Are Survivors Allowed to be Sexy in Peace Yet?

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2058

Abstract

turns out everything still works in that arena, and I don’t really give a fuck what anyone thinks about me masturbating while I’m healing from being raped. It’s no one’s business, but I mention it because I want other folks to know it’s okay to release the need too.</p><p id="d1cb">Everyone who knows you will have advice, but the only advice that matters is that as long as you’re comfortable, you’ll be okay. And the first few times after abuse are going to hurt.</p><p id="5c1d">No matter whether it’s ten days or ten years, sometimes masturbating, having sex, and being sexually hurt. Sometimes it brings up awful memories, but we keep being ourselves because it’s a natural part of our identity.</p><p id="c08f">It’s when we become afraid of our sexuality that it becomes a problem, and that’s the part that I struggle with. So many people want me to define myself as this or that and all I can think is I’m just figuring out who I am, so announcing that I am “This” or “That” just doesn’t feel right.</p><p id="b4d0">I don’t know if I’m cis, bisexual, or a lesbian, I don’t know if I’m trans or non-binary but this is the first time in my life I’ve had the time to take the time to find out without men abusing me and touching me in ways that I don’t want to be touched, so I’m going to take my time.</p><p id="b86e">There are certain things I struggle with when it comes to sex, writing about it is one thing, and reading about it is another. I really struggle to let myself be vulnerable with myself, because of what was done to me. And the fact that it was done “to” me and not because of me, doesn’t make it much easier.</p><p id="1052">I was a victim. I was victimized, over and over and over again by men and boys I trusted, because I didn’t know any better, now I do and I’m stronger for it.</p><p id="2578">Sending all my love,</p><p id="fa48">Devon J Hall, <a href="http://www.loudmouthbrowngirl.com"><b><i>The </i></b><i>Loud Mouth Brown Girl</i></a></p><p id="deee">If you’d like to see more of Devon’s work check them out at</p><div id="ad

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Wow! I didn’t know this But Apparently, I’m Supposed To be a Virgin…Publicly

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Yup! That’s me. My mother would be horrified. So would lots of other folks, and I’m not even naked…well, I am, but you can’t tell. I was wearing a towel.

Pictures like this aren’t supposed to exist of women like me, because I was raped you see. So I’m not supposed to be sexual, I’m not supposed to want to have intimacy, I’m not supposed to be adored by men around the world, because then I might be accused of encouraging the comments that some men — sick men — might make.

Black girls especially aren’t supposed to talk about sex, or be sexual, unless we’re getting “PAIT!” but what if we just want to feel sexy for the sake of feeling sexy, is that allowed?

No, because we as a society are some of the most prudish people on the planet. I remember when I was fifteen and I was raped, it was just after my 16th birthday, but in between that and being fifteen, I used to wear shorts all the time.

Shortly after I was raped, and I told people I was raped, suddenly people felt the need to comment on everything about me, from my weight to the clothes I wore.

Everyone is an expert on how to behave and what to do after someone they know has been sexually assaulted or abused. My first counselor took me to get my makeup done, and another took me shopping and for coffee, everyone wanted to comfort me, but no one knew how.

They all wanted to hug me and remind me that my body was mine even as they were touching me in ways that I didn’t, and couldn’t stand yet being touched.

The truth is that the sting of violation lasts awhile, and it hurts, but I masturbated today, just to see if I could it turns out everything still works in that arena, and I don’t really give a fuck what anyone thinks about me masturbating while I’m healing from being raped. It’s no one’s business, but I mention it because I want other folks to know it’s okay to release the need too.

Everyone who knows you will have advice, but the only advice that matters is that as long as you’re comfortable, you’ll be okay. And the first few times after abuse are going to hurt.

No matter whether it’s ten days or ten years, sometimes masturbating, having sex, and being sexually hurt. Sometimes it brings up awful memories, but we keep being ourselves because it’s a natural part of our identity.

It’s when we become afraid of our sexuality that it becomes a problem, and that’s the part that I struggle with. So many people want me to define myself as this or that and all I can think is I’m just figuring out who I am, so announcing that I am “This” or “That” just doesn’t feel right.

I don’t know if I’m cis, bisexual, or a lesbian, I don’t know if I’m trans or non-binary but this is the first time in my life I’ve had the time to take the time to find out without men abusing me and touching me in ways that I don’t want to be touched, so I’m going to take my time.

There are certain things I struggle with when it comes to sex, writing about it is one thing, and reading about it is another. I really struggle to let myself be vulnerable with myself, because of what was done to me. And the fact that it was done “to” me and not because of me, doesn’t make it much easier.

I was a victim. I was victimized, over and over and over again by men and boys I trusted, because I didn’t know any better, now I do and I’m stronger for it.

Sending all my love,

If you’d like to see more of Devon’s work check them out at

If you’d like to help support keeping Devon’s content free, please feel free to donate and share here.