How To Be Authentic At Work Socials

Summary

The article "Stark Raving Satire: How To Be Authentic At Work Socials" provides humorous and satirical advice for introverts on how to cope with the inauthenticity of workplace social events.

Abstract

"Stark Raving Satire: How To Be Authentic At Work Socials" is a tongue-in-cheek guide aimed at introverts who find the forced camaraderie of office social gatherings to be akin to torture. The author, Carlo Zeno, empathizes with the reader's discomfort and offers a series of absurd and hyperbolic strategies to either endure or escape these events while maintaining a veneer of authenticity. These strategies range from wearing a belt as a muzzle to faking a stroke, each designed to either communicate the introvert's true feelings in a socially acceptable manner or to provide a legitimate reason to exit the situation entirely. The article is a playful take on the struggles introverts face in extroverted social settings, suggesting that sometimes the best way to deal with discomfort is through humor and a touch of theatrics.

Opinions

The author suggests that introverts feel the need to be natural and authentic, even in environments that are inherently uncomfortable for them, such as work socials.
The article implies that work socials can be so unpleasant for introverts that they might prefer extreme measures, like self-asphyxiation with a belt or faking a medical emergency, to avoid socializing.
There is an underlying critique of the pressure to participate in workplace social events, which the author views as inauthentic and potentially distressing for those who are not extroverted.
The author uses sarcasm and outrageous suggestions to entertain the reader and to highlight the absurdity of expecting everyone to enjoy and benefit from mandatory social gatherings.
The piece advocates for finding personal space and solitude, even within the confines of a social event, as a form of self-care for introverts.
By encouraging introverts to engage in private activities, like reading a book in the bathroom, the author validates the introvert's preference for solitude over forced social interaction.
The article humorously suggests that introverts can use performance art, such as pretending to be deaf or taking field notes for a book on workplace culture, to navigate social events without truly engaging with others.
The author's tone indicates a belief that humor and a bit of subterfuge can be effective tools for introverts to maintain their sanity and authenticity in situations that feel inherently inauthentic.

A guide for introverts

Always come prepared to your work socials with a belt / Photo by jens holm on Unsplash

If you are an introvert like I am, you know there is nothing that makes you want to light yourself on fire in public protest quite like a good old fashioned team social with your coworkers.

As we introverts feel a need to be natural and authentic at all times and in all places, I have developed a guide of helpful tips for you to remain inside your own skin when having to face the horror of inauthentic work socials.

Come to the social wearing a belt. When the inauthenticity dial is inevitably cranked up to a volume of 10, slowly undo your belt from your pants under the table and, perfectly naturally, like nobody’s business, slowly tie yourself up around your face and neck. This will achieve two things: (a) it will stop your blood circulation and give you the thrill of a near death experience, and (b) it will give perfect external expression to what you are feeling inside, thus making you a perfectly integral human being. This has the potential of catharsis.

When one of your colleagues asks you how you are doing, tell them you haven’t felt this good since getting root canal surgery without novocaine. This will have the pragmatic effect of making them turn to another colleague in search of a better conversation and leaving you blissfully alone with your sadistic imagination.

Right at the very beginning when you first sit down at your long table for ten, make an announcement that your mother just died and that you will be observing one long glum and sour silence throughout the entire social. This will mean you can relax and show your true feelings about the event with no questions asked.

Make a secret competition with yourself to see how many sarcastic statements you can make in a row without anyone noticing you are joking. Increase the level of outrageousness with each statement, until your coworkers begin to side eye you like you are some kind of psychopath. If nothing else, this will entertain you and make the time fly by faster. You can start small with something like (a) There is nowhere I’d rather be after a full day of work then hanging out with all of you, and then work your way up to (b) If I won the lottery I would continue to work full time just to be alongside all of you, and with the extra cash I would be shouting team socials every day of the week — I LOVE you guys!

Fake a stroke. Fall off of your chair and start wiggling around like you are having a seizure. This will have the bonus effect of allowing you to say you won’t be coming in to work the next day, if not the entire rest of the week.

Bring a small pocket sized book you’ve been meaning to read for a while (Ignorance, by Milan Kundera), find the nearest spacious handicap bathroom you can enjoy all to yourself, and spend the evening reading. When you come back out 3 hours later, if anyone is still there, just say it was those damn morning doughnuts your dumbass boss passed around in the morning celebrating the company’s record profits.

Pretend you have gone deaf after taking one hundred calls during work, with the last caller being a customer screaming in your ear about how she is going to sue your company for all its worth. Write this enlightening piece of intelligence on your napkin and pass it around the table with a look of sorrow and resignation. If someone doesn’t believe you and tries to engage you in a conversation, just say what? Sorry? I can’t hear you! And point to your ear and shrug your shoulders.

Bury yourself in a notepad all night. If anyone asks what you are doing, tell them you majored in Social Anthropology and are taking field notes for your next major book about workplace culture. This will either make them extremely self-conscious about their behavior around you or just plain afraid. Either way, they will avoid you for the rest of the evening.

Tell the truth about how you feel about the event, but say it in a tone that suggests you are only joking. You can say: It’s enough I have to work alongside all of you for 40 hours per week of my short life. But to be forced to spend additional hours with you really takes the fucking cake. Remind me again if they are paying us for this? Pause for effect, and then bust out laughing. With any luck they will all assume you are only joking.

SMS your partner from under the table and tell him/her to give you a call. When your phone rings, present a public face of annoyance, and then take the call. Then put on an act of shock, get up from your chair, and raise your voice: What happened? Just calm down! CALM DOWN! Don’t panic. Start from the beginning. OH MY GOD! Are you ALL RIGHT? In the middle of this alarmist dialogue, slowly make your way outside of the restaurant, keep walking a couple of blocks until you are out of sight, and then run the rest of the way home laughing. Trust me, this will feel authentic.

Bring a good book and set the alarm for 3 hours / Photo by Jan Antonin Kolar on Unsplash

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