Simple Guidance
When you need to tell your partner to change something, it helps to do it in a way that makes it super easy for you to say it and for them to hear and understand what you need.
I love when I can give very simple, short instructions. If I can get away with just saying something like “faster,” “softer,” or “not so deep,” then I can just say it quickly without feeling embarrassed.
The best guidance you give is the one that you don’t have to think about at all. You don’t have to find a way to coherently explain it, choose your words carefully, or pause the action to give a run-down of everything. Just a quick explanation that’s clear as day.
Keeping it simple means your partner won’t have to think about it, either. When they hear “softer,” that registers immediately. But if you say “I think that’s making my clit a little numb,” they have to interpret it and figure out what you want.
That extra split second of thinking isn’t really a big deal, but it can cause them to stumble a little and throw off their flow.
Avoid Open-Ended Questions
Saying something like “what do you want me to do next?” or “how do you want me to touch you?” are good. It’s definitely better than not asking at all.
But asking those questions gives your partner a lot of options to work through. They have to make a mental list of everything they’d be okay with. Then they have to quickly rank them to figure out which one they want to choose (“would it be better if he just rubs my clit or fingers me at the same time?”).
And if they’re anything like me, they’re going to ask themselves another question on top of all those: “what does he want me to say?”
Depending on the situation, open-ended questions during sex can be overwhelming or they can just be inefficient.
I find it a lot better to stick to questions that present you with two basic choices.
“Do you want me to use my fingers or my tongue?”
“Are you in the mood for some ass-play?”
“Should I get the blindfold?”
“Do you need more lube?”
“Is that too deep?”
“Does that feel good or do you want me to go slower?”
Those kinds of questions make it a lot easier to communicate your needs and your desires. I might be too shy to tell my husband I want him to finger my ass while he eats me out, but I’m perfectly comfortable saying yes when he offers it.
And again, the idea is to keep things short and easy.
Deep, expansive conversations about your desires, your fantasies, and how you like to get fucked are absolutely important. But those should happen before and after sex.
When you’re in the middle of the action, you want to communicate in ways that let you stay in the moment and won’t get you caught up in your own head.
Trend to the Positive
Some people have a hard time communicating during sex because they think it’s mostly negative stuff.
They want to give feedback, but they think it’s going to come across like criticism instead.
Sometimes, it has to. You might need to flat-out say no to something. You might have to say that you don’t know what you need, but whatever’s going on now just isn’t doing it for you.
But for the most part, you can spin things in a more positive way.
Instead of “I don’t like when you go too fast” you can say “it feels so much better when you touch me slowly.”
“Your mouth is too dry” can be flipped to “let’s use the flavored lube.”
And you can turn “you’re stopping already?” into “your mouth feels so good on my pussy, I don’t want you to stop.”
When you do have to give a bit of criticism, it helps if you’re giving a lot of positive feedback alongside it.
Great sex is playful and enthusiastic. Giving lots of praise, making excited requests, and having positive check-ins helps keep it that way.
Don’t Take It Personally
One of the most difficult parts of communicating during sex isn’t saying what you want — it’s taking in the feedback you’re getting.
When your partner asks you to change what you’re doing, to stop something, or to move on to something else, it’s surprisingly easy to hear that as “you suck at this.”
I think that has a lot to do with the ways good sex has been presented to us. In a lot of movies, in most porn, and in some erotica, great sex often involves very little talking. It’s just two people whose passion takes over and they know exactly what to do to each other. No one has to say a word because the sex they’re having is just plain perfect.
If that ever happens in real life, it’s rare. Great sex usually takes a lot of conversations beforehand and plenty of feedback while you’re doing it.
We also have this idea that being good at sex is all about technique and prowess. Like, knowing how to lick a pussy right or having the stamina to hold the right position long enough.
That can certainly help, but it’s being attentive, present, and responsive that makes someone good at sex. It’s knowing how to listen to your partner’s feedback. It’s hearing what they want and giving it to them.
Everyone’s body is different and people need different things at different times. Being good at sex meaning being able to adapt to those needs.
So, when you get feedback during sex, realize that it’s not meant to put you down, tell you that you’re terrible at fucking, or a critique of your technique. It’s really just a request for sex to be a certain way.
That feedback isn’t telling you that you’re a bad lay. It’s giving you the information you need to be a great fuck.
Always Use Your Mouth When Having Sex
I try not to be prescriptive about the way people have sex. Pretty much everything is optional.
I don’t know that I could live without oral sex, but some people don’t care for it and that’s fine. I get really turned on by being submissive, but others aren’t into power play at all and that’s cool too. Some people don’t even care whether they come or not, which I don’t fully get but if that’s your jam, have at it.
Communication is the exception. It’s not just a preference — it’s essential for amazing sex.
So always be ready to voice your boundaries, your needs, and your desires. Because asking for what you want is always the best way to get it.
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