How To Be a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide
“Be a unicorn in a field of horses”
Threesomes are one of the most popular sexual fantasies out there, for good reason. And, since they’re quite high on many people’s list, they’re not all that unachievable either—if you know how and where to look.
Done ‘right’ threesomes can be the epitome of erotic experiences. For couples in (healthy!) relationships looking to add excitement, they’re a relatively safe way to explore sex with other people. For the person joining, a threesome can be an exciting adventure with very few strings attached.
Most of the guides I’ve come across, including one that I’ve written, provide advice for couples wanting to add a third, and few seem concerned with what to look out for as the joining party.
Since I’ve been on both sides of the equation, I decided to shine a light on the important role of the third, aka the unicorn.
What is a unicorn?
I’ve been wanting to write about unicorns ever since 🦄 Chris Hedges included me in her unicorn crew back in March, and I finally got around to it:
Traditionally, a unicorn in a sexual context is a bisexual female, looking to join a pre-existing monogamish couple in a threesome. In reality, the unicorn can be any sex or gender—or gender non-conforming. My girlfriends and I jokingly refer to male unicorns as a ‘manicorns’—a mythical creature that appears to be even rarer than its female counterpart.
In this article, I’ll use the term for anyone joining a pre-existing couple in a threesome.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn, then, always be a unicorn!
Be a unicorn when you want sexual adventure without commitment.
The first time I embraced my inner unicorn I was freshly single after a long relationship and couldn’t wait to explore my many fantasies. I’d always wanted to have an FMF threesome, but the last thing I wanted was a new relationship. I simply wanted to be a free agent, doing my own thing, potentially on a whim, and without needing a green light from anyone.
Being a unicorn was a perfect way to have it all!
Be a confident unicorn.
Before we start, let’s make one thing clear: As the third, you’re far from the third-wheel, so stop worrying about being left out. You’re not only the guest of honor, but you happen to be the protagonist — the one making this a threesome in the first place—as opposed to their regular Tuesday night routine. Before you venture out there, take that in for a moment, and own it!
I’m not telling you to be cocky, but you have all the reasons to be confident. The couple you’re joining will be too busy worrying about themselves to even consider any of your perceived flaws or imperfections.
You’re a magical, mystical being to them, remember?
Be a unicorn with a couple you adore.
Don’t you sometimes meet couples with such amazing chemistry that you wish you could get a taste of what it would be like to be on the inside of it?
Being a unicorn gives you the opportunity to do just that; to sample a couple’s relationship dynamic and bask in their already honed chemistry. It’s therefore equally important that you be a picky unicorn.
If a couple doesn’t have great chemistry, or even worse, relationship issues, these tend to rise to the surface and taint the whole experience. Instead, a couple that radiates on their own will shine their light on all of you, and you’re all the more likely to have a glorious time together.
I chose my first couple because they had the kind of relationship I’d want for myself — just not right now.
When I found Yusef and Ava on Tinder, I was immediately intrigued. Married and in their late thirties with a bunch of adorable couple photos and a few semi-nudes, the two yogis were fit and good looking, yet approachable. They were exciting, yet felt familiar, like someone I’d be happy to grab a drink with any time. On top, their profile text was written in rhymes with a dash of cheeky humor sprinkled throughout.
Right-swipe!
Be a unicorn if you’re turned on by the idea of being an object of desire.
My cute couple immediately responded with messages even wittier than their profile text—and so it began:
Photos were requested, and I sent them the sauciest ones I had on my phone (then…). In return, they made it more-than-clear that they coveted me.
Basking in the splendor of their desire, as the central character of their fantasy, turned me on more than I could have imagined.
The pursuit remained a highlight of the whole experience.
Be a discerning unicorn.
My first time, especially because I was new to ‘unicorning’, I took my sweet time to chat back and forth.
As a third, or with any sexual encounter for that matter, you have the right to take all the time in the world to decide whether or not something is right for you. You’re also free to pull out or leave at any time.
I was on the fence when I serendipitously (or synchronistically) ran into Yusef in the line up at a burger-stand at street food event:
—Wait, what??? Is that really you?
—Holy shit! What are the chances?
(Yep, that happened!)
We proceeded to dine, have drinks, and discover that we had plenty of chemistry to boot. Yusef and I were DTF (down to fuck), and now it was only up to Ava, who was out of town. Luckily, when Yusef messaged her, she was thrilled to hear about the coincidence, and we all made plans for her and I to meet alone to make sure we liked each other as well.
Good unicorns want to make others feel at ease.
Admittedly, I was a bit nervous to meet Ava. After all, there can be a certain amount of ‘competition’ between women—as well as between two men.
A female unicorn, you want to make sure that the other woman feels relaxed with you as opposed to threatened. Your goal should be to forge a feeling of sisterhood, and hopefully mutual attraction, rather than rivalry, and hostility.
Couples afraid that their unicorn will potentially run away with one half of the relationship should probably rethink a threesome in the first place, but as a third, you want to reinforce this confidence. Instead, you’re empathetic, sensitive, harmless, and easy-going. (At least for the night…).
The male psychology in an MFM threesome is similar, yet different. While many men do fantasize about seeing their partner ‘being taken’ by another man, this can also be a touchy spot. Our fears and fantasies, or fetishes, are intrinsically intertwined after all.
As the ‘joining-M’, you want to be sensitive to this and allow ‘relationship-M’ to take the lead, and remain in charge, wherever that means to them. The ‘joining-F’ should, in a similar way, observe ‘relationship-F’s’ boundaries.
Most importantly, discuss all triggers and limits beforehand. Always!
Meeting Ava, I immediately sensed that she was more reserved than her husband. I, therefore, eased into it and gave her plenty of space to relax. I knew she was the gatekeeper and that it was up to her to decide whether or not I came home with them that night or not.
Our flirting was subtle, but at the end of our second drink, she pointed at our bikes and suggested we head over to her place.
Excitement ensued!
Unicorns let the couple take the lead.
When we made it up to the apartment, Yusef was waiting with two glasses of bubbly and a giant smirk on his face. He clearly knew that his wife was more reserved than I was and that it would have made her uncomfortable if he and I started making out first. It was, therefore, him encouraging her and me to kiss that got the whole thing started.
Quickly after he led us both into the bedroom, which was already flooded with candlelight and chill music.
He continued to take charge, in a calm and confident way which made everyone feel at ease. I admired how he continued to ensure that she was given plenty of attention without making me feel left out. Since I happen to adore women too, we both reveled in making her the feast of the night, while being plenty satisfied ourselves.
Don’t be a unicorn because you’re lonely!
Afterward, we all hung out and cuddled before the couple hopped in the shower and got into their bathrobes. At this point, it was clear to me that the party was over on my part—something I was quite content with.
After walking me out and kissing me goodbye, I disappeared into the night and back to my own.
At the time, being newly single, adventurous, and not looking for commitment, this was perfect for me. Home, with my large bed all to myself, was the only place I wanted to be.
I can, on the other hand, see how this could feel like a downer after such a high experience, especially if you long to be held and cuddled all night.
While threesomes do feed a lust for adventure, and, to a degree, intimacy, they can, on the contrary, be a terrible idea if you feel lonely and alone. Going straight from getting a first-hand glance at the fuzzy-warm insides of a well-functioning couple, the contrast can be stark.
Being a unicorn ‘can’ be magical!
My personal experiences as a unicorn have all been adventurous, fun, exciting, and empowering because I knew what I was looking for, what I was getting—and what I wasn’t.
If you long for deep, continued connection and companionship, being a unicorn might not be what you need and could leave you feeling worse than before.
If you, on the other hand, go into the experience with realistic expectations, if you want to be a crazy-sexy-cool fantasy creature for a night, or even as a regular gig, then being a unicorn might be exactly the right thing for you!
