How to be Kind, but still Bold

As with most things, kindness is all about balance.

We all know that the world could use a little more kindness. The #BeKind movement took off on social media some months ago in the UK following a slew of attacks by the media leading to the suicide of TV personality, Caroline Flack. I truly believe that the world needed a wakeup call — though it was unfortunate that it had to come out of such tragedy.

Kindness is what makes the world go round — but regretfully, it goes underestimated and downtrodden these days in a world obsessed with self-image, climbing corporate ladders, getting clicks, and pushing others out of the way to get to the top.

On the other side of the coin, some people dedicate so much of their time and energy to showering others with kindness, that they forget to also be kind to themselves. As discussed in my previous article about being an activist without burning out— fighting for what you believe in while avoiding that counter-productive and all-too-real compassion fatigue — is tricky, but still possible.

You can care deeply about both the world and yourself. In fact — without the former, then concern for the latter becomes obsolete. In other words — you can’t pour from an empty cup.

As with most things — kindness is all about balance.

So how can you show more kindness — both to the people around you and to yourself?

The importance of Kindness

Kindness is crucial for society to function. The world may seem like a harsh place, but if it was completely devoid of kindness, then we would really know about it. Luckily, despite all the darkness, some kindness still manages to seep through the cracks. Behind every disaster, there is someone making sacrifices in order to help. But obviously, not everyone who suffers receives kindness.

I believe we should hold on to our childlike inner yearning to be kind and compassionate, despite what the cynics may preach. The backbone of kindness is empathy. This ability to put yourself in others’ shoes — to really imagine how they must feel and what it would be like to be in their position, is what makes us human. And without this ability to empathize, we cannot function collectively as members of society.

Most likely, you have the natural instinct to empathize. From comforting a crying friend to helping an injured animal — for most of us, witnessing suffering inspires a knee-jerk reaction to show compassion. But many of us learn to look past this intrinsic behavior, as we are told we must put ourselves first to be successful or even just respected.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world,” after all…

That may well be the case, but I propose that kindness still keeps society ticking. Of course, we all need to prioritize our own wellbeing at times. We cannot live exclusively for the needs of others or we will break down, or burn out. But nor can we live exclusively for ourselves, or any pleasure we reap will be incomplete.

Studies on the human psyche show repeatedly that in order to feel the happiest and most fulfilled, we must not only take care of our own needs but also those of others.

How we can all be kinder

We could probably all be kinder. Whether it’s to our family and friends, to animals, or to the strangers you come across each day (either in real life or on the internet.)

When’s the last time you were the recipient of a random act of kindness? It may have been a simple smile or compliment from a passer-by, an unexpected gift from a friend or partner, or a heartwarming comment on a Medium article. It’s not only the compliment, gift, or comment that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling — it’s the fact that someone was thinking of you, or sending positive vibes your way — for no real reason at all.

On the reverse side, researchers also found that acts of kindness like this are followed by a feeling of happiness on the side of the giver. It is a win-win situation — both parties feel a little spark of joy, and both are inspired to spread the kindness further. Psychologists call this the ‘helper’s high’.

So what are you waiting for?

There are, of course, some precautions to take before you rush off to sprinkle kindness willy-nilly…

How to be kind without being taken advantage of

We are now often led to believe that being kind equates to being a pushover. This implies that you’re easily defeated or taken advantage of. You do things you don’t want to do because you’d rather this than face confrontation. Your default mode is one of people-pleasing and obedience. And you tell yourself that you shouldn’t stand up for your opinions, perspectives, or ideas, at risk of offending others or drawing too much attention to your own thoughts and needs.

Unfortunately, research shows that women tend to be particularly hesitant to stand up for themselves. One proposed reason is our tendency to avoid direct conflict — even at the cost of our own comfort or needs. Another is societal conditioning for women to be agreeable and not outspoken, or that their opinions aren’t as valid. (It sounds archaic but I assure you, these beliefs still bubble under the surface in every society…)

However, regardless of gender, the stress that is associated with not speaking up and having that unexpressed thought or opinion berate your subconscious is often much higher than any potential conflict that could arise externally. It really helps our sense of self-worth to get things off our chest and feel true to ourselves.

And let’s be honest — being true to ourselves is worth fighting for, anyway.

In Defense of Conflict

Conflict is not so terrible, after all. In fact, it’s a necessary and inevitable part of life. So instead of thinking of conflict as an exclusively negative outcome to be avoided at all costs, consider it an opportunity for two or more people with different ideas, opinions, and perspectives to live alongside each other harmoniously, regardless of their differences.

It’s not the end of the world if you disagree with somebody. It needn’t lead to a big blow-out or an end to any sort of relationship with that person. And if you face a backlash for your own beliefs then this doesn’t tarnish your self-worth. If anything, it should only increase.

Furthermore, you can stand up for your beliefs in a kind and respectful way, agree to disagree, and feel that you haven’t sold yourself short — both in terms of your needs, and your desire to keep the peace.

Balancing Kindness and Assertiveness

Many of us are caught up in a catch-22 between being nice to others and standing up for ourselves. It often feels like we must make a choice, and cannot be both kind and assertive.

But of course, you can show compassion to both yourself and those around you — you don’t just have to pick one! I propose that actually, by being more assertive, you are actually being kinder in the long run — on both of these fronts.

This is because by being a pushover, resentment will only build up inside of you, affecting both your mental health and your relationships. So, next time you find yourself in this tricky situation, think of how you can get your point across, or express that thought that’s niggling inside, but in a kind and respectful way — standing up for yourself but with the other party’s perspective in mind.

Remember that self-love and self-care are essential in order for you to muster up any kindness to offer to others. And regard the act of being kind to yourself as simply another act of kindness amongst the others you show to those around you each day.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, just as you can’t light a candle with a burnt-out flame!

Roxanna is a British-Iranian content writer specialized in human rights, identities, health, and welfare. With a language degree from King’s College London, a Master’s in European Studies from LSE, and an EU communications background, she strives to increase visibility and encourage debate around ethical and sociocultural issues around the world. http://roxannaazimy.com Twitter: @roxannayasmin