RELATIONSHIPS / COMMUNICATION
How Our Culture Clash Paved The Way For A Stronger Relationship
The trick we learned to de-weaponise communication.
The woman I married was Argentinian.
Now, I don’t know if you are familiar with Argentinian culture. But one thing they are not, is verbally passive. When you have Argentinan family, you will always know their opinions. Always directly. Often loudly. Maybe shouting our opinions across a room is not the healthiest way to express them, but at least they are being open and honest.
As a nice English boy from the heartlands of Hampshire, this was, to say the least, a bit of a culture shock.
I’m not saying my family were uncommunicative. We talked all the time. But we definitely had what you might call an English streak. We tended not to discuss personal matters. When we were annoyed with each other, the standard response was to steer the conversation in a different direction.
So one of the benefits of our relationship was the meeting of these two styles of communication.
My partner was used to direct, sudden, raw communication. Emotions were expressed loudly, and disagreements were settled by a contest of volume.
I was used to indirect, avoidant communication. Emotions or personal problems weren’t discussed, and conflicts were left until they resolved themselves or overflowed into arguments.
So between the two of us, we did our best to take the best from both our upbringings. How to communicate directly, but calmly and peacefully.
But there was one agreement that did the most to help us build a foundation for healthy communication. Something that ensured we would always feel free to express ourselves.
And I want to share this with you all today.
“Well, if you don’t know what’s wrong, then I’m not going to tell you!”
Ah, yes. It’s always fun to encounter one of the classic toxic behaviours. Almost like running into an old friend. An old friend you’d hoped never to see again.
It’s odd how many obviously damaging habits and behaviours have been accepted into modern life. Some of the most insidious have even come to be seen as desirable traits. For example, some people actually believe that possessiveness, jealousy, and co-dependency are good to have in a relationship!
Other toxic behaviours, while not seen as desirable, are still accepted. We believe they are simply part of any relationship. Rather than things to be addressed and dealt with, we see them as something to work around.
One of these is passive communication.
Or, to give it a fancier title: Disguised Relational Hostility.
Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible treatment. Social exclusion. Neglect. Sullen resentment. Indirectly hurting something or someone of importance to the targeted person.
We’ve all encountered examples of this behaviour at some point in our lives. And, I’m almost certain, have dished it out as well.
We all know this is unhealthy. And yet, we’re all guilty of it.
But why do we do this?
Aggression.
Something like the Silent Treatment is a very effective way of attacking a partner without the appearance of violence. Whether your partner is just lashing out or purposefully trying to emotionally manipulate you, guilt can be terrifying when weaponised.
Toxic ideas of relationships.
Part of the fairy tale image of “A Relationship” is the idea of having a partner who knows you better than you know yourself. And if you let yourself believe this, you can convince yourself they need to realise something without being told. Because if they can’t, it means you can’t possibly be “Meant To Be”.
Mental Health
Sometimes, you simply can’t explain what’s going on inside your head. Maybe you need time to process your thoughts. Or maybe you know you need time to cool off before speaking. And if you haven’t agreed on a way to communicate this to your partner, it can seem like you’re shutting off from them.
Both toxic relationship ideals and how to use guilt as a weapon are things we are taught from a young age. How to handle our mental health isn’t.
And have I been guilty of all three of these?
Yes. And so have you.
No, you have. I’m willing to bet money on it. You might not be proud of it. You might not even want to admit it to yourself. But you have.
How do I know this?
Because, unfortunately, both toxic relationship ideals and how to use guilt as a weapon are things we are taught from a young age. How to handle our mental health isn’t.
But here is the hard truth.
Whatever the reason, removing communication never cuts one way. It harms everyone in the relationship.
But what did my partner and I come up with to combat this?
As I explained earlier, we have to do a lot of work on reconciling our communication styles. And, in doing so, we came up with an agreement that served us well our entire relationship.
Whatever one of us said, the other would always take it for the truth.
So how did this work?
First off, it de-weaponises communication.
Say I could tell my partner was upset, and so asked her if she was okay. If she told me “Fine”, I would take that as the truth. Even if the tone made it clear she wasn’t fine, I would take it at face value. If I had upset her, or she needed me, it was up to her to communicate this to me.
Or say my partner had forgotten something, and this upset me. If I said nothing, leaving her to work it out for herself, then I had no one to blame but myself for not communicating this to her.
Neither of us could complain that, yes, we might have said one thing, but it clearly meant something else.
Neither of us could complain that the other hadn’t remedied a problem that they “should have known” existed without being told.
This allowed us to create a space where communication did not come from a place of aggression. But what about poor mental health?
Let’s go back to my first example. Say my partner was clearly upset but told me she was “Fine”. Knowing her as well as I did, I could tell they were lying. But, instead of putting pressure on them to open up before they were ready, I took their words at face value again. However, in this situation, I knew she would come to me with the truth when she was ready.
Why do these problems exist in the first place? What’s the root cause of it all?
Well, I’m afraid we’ve been conditioned to believe that communication is a sign of weakness.
Just look at representations in the media. Couples who openly communicate are seen as “touchy-feely” and usually played off as a joke. Misunderstandings and arguments are shown as a standard part of everyday life. A recent survey indicated at least 47% of Americans see couples therapy as a sign of weakness, only necessarily for a failing relationship.
But because we came from different cultures, we were forced to directly address our communication style in a way we perhaps wouldn’t have otherwise.
Communication can be challenging. When we’re used to passive communication, active communication can feel unnatural. It can feel like this is something we should have to think about. That it should just come naturally.
But believe me, once you embrace open and honest communication in your relationship, you’ll be amazed at how free you feel.
Because communication is a tool. And when you practice how to use it safely, it can never be a weapon again.
