Googler, Beware
How The Google Rabbit Hole Got Me Into BDSM And Polyamory
My leaky vagina improved the flow of my sex life
It started innocently. I got married. We enjoyed being a married, childless couple for about five years. We had really, really, really hot sex. Eventually, that led to getting pregnant. We had one kid. Then, we had one more. I birthed these babies through one rough labor and childbirth and one successful VBAC, which stands for Very Bodacious Algorithmic ChaCha or Vaginal Birth After C-Section. Either way, My vaginal canal held 2 babies and birthed one. Vaginas are badass, y’all.
Well, birthing and age can lead to stress incontinence. Yes, you may pee your pants when laughing or sneezing or yelling at the kids to take the moldy dishes out of their room or tell them to STOP WALLOPING EACH OTHER FOR FIVE MINUTES, PLEASE!!!! Always add “Please” when you yell at your children. It’s very effective. And, try to hold your pee, for christ’s sake.
But, back to my leaky vagina and improved sex life. While peeing my chair after sitting typing in a flow state for five hours and forgetting to take bathroom breaks sounds embarrassing, it is. What’s a writer to do? Write about it, of course!
After Shanna Loga trailblazed the way on writing about Mom Pee Status, I decided I could do it, too. For the Moms!
So, I wrote this article about my leaky vagina, which grossed out Riff owner, talented humorist, and good friend Noah Levy. The title was too much. He couldn’t bring himself to click. Plus, he’s 23 years old and doesn’t have a vagina or babies yet. I guess it’s understandable that an article written by his 42-year-old friend about her leaky vagina holds little interest for him. Still, during a phone call, as a Public Service Announcement of sorts, I tried to warn him that one day he will likely have a wife who births their babies, and this will result in her having a leaky vagina. He wanted no part of that PSA, so I kindly changed the subject. You’re welcome, Noah. And, sorry-not-sorry, for roasting you here, babe. I love you! 😘
Okay, many Moms have minor to major incontinence issues. What to do, what to do? There’s Pelvic Floor Therapy for that. That’s actually what the leaky vagina article is all about, so if you are a Mom who could use some guidance or a Dad who’d like to provide some support, give it a read.
Also, FYI, readers who came for funny and got blasted by disturbing information, Pelvic Floor Therapy is for men, too. Yes, men also have leaky urethras, which is technically what women have.
Several doctors have taken issue with my title including the phrase “Leaky Vagina,” as it’s not technically correct. My retort? My body, my choice. My essay, my choice. Nana boo boo, stick your head in doo doo, and such.
You're probably wondering where the hell this story gets sexy?! Okay, okay, already. So, I started googling Pelvic Floor Therapy to write my article about my personal experience with it. I shared my article with friends and family unabashedly, putting my once-shy vagina on display for everyone to read about.
Yes, I’m very brave. I know.
One mom and teacher from my 10-year-old daughter’s school responded with a sentence something like this, “Thanks for the reminder to do my Kegels! Have you seen this device that allows you to play games with your vagina? It’s pretty awesome.”
Wait. What?! I can play games with my vagina. Maybe I’ll like video games now.
I’m not interested in spending tons of money on my vaginal health, which is another article altogether. I emailed Perifit and asked if they’d send me their cute little pink dildo vaginal app exerciser thingie in exchange for a review.
Sadly, they aren’t allowed to do that. But they did send me a really good promo code. I’m easy. I bought the thing about 2 seconds later. I’d share my 3-day stats with you, but they’re much more depressing than my stats here on this platform, which tells you just how weak my pelvic floor is currently.
A weak pelvic floor does not a sex life ruin. As long as I don’t get in a writing flow state and then have sex, I’m not worried about leakage or wetting the bed. I’m exaggerating. It’s really not that bad.
I did discover water sports when I began googling Pelvic Floor Therapy. See? Rabbit Hole. For those innocent people like me, water sports is the kink of enjoying pee play during sex. You’re welcome. But, wait, there’s more! Squirting used to be for porn stars, but now it’s for all women. Any woman who’s interested can potentially produce female ejaculate. It’s not easy for all women, though. I hear practice is key. It has to do with g-area stimulation and other techniques. Google it. But, you might find yourself slipping down the BDSM and Polyamory Rabbithole.
Around the time me and my vagina get very brave, so did President Joe Biden. He or his staffers were reading erotica on Medium, which caused quite the hubbub, oh my! Imagine a bunch of English ladies twitters my laughter behind their delicately held teacups. They already knew about the vast and educational sexuality and erotica spaces on this very platform. My vagina remained brave. The president put the kibosh on his leisure reading. He has an image to uphold, after all.
I’m full of PSAs today. Americans, Loosen the fuck up! Did I make you think of my leaky vagina right then? Guffaw.
Seriously, though. Didn’t our people leave England to ditch our repressed, puritanical roots?! Consensual legal sex is fun af! Let’s write about it unabashedly. Let’s enjoy it until our parts wear out. Seize the sex, y’all!
The thing about Google is it’s great for discovering new information and leads you never thought you’d find. When I discovered the #sexuality and #erotica tags on this platform through writers like Jupiter Grant, Edward Riley, and Hogan Torah, my continuing education advanced. Thanks, y’all! 😘
So, the Google rabbit hole is a little deep and, ummm, loose. But, in a roundabout way, googling pelvic floor therapy reassured me that doing my Kegels will improve my sexual pleasure and sexual pleasure brought me to erotica, and erotica brought me to nonfiction sexuality writers, and nonfiction sexuality writers brought me back to googling terms like BDSM, Polyamory, and Compersion.
See, the hole is deep!
Gotta Go Pee! Googler, Beware.
Thank you for supporting my writing habit by reading, sharing, and trolling me in the comments.
Here are a couple more that might make you snort-laugh if I’ve done my job correctly.
