How Survivors Work Out Their Trauma is Personal So Stop Shaming Them

Let’s live and let live, okay?

TW/CW: sexual assault

My friend Devon has been working through their trauma for a long time now. They work through it much differently than I’ve worked through mine. My wifey Yael has been working through her trauma for ages as well. She works through hers similarly to me, but still, different. Wanna know why?

Because we’re all different people. And that’s not only okay, it’s beautiful.

None of us are wholly healed. Will we ever be? I can’t answer that. For myself I would say I am pretty well healed. I still get triggered at times by certain things and I probably always will, but it’s a million times better than it was years ago.

When Devon has talked about their healing journey, and how they’re just now becoming comfortable with masturbation, sharing their body with others in the form of photos and such, they mention how they still feel such shame surrounding these things. They talk about how the trauma they endured at the hands of others makes them feel this way — but that’s not all.

It’s how society views survivors that makes them feel this way and I completely understand this part. While my trauma is similar to theirs, and how society views most survivors is the same, how I went about my healing is different. Devon has done most of their healing internally and alone — mostly in an attempt to avoid dealing with the bullshit and stigma society places on survivors.

And I can’t blame them.

If you pay attention or know someone who’s dealt with sexual assault, rape, or anything like this, you might notice there’s typically two ends of the spectrum as to how they behave after the fact. Some go to one extreme and become almost nun-like in their behavior, because they’ve been taught and even told, had they dressed differently, acted differently, what happened to them wouldn’t have happened. Others go to the opposite extreme and become promiscuous, seeking a lot of sexual partners, possibly even becoming engaged in the BDSM community in order to facilitate their healing.

There’s nothing wrong with either of these behaviors as long as you’re being safe, and as long as at some point, sooner rather than later, you engage in some type of therapy to discuss what happened to you, and realize, nothing you did lead to what happened to you, and it’s not your fault.

Rapists are the cause of rape, not the person it happened to, not the manner of dress, not the place where you were. Rapists, period.

One of the most healing things I did for myself many years after I endured multiple assaults, was a planned fantasy rape experience. That might sound absolutely counterintuitive, but it wasn’t at all. What it did was give me back the power. I controlled the narrative, everything was completely and totally in my power. I planned every single moment of the scene, down to the smells, the place, the time, and the person involved.

It was someone I trusted with my life. We talked about it and planned it down to every single detail I could think of for weeks before it happened. Not only was it healing, but it ended up being some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

That may sound twisted as hell, and keep your comments to yourself if that’s your opinion. You’re entitled to it, but I’m entitled to tell you to go fuck yourself, so keep that in mind.

I found, through years of experience in the BDSM community as a true switch, that there are certain aspects of that community that helped me to heal myself, and engaging in ProDomme work, and even giving myself over to submission with the right person, helped me more than any therapy session ever did. It may not work for everyone who’s been through what I have, but it works for me.

I’ve been shamed, derided, and called a freak for the ways I’ve chosen to work through my trauma. Attention seeking, slutty, and even a whore. But that says more about the person throwing the shade than it does about me. I know who I am and I know I’ve worked through more pain and trauma in what are healthy and intelligent ways than most of those people are capable of tolerating.

What’s important at the end of the day is being willing to be open, vulnerable, and honest about what you’ve been through, helping yourself cope with it in safe and healthy ways, and for me, sharing those experiences so that others know they’re never alone.

That’s how I deal with my trauma and it’s working pretty well for me. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve been through or how I chose to work through it. It would be amazing if the rest of the world could learn to stop shaming others and work on themselves instead.

If you enjoyed this and would like to talk more about how to overcome shame in your own life, or schedule a time for intimacy/relationship coaching of any kind, get in touch! demeterdelune at gmail.com