Transition in Life
Overthinking as an Unhappiness Trait
Fear and anxiety have us hemming and hawing in hesitancy
Today, while on the move, I have decided to read Who Moved My Cheese by Spencer Johnson. I was inspired by what I read not because the book is inspiring (I am sure it is for many readers), but because it refracts some of the thoughts I have had while going through my own ‘cheese’ phase.
Without spoiling the book for those who have not read it (although you can easily find a review on the internet), this book is about whether we have the courage to face reality and respond to that reality while staying true to our dreams. In reading about the choices and dilemmas of the two mice (Sniff and Scurry) and two little people (Hem and Haw),I am reminded by the types of people in the world: those who never allowed themselves to be comfortable nor let their guard down and those who hated the very idea of moving out of the comfort zone they had established for themselves and would do their utmost to stay in the zone even if it means expending their energy on a losing proposition.
There was a time when most of us used to belong to the first category: when we were living in caves or tents. Communities built around a nomadic lifestyle knew the meaning of living modularly, cutting their losses before it was too late, the efficiency of a minimal lifestyle, and the importance of leaving behind even what was once a comfortable oasis because it was no longer the oasis they had found. But as humans settled into a more sedentary lifestyle over the centuries, and started building their communities and increasingly ornate and furnished homes, the desire to just uproot and leave everything behind lost its appeal. Moreover, the more you have, the more you feel you have to lose if you were to just give them all up and start over. Hem and Haw, the two main characters of the book, are archetypes for the second category, albeit humans living in an urbanized and civilized society. Hence, once we have found what we think to be our ultimate cheese, we are reluctant to move, and would rather give up on opportunities associated with such moves.
Firstly, I am not suggesting that Sniff and Scurry with their willingness to uproot and move at a moment’s notice is always the more desirable alternative than the hesitancy of Hem and Haw. There are also flaws associated with living a nomadic lifestyle (hint: within the population of those attracted to a ‘nomadic’ no-roots lifestyle are those doing it as part of an avoidance coping, which is not the same as those living peripatetic lives as a calling because of the missions they have devoted themselves to) but that is for another Medium piece. Instead, I want to focus on how over-thinking can lead to anxiety and fear, culminating in paralysis and self-sabotaging behaviors
Anxiety Over Leaving the Bubble and Facing Reality
In my twenties, before becoming a full-time academic, I used to hustle hard at networking to find opportunities not only to advance my career in my chosen industry but also to advance knowledge and skillsets- it was unfortunate that I came into adulthood during the dotcom bust (representing the failure of a first wave of digitalization), hence the opportunities present today were not there then. But then again, the challenges of today were also not present at that time. I did not think that moving between disciplines and sectors would impede me in any way — in fact, it is by moving that I not only improved my income in leaps but was also forced to confront new challenges. Of course, as self-important and naïve youth, I made many mistakes, including mistakes that landed me in difficult circumstances. Even then, I never felt despair for too long, and was ready to forge ahead. But around the same time I was contemplating a career in academia, I was also facing many challenges in my personal and professional life.
Therefore, when the opportunity for avoidance coping presented itself in the form of an order to do my PhD abroad (on a ‘full ride’, but with many caveats hidden from view because I just wasn’t paying attention to them), I made all the preparations to leave, to get as far away as possible from an environment that I thought was the main cause of all my problems. Graduate school was a nice bubble to be in, because not only was I physically remote from the problems, but I was also able to start a new life without properly resolving the old ones. However, I soon realized that the problems just followed me, and affected the way I dealt with new challenges and difficulties. Soon enough, I realized that graduate school was a magnet for people such as myself.
When the time for graduating drew close, being out in the job-market created new anxieties and new realities that one was shielded from while in school. Some decided that they have enough of school, and moved on to industry with assistance from the career center. However, as someone reluctant to completely give up what I had thought was a good life (even a mirage felt safe) and afraid to return to facing the life I had tried to run away from, I decided to stay on in academia even if the conditions for staying were less than good. True enough, unable to escape, and always being drawn back in while attempting to escape (See my article on the psychology of transition). Because I was trying to escape my own negative overthinking
In the course of trudging from one desultory academic position to another for almost a decade, either never staying long or forced to leave by the non-renewal of a contract, I started to observe more carefully the people around me while working at these positions, and found that they tend to fall into one or more of these categories: those looking for an opportunity to leave, those who had given up on their careers, those who are resentful of their careers, and those who are afraid of losing their careers. In none of these circumstances was anyone happy, and the unhappiness bred intense internal politicking, drama, and toxic work cultures. They were not so naïve as to not notice that the cheese had long gone stale for them. But, to leave is to confront the fears and insecurities, which is harder than merely blaming others for their unhappiness. Moreover, for those who have never been outside, it is an even more frightening prospect.
Stuck with an Inviolable Belief System
Sniff and Scurry reminded me of small business owners I have known and even sometimes envied: just living day-to-day and moving forward with the situation as need arises, never thinking too much beyond whether they are making a profit or not. Then there was me, the academic who did not think much about the uncompensated labor she had performed in hope of making up the academic rung at some point: all the research and writing she did when she was supposed to be on vacation and often at her own expense, having minimal negotiation power over her salary, and gaslighting herself into believing that in achieving tenure, she gets to do what she wants (what exactly would that be?). To be frank, years of anxiety-driven conditioning will make many the less attractive versions of themselves even to themselves, excepting those who achieved tenure doing whatever the heck they like — which is like the privileged minority.
What would these uncompensated labor be? Hundreds of hours writing up proposals for grants that may never see the light of day (and even if it did result in a grant, it is more about prestige than exciting/life-changing research, because who has the time anyway), months to years (for some people) in revising the same manuscript that goes through an unending cycle of review or rejection (often for unclear reasons) even when you try to apply every tip and trick you know, applying for jobs that require specific expertise that would have kept one unemployed or underemployed should they not be hired into a job requiring that expertise, being financially illiterate (from years of convincing oneself that money is not the most important thing), and worst of all, difficulties in moving into other things if your expertise is not deemed as sufficiently valuable in the marketplace (so you convince yourself you are willing to work uncompensated). From my observation, it is easier for a CEO or even a politician to become a professor overnight than it is for a professor who has worked their way up to become anything else.
While the business owners have their struggles, they are aware of the tangibility of their struggles. Those of us who are in professions that indulge in overthinking tend to have difficulties in articulating even our own basic needs and desires, much less what we desire for the rest of the world. Business owners know that they have to adapt and find ways to meet market needs or go out of business, whereas in most parts of academia, we continuously produce knowledge that we think would make the world a better place (do they?) yet fail to convince society, for the most part, on the value of what we do (do we care to?), then criticizing the world for not beating to our drum. The hazards of a profession that cultivates overthinking: high levels of anxiety, dehumanization of an individual, and the devaluation of the self, all for a prestige that largely rings hollow. In other words, us overthinkers are afraid to leave our present situation not because we want to maintain our integrity or refuse to sell-out, but because we could no longer find a way out of the present maze we dug ourselves into, for fear of missing out on a life we have convinced ourselves we want. Our hesitancy comes not from integrity.
There is no perfect profession in the world and everything has both its good and bad side. But overthinkers are so attached to the sunk cost fallacy that they will stay on with a losing proposition, at a cost to their personal wellbeing that is the consequence of increasing resentment.
How to Make Overthinking a Strength Instead of a Drag to Your Life
Over the years, I have talked to people who, after the initial idealistic enthusiasm for working on their dreams, decided that they prefer the so-called safe path because they thought it would give them more stability. What they forget is that there is no such thing as stability, and that no one is indispensable. Therefore, rather than using their abilities to (over)think through all possibilities to find breakthroughs around roadblocks, and face up to a reality they need to work with, they prefer to throw in the towel. In the process, they have locked themselves out of discovering another passion that could get them to where they want.
If we revise the idea of overthinking into an act of positivity rather than negativity, then overthinking could become a form of creative release where energy is expended into the attainment of a dream rather than into its blocking. But it is a difficult task ahead requiring hard work and psychological reconditioning — there are no short cuts, no mantras, and no ‘do this and you will be…’ type advice that is a one-size fit. If one is already comfortable or still holds on to the hope that one could stay the path in order to realize one’s preferred life, then the fears and anxieties accompanying negative overthinking would be even greater.
In going through my own journey, I have been developing some personal strategies, the outcome of my own research (that’s at least one good use of my academic toolset). I call them action-reflection-refraction. For each action, there is an accompanying reflection, and with that reflection, you are able to refract on the outcomes so that the initial path you choose could be completely different from the final path, because the process one is willing to undertake will change one’s perspective and outlook, and even one’s initial view of the anxiety-and-fear provoking ‘other side.’
1. In my other article, I had suggested creating a powerpoint or presentation about yourself as a starting point.
2. Take each goal you have outlined for yourself in that presentation, and see which is the lowest hanging fruit you can first tackle to build up leverage and a sense of confidence.
3. Find opportunities through your existing networks, and if necessary, knock on the doors of those who are not yet a part of your networks. Often, it takes several tries, false starts, and even dissipation of a promising beginning to finally get that breakthrough.
4. Maintain a documentation of your efforts so that you could do the reflections more systematically. When things are written down, they become a contract with yourself. You are, after all, the most important project you will ever manage.
5. Ask yourself why you chose the path you had chosen in the first place, and whether being in that path now brings you the same feeling of delight and anticipation as it used to, and if not, what must, and can, change?
6. Ask yourself if all the sacrifices you have made to be where you are now is really worth it, and if you could have one thing different, what would that be? Knowing that you could never change the past (even if you are a lover of time-travel narratives like yours truly), ask yourself what you could change about the present, in ways that you can still control, that would affect your future. Most of the time, our greatest fears stem from a loss of control, yet we do not realize how often we have outsourced control over our own lives to other parties. But remember that no amount of control can control uncertainty.
7. Is there anything you are doing now, or in the past, that you wish you could develop further? If you have not done so, what has been stopping you?
I will stop here for now. You are the captain of your own happiness and fulfillment. Gambateh!
